Confused and Exhausted. Physically and Mentally.

Having to remember you truly do not know the person you are falling for is definitely difficult when he is constantly the person you want to share your life with. When I get to a point where I want the entire world to disappear around me in order for my mind to rest, I would rather be in his arms and in his bed than my own house and my own room. When I get excited, it’s most likely because I am going to see him later that day. When I feel emotions other than exhaustion and overwhelmed, he seems to be related somehow.

Sometimes it feels as if I trusted him way too fast and gave him parts of me I would have never given someone else. Sometimes it feels as if I invested more than I ever meant to at this point in our relationship. Because when I look at him, I see the adoration and I see the desire, but I am not sure if I am the girl he wants to devote his life to being with.

Whenever he reminds me how many days it has been since we first talked, it feels like a slap in the face. In the moment, we are sharing a part of our lives with the other and I feel like I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. But when he says that, and when he says he doesn’t know what he wants, it scares me. I know what heartbreak feels like; I know how he must’ve felt when he got betrayed in his last relationship; I know what pain feels like; I know what it is to be scared to trust someone with your heart again. But his actions say he’s in this, with his whole heart, but when it comes down to is and he says the words that cut deep…I don’t know what to say or feel anymore.

I don’t want to pull away from him because he does not deserve that. I want to be there for him and continue to show him love is not always painful and full of betrayal or drama. I want to show him that someone can love with unconditionally. I want to show him that he deserves the love like in the fairytale books. I want to show him that love can be ‘forever and always’.

But I don’t know if he’s ready.
I have a lot on my plate and he’s been insanely understanding and thoughtful. But at the same time, I feel as if I don’t have time for him at the moment. He’s still trying to learn of the person I am. I am still trying to learn everything about who he is. But when that is intertwined with events in which I need someone who absolutely knows me, it’s exhausting. I don’t know what to do because we both feel as if we’ve known each other for months, or even years, yet it’s only been 20 days? I’m putting too much on his shoulders but I don’t want to walk away and look elsewhere, possibly making him feel as if he did something wrong or as if he is not wanted anymore.

-goes back to sleep-

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Sorry Not Sorry

I am sorry I care about what other people think. I am sorry I grew up in an environment in which all that mattered was what other people thought. I am sorry that is how I was raised. I am sorry that is how I have become. I am sorry you have to deal with me.

I get worked up. I get emotional. I get bothered by people’s reactions. I get nervous to see what people think. Doesn’t everyone? Apparently not you.

I am sorry I got so worried when you sister fractured and broke her wrist that I felt nauseous enough to vomit. I am sorry I got worked up and annoyed when my sister gave me a weird look that told me she didn’t want me to go to the ER with you and your sister. I am sorry I got annoyed when you kept laughing off her injury as if it were a joke. I am sorry I yelled at you when my emotions built up. I am sorry I got sensitive. I am sorry I got hurt. I am sorry I was 100% myself.

I am sorry I am pleased to hear my sister likes you and is happy that I am happy. I am sorry that it bugs me when you cursed ten times more when you were around her students…her co-workers….her boyfriend….her! I am sorry that I talked to you about the cursing afterwards. I am sorry that I want my friends and family to like you.

I am sorry that it bugs me when I think you’re being rude to your mom. I am sorry that it sometimes feels as if you just want my body. I am sorry I got upset when you called me as if I were a dog. I am sorry I can’t simply laugh everything off. I am sorry I got ticked off when you didn’t let me study when I specifically told you I had a lot to do.

I am so sorry if all of this bothers you.

Oh, wait, I shouldn’t be apologizing…but, I still do.

Dubious

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Will It Fix Me?

I’ve gone through two open heart surgeries. I’ve gone through two surgeries to repair my chest wall – pectus excavatum repair. I’ve gone through a cardiac catheterization. I’ve done all the labs for my surgeries. I’ve gone through countless x-rays, CT scans, MRIs, echos, stress-tests, etc. I’ve done it all.

