Wake up. Realize There’s More.

I’m sick and tired of being played. I’m sick and tired of being tortured, manipulated, used. I’m sick and tired of trying to make something meaningful, and getting bullshit in return.

To the young females and males out there, who know what it’s like and who are trying their uttermost best to change something about the worlds around them for the better:

I salute you. It doesn’t seem it matters how many times our hearts get torn out of our chests and beaten with wood. It doesn’t seem to make a difference how many strangers walk into our lives and turn it upside down. And it doesn’t matter how the world around us tells us to give up, because we all know, deep down in our hearts, that we will never stop fighting for good. Whether that battle be within ourselves, between our minds and hearts, or between those who we are supposed to be standing beside, we will not stop fighting.

But I’m getting tired. I have to admit, I’m getting sick and tired of all the hurt and the pain that comes from hoping for too much too soon and having too much faith in what’s not there.

When I see that there is potential somewhere, sometimes I jump at the opportunity to turn it into something meaningful right off the bat. When I see there is light in someone’s heart, that spark in someone’s eyes, I pray for them to be able to keep that for the rest of eternity. When I feel something, when there’s a moment in life where I wish I could replay it over and over again, I know there is still something surrounding all of us that is more than the everyday worries we all have running through our minds. There’s something more than what jobs we have, how successful we are money wise, or what kinds of opportunities for fame we missed; the friendships we have, the relationships we love, the human connections we live for…that is more than anything and everything that exists in both mind and body.

But…why do we, as a society, raise up the importance of “connections” in the business world and letter grades on courses about knowledge rather than human connections with one another as human beings and all those lovely moments we all wish to relive once again.

On the top of my head I can name a few:

  • The first time he called me ‘baby’ when I was riding in the front seat of his car.
  • The first time I won an art competition with a photograph that completely represented who I was.
  • The times he held my hand as we walked down the street talking and laughing about anything and everything that came to mind.
  • The times he said ‘forever and a day’ because it was a cute catch phrase he had way back when.
  • The times I’d find myself laughing so hard that my stomach hurt and all my friends were laughing just as loud around me.
  • The times my parents and siblings could finally cook a meal together without someone trying to eat another’s ear off.
  • The last time my mom told me she was proud of me, despite my having to ask her first.
  • The last time I simply sat with a friend and told them a bit of who I am and what I’m made of.
  • The last time I felt as if I was home when I was in someone else’s arms.
  • The last time I felt safe just with the presence of someone else I truly trusted.

Those are the moments, those are the things, those are the feelings we should be holding onto…not the trophies we won, not the certificates that just became pieces of paper, not that million dollar toilet painted yellow, not the labels we, as a society, give each other as ‘titles’ of our accomplishments as if the title means more than the knowledge itself.

I’m sick and tired of people laughing at, or joking around about, or teasing someone over how ‘sensitive’ they are to their relationships with those around them. I’m sick and tired of people making relationships sound like “decorations for Christmas” or “a center piece for the table”. It’s not the accessories that we don’t always need…it’s the structure of everything that is our lives and everything that should really mean a damn to you.

Advertisements
Posted in 365 Days of Writing Prompts, About Me, Personal Favorites, Stream Consciousness | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Play Me. Play You.

We’ve all played that game.

It’s where you pretend to not be attracted to a person, who is doing the same exact thing to you. It’s where you laugh casually but wish for them to notice how beautiful your smile is or how your eyes shine when you’re happy. It’s where you do the little things to get their attention and then brush it off as if you don’t really care. It’s where the nonchalant gestures are suddenly more forced and more characterized as acting.

It’s where you continue on with the flirting until one of you finally gets the courage to kiss the other, and you feel the sparks fly. It’s where you finally feel safer being yourself in their arms because there is no other place you would rather be. It’s when everyone knows you are in mutual ‘like’ because you stare at each other with googly eyes. It’s when you can’t get enough of their time, their smile, their laugh, their voice. It’s when life feels like a fairytale and the butterflies constantly flutter in your heart.

