Safe

Safe

I sit and stare. At my desktop picture, with nothing else on the screen. At the ceiling above my bed, in the darkness I wish to disappear into. At the white wall by my desk, with enough fury to punch a hole but no energy to move.

My body silently screaming. My mind struggling to deal with the tornado, the tsunami, and the earthquake that is my thoughts tearing up my insides.

But they don’t see the destruction within me. They don’t hear me beating myself up. They don’t see the visions that keep replaying in my mind. They don’t understand everything, anything, that goes on inside me. They don’t understand how much I want to be safe once again…

Safe. I want to feel safe again. I try my best to rewind the good memories from the past couple days. I remember how it felt as my friend held me as I sobbed. I remember his soothing voice telling me it was not my fault. I remember him telling me to get up and found myself in his arms. I remember his voice telling me, again and again, that I was safe now. I remember…feeling safe.

How much I want to feel safe again…

Inscrutable

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Silent Screams

Silent Screams

You know what sucks? Wanting to sleep so you don’t feel the pain anymore but finding yourself living more horrors through nightmares you can’t wake up from. I couldn’t wake up.

A close friend hopes that I stop beating myself up over what happened. I had begun to tell him what happened, hoping for someone to tell me it was going to be okay. I’m grateful for him; I will never be able to thank him enough. He told me, over and over, trying to get it through my mind, that it doesn’t matter what people say or how much I beat myself up because it wasn’t my fault. He held me as I sobbed. My entire body was probably shaking. For once, I felt strong to be crying. I needed it so badly that I wasn’t scared to cry. I wasn’t scared that time because I believed he’d hold me together and give me time. When I calmed, he got me on my feet and pulled me into his arms. The warmth soothed my heart. He reassured me again and again that I was safe now. And, in his arms, I believed him.

But when I went to sleep in attempt to run away from my thoughts, somehow they still played in my sleep, in the back of my mind. I couldn’t wake to stop them. I couldn’t shake them out of my mind.

He wanted to fight off the demons in my mind with love. He wanted to shield me from the pain. But I don’t think he ever thought I’d wake up in the mornings with a scream in my throat but no voice to be found.

You Can’t See Me

You Can’t See Me

When you see someone in pain, it’s like looking at a silhouette of them. You see the outline; you see a brief summary of them. You see the outside; you don’t recognize the inside…you can’t.

Sometimes the silhouette still presents the subject’s facial features. Sometimes it still shows everything that is to be seen on the inside. Sometimes the silhouette is black though. Sometimes it is not even a correct representation of everything that’s truly there – the pain, the heartache.

You can’t possibly know what’s going through their mind. You can’t possible understand what they’re going through.

All you see, if even, is the cover that masks the pain and their screams.

All you see when you look at me, if you see anything honest at all, is the exhaustion from the pain. All you see, if you’re looking at all, is a girl who wishes she could disappear.

Silhouette

Scream

Scream

i want to scream. i want to scream my head off.

i want to be heard. i want to yell.

i want to be held and told everything will be just fine. i want to be okay again.

i want to disappear into the night. i want to never have to face that kind of fight…again.

i want to run away until i’m miles from here. i want to vanish like clouds on a bright sunny day.

i want to get all this pain out of my head. i want to get out of living hell.

i want to scream. i want to scream my head off.

Trill

The Honest Story

The Honest Story

His hands went to my face and quickly brought my attention to him as he pulled me in for a kiss. My mind went into a blur as I panicked and shoved him away. My heart racing. My feet glued to the ground. I could barely breathe.

He apologized. My head felt like a jug of water someone kept shaking. I told him to stop. I told him to not do that, trying to keep my voice strong. He knew I had a boyfriend. He knew I was with someone. He knew I wasn’t interested. He apologized again. I could barely hear him over the loud sound of my heart beating in my ears. He asked if I wanted to leave. I said no. How could I even move when I couldn’t see straight.

My body was panicking too much. As if it knew for a fact it was in danger. He could easily lift my weight. He could easily overpower me if he lost control. He kept staring at me. It made me sick. I wanted to run but my head still spun.

We walked across the street, him complimenting my dress. I couldn’t listen to him. I wanted to drown out his voice. I wanted to scream. I wanted to slap him, but I didn’t want to put myself in more danger if I pissed him off.

Then I felt his hand on my ass. My entire body tensed even more. I didn’t know it could even do that with how tense I already was. I walked faster, telling/mumbling him to stop.

I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. The entire world spun around me. It was a blur. But I finally got to my car. A part of me felt a little relief that I was minutes from being safe behind the locked doors of my own car.

He apologized again. He said something else but I couldn’t hear over the bees buzzing in my ears. He took a step closer towards me, his arms up for a hug. I stepped back but eventually ended up in his arms. I held my breath. I hugged him back wanting this to just end.