I’ve ran until I was blacking out, almost fainting. I remember the stress tests I had to do when I was younger. I remember vividly how nauseous I would be the day before. I remember dreading the sight of that treadmill. I remember running until I couldn’t breathe. I remember barely being able to walk to the chair a few steps away. I remember blacking in and out.

I’ve worn a cardiac monitor multiple times for various periods of time. I’ve had some bad cases of nausea, dizziness, lightheadedness, and migraines. I’ve had trouble breathing. I’ve taken handfuls of medication.

I’ve woken up scared to move because my chest hurt so much. I’ve fallen down unable to get up because it hurt so bad. I’ve done pain blocking injections. I’ve been to physical therapy. I’ve had multiple pain management specialists. I’ve dealt with the side effects of multiple medications, testing out to see which one actually helped. I’ve discovered that it may be impossible to make the pain go away. I’ve learned that I have nerve damage…and it can’t be fixed.

Why am I so terrified when it comes to this new procedure I need to go do? Worst case scenario, I stay in the hospital for a few days and go back to school in a wheelchair a week or two after.

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Make It Go Away

She walks through her life with long strides, a little more confident than in her mind. She takes deep breathes and goes after what she wants, ignoring the pain or the fear she feels inside. She doesn’t know where her decisions will take her but she realizes she does not have the choice to hesitate to make up her mind. She continues through her life and faces everything that comes into her path but fears she will never truly have the answers she is looking for.

Almost every breath is getting harder to breathe. She feels her heart struggle and race as she walks just a little faster paced. The pain in her chest remains everyday despite the amount of medication she consumes on a daily basis. The symptoms continue and cause her to struggle throughout her days. The dizziness, the nausea, the headaches, the difficult breathing, the lightheadedness and the seconds of blacking out all drain every ounce of energy she seems to have left.

She doesn’t know who to turn to. Her doctors have done countless tests, sent her to many other doctors, and have found nothing that could be a solution to her pain. One of her doctors even said one day, “It’s permanent…I can ease the pain when it gets really bad but I can’t make it go away.” And that was before, when it was just the nerve pain, and now it’s her heart…again. She doesn’t know what to do. She doesn’t know who to go to.

If the pain would one day go away, if the symptoms would just one day vanish, if she could wake up one day and feel one hundred percent better, she would be living the dream. But that day isn’t going to come until the doctors find something else to do.

Panacea

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Despite knowing my writing is an insight to the person I am, despite wanting you to have a deeper understanding of some things that still affect me today, despite wishing for an easier way to express my thoughts, I hesitate to give you the key to my mind. This is, after all, the place where I am the truest version of myself. To connect a simple ‘author’ title to my actual name and the person you can physically see every day, is to have the power over secrets I may still hold.

If you, the person reading this, know who I am beyond the complex screens we call computers, you mean something to me. And whether you still read my posts still to this day, may say something about where I stand with you…or maybe not.

-> To the obnoxious young man who wears a ring on his hand, I’m happy for you as I’ve always been since we had the talk that night. I know you are an amazing father just as you are an incredible husband to a very lucky young woman. I wish you the best wherever life may take you. I hope we stay in touch.

-> To the special young woman who can never bother remembering her classmates’ names, as she refers to each and every one as “that (other) guy”, I hope you never change. As our lives seem to overlap more and more, I look forward to becoming closer to your family. And, no matter what happens, know that I’ll always be here for you.

-> To the strong, independent young almost-graduate who had made the last two years of my high school career easier to live through, you know I would do anything to help you if I could. I wish you the best as you decide which paths you want to walk down as you exit high school. I wish you the best when you have to face telling your family of your decision. Do know I will always be here for you.

-> To the sassy young woman who had been there through my very painful last heartbreak, and who prays for me to be a little more selfish, I miss you. The busy schedules we both have clash way too much and we never get to see each other anymore. But, despite, like you said, we’ll never stop being there for the other. I wish you the best, and I hope we keep in touch even if I move.

-> To my last heartbreak, I hope you’re happy and you’re okay wherever you are in your life right now. You deserve a good Christian girl who shares your passion and can walk through life with you no matter where you go. I hope you started your path to teaching, like you’ve always wanted. I wish you the best as you continue down your journey. Never forget to stop and take a breath.