It’s when you listen to those love songs and believe every single one of them perfectly pictures your movie life with them. It’s when you open yours eyes each morning with a smile on your face because of a ‘good morning’ text you saw that day. It’s when you can’t even go to sleep knowing you get to spend some more time with them the very next day. It’s when you laugh to yourself when you replay your fairytale-like memories in your head as you walk to your car at night. It’s when you can’t help but turn up the radio and scream the lyrics to that cheesy love song you used to hate.

Please, you can’t deny that we’ve all played that game.

Posted in Friendships, Personal Favorites, Stream Consciousness | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Permanent.

It’s been over a year since I first felt a knife plunge into my chest that first night, or that’s how it felt anyway. I remember jumping onto my bed late at night after a wonderful. I laid on my back and smiled goofily at the ceiling about something. When I turned to grab my phone to reply to a friend, the pain I felt sent me gasping for air. I immediately curled into a ball and clutched at my side, the world around me becoming nothing but darkness and pain. I’ve been through open heart surgery, and yet I have never experienced that much pain before. That night, that moment, is when everything started.

After such an overbearing amount of pain, I continued to experience stabs at my chest through my days. At first, it would happen every couple weeks but, after some time, the pain became a constant reminder that I will never be the same. After no longer than three months, it stopped feeling as if someone would randomly sneak up on me and stab my chest but it started feeling as if someone was standing in front of me holding the knife in my chest twisting it and turning it so the pain never ceased. It was torture.

It’s been over a year since the pain became a constant factor of my everyday life. It came to the point where the symptoms of such pain no longer surprises me. I could say I’m used to it by now, but I know better than to think it is right just because it’s “normal” to me. A kid who gets beaten by his dad every week could look you in the eye and say he’s used to it, but that doesn’t make the pain go away…and it definitely does not make it okay.

For a year my team of specialists worked at finding a source of all this pain I was feeling, still nothing. For a year they ran tests and authorizes x-rays and all types of scans, still nothing. For a year I drank a handful of different medications each day in hopes of making the pain go away, still nothing.

Two weeks ago, I had one of my specialists try a kind of injection that would help my pain. It helped. For once, something helps significantly after my pain had worsen to a degree I could not bare. There was finally a huge amount of hope that my team of specialists could make the pain go away. I finally could look my father in his eyes and tell him everything was going to be alright and mean it because my doctors were going to fix me, again.

Today, I go in to see one of my specialists to get an update and see what I could do next to make the percentage of relief significantly larger and permanent. But, today, I was told my pain is permanent. There’s no way to make it completely vanish; there’s no way to give me permanent relief; there’s no way to get me back to “normal”.

I felt my world blacken into nothing but emptiness and pain once more as I did that first night. I physically felt the hope I had slowly drain out of my system and get replaced with sorrow and despair. I couldn’t believe my ears. Right when there had been such a high chance of me getting a regular life back, it was ripped into shreds right before my eyes.

And, here, I ask this:

What would you do? If you knew the nausea that made you skip meals for two whole days at a time, the dizziness that sent you walking into walls and falling down stairs, the episodes of blacking out that caused you to hit your head and potentially send you into a fatal car accident, the handful of pills you had to take every morning and night, and the everlasting pain in your chest…was permanent.

Posted in About Me, Stream Consciousness | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

The Future is Unknown

I don’t know what you think when you see me walking by. I don’t know what runs through your mind when you hear my name. I don’t know how correct your first impression of me was compared to what you know now.

I don’t know. In fact, I don’t know you…but you don’t know me either.

A lot of the people in my life right now are people who had just walked into my life. Meaning a lot of the people in my life right now weren’t here just a couple months ago. These are the people I do not know; these are those who do not know me.

As much as I want to believe these people will stick around, I know better than to have that kind of hope right now. As much as I want to trust that these people have pure and good intentions, I know better than to make the assumption that everyone I meet has my heart. As much as I want to think nothing is going to go wrong, I know better than to give myself false expectations.

Though…I believe everything happens for a reason. So I will go along with where the wind blows; I will ride the waves to see where they lead; I will play it by ear so I do not miss the game that is supposed to play out. I will give everyone around me a chance, as long as they give me the same chance.

So, that’s what I ask for:

I don’t know what you think of me. I don’t know what you think of when you hear my name. I don’t know what you want from me.

But, if you expect me to give you a fair chance, I will need you to give me one as well.

That’s what I ask for: A fair chance.

