Something Different

Something Different

I’m sick and tired of hearing the phrase “too different“. Yes, the things we aren’t used to can be somewhat intimidating. Yes, the things that we aren’t as exposed to can be very mysterious. Yes, the things we’ve never seen or dealt with may come with some trials of test and errors. But, so what?

The things you aren’t used to can teach you so much. The things you aren’t regularly exposed to can show you a whole new way to see the world in which you are living. The things you have to experiment with may just be your answer to several questions you have had steaming in the back of your mind.

I get it. There’s the “too different” that make your world clash with theirs and nothing but chaos seems to come of it, despite the lesson there is to learn in all of it. But there is also the “too different” that you feel a calling to, that beckons you to get to know it better, to explore your options and to test your limits.

Haven’t you ever been told “there’s nothing wrong with being different”? I see the world differently; you see the world differently. You examine the situation one way while I examine it with a whole different perspective. We can be sitting side by side on the spectrum, but still see things at different eye levels. We can also be trying to scream at each other from opposite sides of the spectrum but, still, either way, something comes of it.

Your world might have always been filled with security while my world might have been dusted with doubt. Your eyes might see the colors of the rainbow while my eyes see only black, grey, and white. It doesn’t matter how “different” we are. But when it comes to denying each other the potential to venture into our “different” worlds, then it matters.

Am I “too different” to try and understand what kind of life you’ve lived? Am I “too different” to become a friend who you can count on? Am I “too different” that you cannot learn anything from me, or vice versa? No.

So enough bullshit about how I will never understand how you see things, enough excuses about why you shouldn’t bother to try and explain your life to me. Enough is enough. There’s no such thing as “too different“, there’s just “different“.

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Today, I’m going to promise myself that I’m not going to over-invest myself when I clearly don’t know where I stand. And, even though that is the one thing I despise the most in this world, I will do my best to let it go because if I mattered enough to you then I wouldn’t be questioning who I am to you.

I love you and I want to share my universe with you and have you share your universe with me. I want to be there through the ups and the downs. I want to help you fight your battles and sail through the storms. I want to make memories we’ll tell our kids of one day. But, at some point, I have to let it go.

If you thought I was worth fighting for, you would’ve fought. If you thought I was worth sticking by, you would’ve stayed around. If I’m still in your heart, I’d be on your mind.

Scream

Scream

i want to scream. i want to scream my head off.

i want to be heard. i want to yell.

i want to be held and told everything will be just fine. i want to be okay again.

i want to disappear into the night. i want to never have to face that kind of fight…again.

i want to run away until i’m miles from here. i want to vanish like clouds on a bright sunny day.

i want to get all this pain out of my head. i want to get out of living hell.

i want to scream. i want to scream my head off.

Trill

Yin/Yang – Logic/Emotion

Yin/Yang – Logic/Emotion

When I first started hearing about my friend’s brother, it was intimidating. He was portrayed in such a way that it sounded like he was above us all. It amazed me how smart this stranger was. It fascinated me how capable this stranger was.

I would hear stories of him helping his sister (my friend) on the homework neither of us understood. I would listen to her talking about how advanced he was in university. I would put him on this pedestal, thinking he had something more than us normal people didn’t.

Then I met him.

Awkward. Reserved. Intelligent. Confident. Cute.

He had some kind of charm to him. His intelligence was attractive. The way he held himself was intriguing.

We started talking. We started hanging out and learning about the different things in each other’s life. We asked each other about the music we listened to, and discovered that neither of us had heard of the artists the other listened to. We laughed a lot. We joked around and make sassy comments. We had fun.

Today, my friend’s brother is my boyfriend.

Reserved. Intelligent. Logical. Cocky. Stubborn. Cute. Dork.

I know he has his flaws. I know, now, that he doesn’t belong on any kind of pedestal because he is just another person like you and me. I know about what pisses him off and how he has his tantrums of irritation. I know that he loves In-n-Out. I know that he is picky with his food. I know that he loves soft blankets. I know that he would rather speak about something than sweep things under the rug.

I love hearing about how he views life around us. I love debating our different viewpoints; he is driven by logic more and I am drive by emotions more. I love seeing how we balance each other out, the concept of yin and yang coming back into my life once again. I love experiencing the world with him. I love talking to him just about everyday things. I love having him in my life.

I realize, now, that clashing with someone doesn’t automatically mean failure in any way. We learn from each other. We learn with each other.