I missed my boyfriend. I wanted so much to be in his arms. I wanted to feel safe again. I wanted all of this to end.

His hand went to my ass again. I pushed him away but he held me still. I couldn’t move for a few seconds that felt like entirety. Then he let me go.

My feet were glued to the ground as he slowly walked away. I begged in my mind for him to walk away. I got into my car and I locked the doors. I couldn’t comprehend what had just happened. My body was in shock. My mind was a puddle, or like a pool.

I stared at my navigation system. I stared at my wheel. Where was I going? What was I doing? Why couldn’t I think straight?

I went to work. My mind rewinding the scenes in my head. I hated myself for playing dead. I wanted to slap him that smug look off his face, but my arm wouldn’t raise. I wanted to scream, but my voice had ran away.

I looked back at all the things I did wrong. I shouldn’t have offered him a ride despite him saying it took him 2 hours to get to school. I shouldn’t have went for a walk with him. I should’ve ran away when his hand was on me. I should’ve yelled at him with all my might. I should’ve pushed harder when he held me against his body. I should’ve done something more to fight.

A part of me wanted to scream. A part of me wanted to disappear. A part of me…just wanted to breathe.

Candid

Stifle

One Day…

One Day…

When I have a daughter, I am going to talk to her about healthy relationships. When she gets to the age of liking boys, I am going to talk to her about stable relationships. When she starts dating, I am going to talk to her about safe sex.

Throughout her life, I am going to be there for her.

I am going to try my best to let her know what self-respect is. I am going to talk to her about her emotions. I am going to show her and introduce different methods to express herself. I am going to watch her grow and discover life.

I am going to try to have mutual respect in my relationship with her. I am going to try my best to hear her out and listen to her stories. I am going to stand by her side and let her know she can always lean on me.

I am going to let her have her own life. I am going to let her discover things on her own. I am going to let her have her privacy. I am going to let her be herself.

I am going to nudge her to be her best. I am going to push her to try her hardest. I am going to try to pave a path in whichever direction she wishes to venture to. I am going to be there through it all.

One day, I will be the best mother I can be.

Phone… Laptop… What About You?

Phone… Laptop… What About You?

I wake up in the morning and reach for my phone. I don’t have a visible clock when it’s dark in my room. Sometimes I scroll past the notifications – messages, emails, reminders, etc. – and sometimes I simply groan at how early it is and lie on my back until I fall asleep again.

When I’m getting ready in the morning, my phone is often playing music that keeps me up and going. I easily fall asleep if I stay in bed. I push past the urge to stay in bed and go to wash my face. Face wash. Acne medication. Brush my teeth. Brush my hair (sometimes). Go get changed and get out of the door.

My phone follows me downstairs, to the car, to school, to work, back home, and goes to sleep by my head on my bed each and every night. It’s the one friend that always sticks by me. I reach for it when I’m walking to and from classes. I check instagram as if it’s a newspaper that gets updated every other minute. I check my messages as if I really get any. I check my email and scroll past the spam. I check the time and the reminders that yell at me to get a real meal.

My phone gives me everything I need. I put everything on my calendar. I put all my reminders into that app. I have connections to my family and friends. I have my emails. I have my instagram. What else do I need?

Well…I went to lunch with my boyfriend and his sister (also a close friend of mine) yesterday. I went on and on in the car. I complained about how loud the music was. I stared out the window, amazed at the sunlight growing through the trees that we pasted by.

I set up a instagram for the new member of their family, Rylee the cockcpoo – @rylee_discoveringlife

We started posting pictures. We went in to get seated. And then shortly after I found all three of us on our phones once more. I silently wished for us to put our phones away and actually be present with each other in the short time that we actually get to spend with one another.

Every time I see my boyfriend, I can never get tired of being in his arms. I latch onto him the second we get some time alone, wanting to be closer to him. I always miss him when we can’t see each other. And when we do, I love the conversations. I love the face-to-face time we actually get. I loved walking up behind him as he washed his hands and hugged him from behind. I loved sitting in the car with him, holding his hand, and just enjoying the music and the sunny sky. I loved being present.

And that’s exactly what I’m missing when I rely on my phone too much. I love being able to put it away but I know I always need to stay updated with my sister and my parents, at least. I love being able to just enjoy the moment and not worry about anything else.

My “New Year’s Resolution”:
1. Spend at least 3 days worth of time (72 hours) a week without my phone. I can listen to music but I have to be disconnected.
2. Spend at least 2 days worth of time (48 hours) a week without my laptop. I can listen to music but I have to be disconnected.
3. Practice my cursive – aim to get better at calligraphy (1 hour a week)
4. Draw a piece of work twice a month
5. Take 20 good photos a month

Let’s see if I can keep this going for the rest of the year!