Posted in Strangers. Acquaintances. Friends. What....?, Stream Consciousness | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Ask. I Dare You.

Ask me anything.

Curious about one of my blog posts? Ask me. Start a conversation.

Curious about my thoughts regarding something? Ask.

Want some advice? I’ll do the best I can.

Want someone to listen? I’ll lend an ear.

Ask me anything.

Comment or email me, mysteriesoflifeyouandme@gmail.com

Always here (:

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Do Not…Even Try…

Don’t tell me I worry too much about others. I remember what it feels like to think no one cares, and I know no one should have to feel that way.

Don’t tell me I spread myself too thin. I don’t know how many times someone older had told me they regret not doing enough when they were younger.

Don’t tell me I can’t help someone. I don’t know that I can’t until I try every thing that I know how to do, and maybe I’ll learn something new along the way too.

Don’t tell me I daydream too often. The greatest thing about life is the fact that you get to write your future the way you want to, and ANYTHING can happen between “now” and “then”.

Don’t tell me I’m a disgrace to my family. I might not make them proud; I might not be a world’s greatest female of anything, but I’m doing what I can and I’m doing my best.

Don’t tell me I cannot do something before I’ve even started. Everyone amazes, in the end, and everyone is more capable than anyone may think.

Don’t define me by what happened in the past. It might be a long time from then, and I know I’m not the same person I used to be.

Don’t define me by my parents’ wealth or good fortune. You can give or take what you will from a child, but it really only depends on how the child was raised.

Don’t define me by what you see on the outside. Everyone knows, a mask hides and a cover conceals. Things aren’t always as they seem, even without magic.

Don’t define me by your standards of what you believe I should be. I don’t live by your rules and I don’t live to impress you.

Don’t define me by a mistake or a fluke. You can’t expect to get an entirety of a story with only a chunk of a chapter. That’s merely an assumption and not the truth.

Don’t tell me I need to stop caring so much. If you don’t care about others, if you don’t have that human connection, then what is your heart worth?

Posted in 365 Days of Writing Prompts, About Me, Strangers. Acquaintances. Friends. What....?, Stream Consciousness | Leave a comment

Give You A Chance (with My Guard Up)

When I first saw you, I felt a pull towards you. There was something about you I had to get to know. There was something in you that beckoned for my presence in your life. There was a part of you that needed a part of me, or the other way around because you never know about these things. But there was definitely a part of you calling out to a part of me. And that is exactly what scared the life out of me.

I know you have only known of my name for a few days. I know we have only talked, small talk, a maximum of ten times. I know you are as clueless about me as I am about you. So let me explain myself:

The last person I felt a pull towards, a connection with, that spark towards, is someone who I cannot imagine anymore. He brought me to some sort of light that I’ve been needing in my life for several years. He brought me to a place within myself where I can heal. He adored me; he respected me; he supported me; he encouraged me; he believed in me; he rooted for me; he tried to understand me; he did his best to be there for me; he showered me with affection; and, most importantly, he loved me and he wanted me to be happy and accept myself.

Right from the start, we both knew we had something different. We had a friendship unlike any other either of us have experienced. We had a strong connection that seemed to know no bounds. We had something different that could only be felt by the two who were in the relationship. We lived what seemed to be a fairytale life, a “happy ever after” kind of story where the bride and broom fight by each other’s sides an unlimited amount of times.

But, and I’m sure you can guess where this is going, our world snapped in two and everything that seemed to be a fairytale shattered like an illusion or a spell that was only waiting to get broken.

That was the last time I let someone get that close. That was the last time I trusted anyone to let them see anywhere even remotely close to 80% of the true me. That was the last time I counted on someone to stick by me. That was the last time I was rooting for someone for the sake of keeping them in my life. That was the last time I can say I let myself called someone “mine”.

And what do you expect? A girl with a broken heart and a hectic life spins around to continue to keep pushing forward and keep fighting for something a little more.

So, when I saw you for the first time and felt that pull towards you, it scared the life out of me. My guard went up. My shields went on. But I couldn’t turn it off. When I turned around and you were there, there was no denying my curiosity.