It’s great.

You ask me why I turn off my emotions so often. You ask me if I don’t have the guts to face what I feel. You ask me what being a robot is like.

Growing up, any emotion other than happiness was weak (basically).
I turned my emotions off because I never had people to help me deal with them.
Then it became my life, who I am, and everything I’ve become used to all this time.

I turn them off because I don’t want them to rule my world, but they do.
I turn them off because I don’t want them to get the best of me, but they do.

Maybe I don’t have the guts to face what I feel, but I’m learning.
Maybe I don’t know what it is to be a robot, but I didn’t want to know anyway.

I look at you and my answer is, because this is me.

Sometimes I know my worth.

Sometimes I have the guts to get up and say “I deserve better”. Sometimes I have the courage to simply walk away from something that is hurting me. Sometimes I have it in me to believe in myself and everything that I am.

After all, I’ve learned from the mistakes I’ve made. I’ve taken a lesson of some kind from the problems I’ve caused in the past. I also am a changed person. I’m not who I used to be. There are still things that haunt me, that I look back to, or that I let bother me even today. There are things I haven’t fully dealt with, and things I need to face. But…in the end, what other people think of me shouldn’t change how I see myself, my past doesn’t write my future, and I have the choice to write my present and my future in anyway that I wish.

But sometimes I don’t know…

Sometimes I let the negative memories cloud my mind. Sometimes I let myself isolate from the world and trap myself in a dark and cold place of mind. Sometimes I get hopeless and feel lost, as if I don’t know who I am.

I start to hear the voices come back and I remember all the things that have been said to and about me. I start to remember all the stupid decisions I made when I was younger and start to regret everything that I’ve ever done. I start to slip and feel as if I’m a waste of space.

When I know my worth, not much can break me. I can get overwhelmed. I can get stressed. I can deal with something where I’m in over my head. I can be so, so strong and confident. But when I don’t know, everything breaks me. My brain suddenly connects everything back to a horrible memory or a scarring feeling from the past. Suddenly, everything seems to be working against me even when I’m actually getting a lot of work done. Suddenly, I feel alone and unwanted and I get trapped there.

I could vaguely remember how it felt to be confident and strong, but I wouldn’t be able to remember how to get myself back there.

If I were honest….

If I were honest….

If I were honest with myself, I’d know that I crave human interaction.

Not in the way where I want to go to the loudest parties and dance until I can’t feel my feet with a hundred strangers. Not in the way where I am looking for the next bar to visit. Not even in the way where I am texting all my friends up each weekend to go shopping. Not even in the way where I am calling up old friends to get lunch and catch up over some weird new trend that’s catching fire on Instagram.

But I crave interaction…or, maybe I should say, I crave meaningful interactions.

Where a simple “How is your day going?” text will brighten up my day when it’s sent by the right person, because I know that despite their busy schedule they still care enough to check up on me. Where a quiet study room with a couple busy friends who will motivate me to bust my ass to grasp every single concept I need to master. Where a simple walk in the park after a long week would feel like all the weight on my chest had vanished after the first time I laughed.

I don’t care if the conversation is as simple as “how are you”, “been busy and stressed”, “is there anything I could help with?”, “no but thank you for asking”. I don’t care if the conversation seems bland, as long as it’s meaningful and it’s coming from the heart. I don’t care if it’s ‘short and sweet’ or ‘long and heavy’. I don’t care if it’s in the middle of the little gaps in our schedules or if it’s spaced out between two days. I don’t care.

If I were honest with myself, I’d know that it’s not only the interaction that I crave…but it’s the connection that I miss.

The feeling as if someone finally hears me after months and months of screaming my head off, crying for something…something a little more. The feeling as if someone cares enough to fight for me and fight to be beside me, despite what the rest of the world thinks or says. The feeling as if I am worth everything that I believed would come true back when I was still dancing along with the fairytale theme songs.

If I were honest with myself, I’d know that I am always chasing after something or someone that I think is worth it.

I’m always hoping that a person who made the mistake of doubting me would wake up and realize what they’ve been taking for granted. I’m always dreaming of those fairytale endings where people realize where things went wrong and do everything they can to make things right again. I’m always wishing for things to take another turn and show me that a person who truly cares to be with me would come on back.

But, if I were honest with myself, I’d know that that stuff doesn’t happen to me.