I didn’t stop myself from trying to start small conversations, as coworkers should, during the times that you stood by my side. I didn’t stop myself from smiling and shaking my head when I felt comfortable being there with you. I didn’t stop myself from asking for your help when I needed help with the heavy weight. I didn’t stop myself from asking the question I knew sat on the tip of your tongue, “Did you want to hang out?” I didn’t stop myself from shrugging off the alarms that went off in my head when you tried getting closer. I didn’t stop myself from smiling in both amusement and sympathy when you tried to shower me with a form of affection you knew how to give. I didn’t stop myself…but, now, I wish I had.

Because the only things that run through my mind when I think about that time when I talked to you are the questions like: DO I act like a spoiled bitch? DO I act like I don’t have any clue how hard life might be for others? DO I act like there are people who “aren’t cool enough” or “aren’t good enough” to be my friend? DO I set myself apart from everyone so much that people see a boundary between my world and theirs? DO I not understand struggle because I did not struggle the way everyone else might’ve been dealing with?

I know I had an easier life than most. I know I don’t know what it is like to struggle the way others have. I know I have yet to take on the responsibilities that others my age might’ve started to deal with by age 15. I know I was protected like a princess trapped in her room that overlooks the city in some tower. I know my life must seem to be where everyone would want to be. I know people look in from the outside and believe I must have it so much better because I have the facade that tells them I’m better than they must be. I know…that much.

What I do not know is this: I don’t know how much about me you think you know. I don’t know how much about my life you think you can read off my clothes or the car I drive. I don’t know what you think about this seemingly rich girl working a part-time job where she gets paid minimum wage when she could be doing other things.

I don’t know what you’ve had to deal with and life with when you were growing up. I don’t know what you’re going through now on a day-to-day basis. I don’t know how confused you might be about the future. I don’t know what your checkered past might consist of. I don’t know what you think of the person you see each day in the mirror.

I also don’t know where I’m going to be in a year. I also don’t know why we have this seemingly unnatural pull towards one another. I also don’t know why a part of you is calling to a part of me. I also don’t know what we are supposed to be in each other’s lives. I also don’t know what we are supposed to do for one another.

I don’t know why we have been placed in the circumstance we see ourselves in. I don’t know why we seem to understand a little bit about each other that feels as if others don’t get. I don’t know…a lot of things, to be simple, maybe I should’ve just said that at the start. But what I do know is that maybe I am willing to give you a chance as long as you give me a chance too.

I don’t know what I can do for you. I don’t know what kinds of things I can show you or teach you. I don’t know what I can prove to you or lead you towards. I don’t know. I also don’t know what you can entertain me with. I don’t know what you can show me or prove to me. I don’t know what you can do for me.

But I might be willing to give this a shot, as long as you give it your all.

Just give me some time. Because, just as you had said you’re scared of getting hurt, I am terrified of letting my guard down and turn my shields off once more.

Posted in Strangers. Acquaintances. Friends. What....?, Stream Consciousness | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

You Got This

I don’t know what’s going to happen in life. That’s the thing about the future, you can’t predict it…you can only write it. You can guess all you want, and you can hope and wish for any future you desire but it doesn’t matter. Because unless you go out there and actively work for the future you want, you will not find yourself living the life you’ve always dreamt of.

No matter what happens, no matter how many times you fall down, no matter how many things you messed up with, you have to keep walking forward. No matter how many times your heart has been torn to pieces, no matter how many times you’ve told yourself you will never trust anyone else like that ever again, no matter how much you try to protect yourself, you have to keep that faith and that hope that pushes you onward. No matter what you think you’re worth, no matter how many regrets you have in your past, no matter how terrified you are to go all in once more, you have to keep fighting for yourself.

Because after every wrong turn, you will find yourself proudly walking down the streets again. After every mistake you thought you made, you will find yourself convinced that you wouldn’t be the person you are today without all those flaws in your past. After every terrifying and heart-aching event, you will find yourself being strong and braver than you ever thought you could be.

I don’t know what’s going to happen in my life…but, for the people who stand beside me, for the people who root for me, for the people who believe in me, for the people who know me,…for the people who have yet to meet me, for the people who are bystanders in my life, for the people who are waiting for me to fail, for the people who are looking to pick at my flaws,…for the memories I’ve yet to make, for the experiences I’ve yet to have, and – most importantly – for the woman I’ve yet to grow up and be…I won’t give up. And I hope you won’t either.

To the obnoxious young man who calmed me down, thank you.

Posted in About Me, In Front Of Me, Personal Favorites, Strangers. Acquaintances. Friends. What....?, Stream Consciousness | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

One Generation, Two Different Parts of Life

Whenever I talked to him, there was this coating of being carefree. Whenever I saw him, he greeted me with a smile as if I could make his day better despite what else was happening. Whenever I laughed with him, it felt as if nothing else mattered but being happy with where I am in life right that second. For the first moments in a what felt like years of endless worry and stress, I felt okay to live in the present without any worry about the rest of my life.

There’s always been something about him that stood out to me. He was driven, unlike many of our classmates, and determined to no certain extent. He was always smiling and conversations flowed as if we had memorized the lines ten thousand years ago. He had always been a little different from the rest of the crowd. I respected him.

Then, I find out he’s been in the military and I couldn’t help but smile. He had held such a position due to his character and his personality. I couldn’t imagine what kinds of stories he had to tell, but I knew each and every single one of them had molded him into the great soldier he is today. I was so proud of him.

Then, that night happened.

He asked to talk to me outside, after class, with a certain tone in his voice I had never heard before. I followed him outside, after lagging slightly, and found this seriousness in his expression I wanted to avoid for as long as I could. We started talking about how beautiful the campus was, lit by the countless number of white lights throughout the area. I couldn’t help myself when the nervous butterflies within made me nauseous with anxiety. I knew my mouth wanted to ramble but I did my best to remain silent.

But when he finally got to the topic he wanted to speak about, I immediately knew where the conversation would go. I heard the words come out of his mouth but didn’t really know how to react. I was facing the father of a little girl, and the husband of a wonderful young woman. I was talking to one of my classmates who had been making such an impact on my life as is. I didn’t want to lose what there was, but I knew there was no way I would take a part of his life.

I remember how he joked around as he asked if I’ll walk away from him because he turned down dinner. I remember how he laughed, a little nervously, as he made sure I was okay with us being friends. I remember the countless of times he asked if I was okay, in general, and made me smile. I remember talking about relationships and how I’ll find someone someday. I remember the hug that left me wanting to still be in his arms because I knew he cared about me. I remember having to brush off how nauseous I was. I remember wanting to stay there the entire night because you could never get sick of how beautiful the campus was. I remember…so much about that night.

The countless times he made me laugh that night, the countless times I saw the smile on his face brighten with the spark of light in his eyes, the countless times I wanted to just hug him and tell him how proud I was of him…

He had taken his life in his own hands. He defied any statistic that said marriage straight out of high school didn’t usually last. He proved to everyone around him that you didn’t need to wait for your thirties to find your “happy ever after”. He showed everyone how perfectly wonderful a world can be if given the right amount of determination and faith, and patience.

I am so, so happy for him.

I see him walk in and out of class. I watch him work hard to understand the materials. I notice how tired he may be but never hear him complain much. I know that the rest of our classmates see him too, but maybe they simply see the part of him that is a student and a peer. I know that he’s not only a wonderful friend, but he’s a great father and husband. I know that he is in that portion of life that the rest of us have always wanted to be. He found love. He made his family. He got there. He made it. They made it. And I can’t be more happy for them.

Posted in Friendships, Short Stories, Strangers. Acquaintances. Friends. What....? | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

I try to ignore their words. I try to find something a little more soothing than the hatred heart. I try to turn my back on the shadow I always find chasing me. I try to be…better, in the end.

Better in the way that I am working hard towards a future no one can predict. Better in the way that I am trying to stay focused on the bigger picture. Better in the way that I am doing my best to believe there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I try to remind myself that the past is what’s gone and the present is what I need to focus on, but there comes a time where years and years of bottled up emotions need to erupt and I just need to cry. I try to keep telling myself that I can get through any roadblock that stands in my way, but there are always those nights where my body wants to shut down and my limbs are anything but strong. I try to believe in the saying that goes, “as you sow, so shall you reap“, but there are moments in which I can’t help but look up to the sky and ask “Why me?”.

Today, is one of those days.

Posted in In Front Of Me, Stream Consciousness | Tagged | Leave a comment