-> To the awkward young man who I can constantly call up to have some company while studying at school, I really hope you discover what it is that you want to do with your life. I know sometimes ignoring the elephant in the room can lead to a more pleasant lifestyle, but you will have to face the question you hesitate to answer. I wish I could help, but your life is in your hands. Good luck.

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This Is She

The girl running from the pains of her past suffocating on the blood her heart had poured when wounded and broken.

The young woman yearning for a chance at a better future while getting through the tough times of the present day’s society.

The fighter not willing to give up.

The survivor who is still surviving.

Identity

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Day In, Day Out

“You might need surgery again.” He said for the second time after taking maybe an hour listening to my history. This was the first time I met with my new cardiologist; he had no current tests; he hadn’t done any CT scans, MRIs, ultrasounds, etc. on me. Maybe that’s the part that scared me the most.

At thirteen-year-olds, I underwent my third surgery to help my breathing situation. At eighteen-years-old, I was greeted with the line, “Wow you have a large medical history for your age!” the first time seeing a new pain management specialist versus the normal “Hi, my name is…” Now, at nineteen-years-old, I had not thought the mention or surgery would phase me but it sure did.

I remember the last time I got the news that I needed to schedule my next surgery. I hadn’t understood why tears were forming in my eyes. I hadn’t understood why it felt as if my heart was breaking as I watched my mother melt into tears and breakdown. I remember only panicking because she was. In my mind, it wasn’t a huge deal that I was going through surgery for the third time. But, that day that I saw my cardiologist, it was the mirror opposite of years ago.

One night, I just broke into tears and cried until I fell asleep, exhausted from weeping. I had wanted someone close to me to just hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay. One evening, I was briefly mentioning the doctor appointment to a friend and couldn’t stop the tears from forming in my eyes. One night, I fought back the tears as much as I could as a close friend stood by my side but the second someone came and asked if I was ok, I broke.

Day after day, the daily tasks of life seem petty in comparison to the thoughts that continue to run through my mind. But, what did I expect, this has always been my life…

Expect

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My days have been hectic. My days have been busy. My days have been…some of the best ones I’ve lived.

You see me running to work early just so I can have fifteen minutes to just breath. You see me staying in the library or finding some abandoned study room for some quiet time to study. You see me fidgeting with my pens anxiously, running my hand through my hair in frustration, rustling through my papers panicking, and filling this body with more caffeine than it should take.

But, honest, when my friend told me he hasn’t been as happy as he is now when his life is consists of an insanely busy schedule probably built to exhaust a human being the second their eyes open, I didn’t believe him. I thought, how is that even possible?! I watched him come to class late almost every session. I watched him drink cups of coffee each and every time, eat his lunch or dinner during class, and then hurry off to wherever the hell he goes afterwards (no one ever knows because he is always too busy to answer his phone). I mean, honest, how can someone be so, so happy with a life like that?

Then, I saw him standing outside one of the school buildings briefly talking to a small group of friends before our class. He was early, for once. He was smiling and laughing, and I could just feel the happiness in his voice. I saw how his eyes lit up when he laughed, and I couldn’t be any more happy for him.

During that small encounter with him, I was the one rushing around. I was checking off one thing after another that I needed to get done before class started. I was running from one end of campus to the other and back. I was exhausted and I could feel my body yearning for some rest, but I was so happy.

I was being so productive. I was being in-control of my time. It was the best feeling. Usually, I’m not as busy as I was that month. Usually, I have time to watch a show or two during the weekend. But as I got busier and as I watched myself get so much done, despite how much my body screamed for me to stop working, I was proud of myself.

And, in all of that, I had set a side some time for my close friends. Every other day or so I respond to one of my friends and continue our email-like conversation through WhatsApp. Every once in a while, I write and look back at old photographs. Sure, I am not insanely busy as my friend has been for the past two years of his life but I’m managing to live a life that most people wouldn’t volunteer for. And that is great.

I am so proud of my friend, and I’m starting to become proud of myself.

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How do you get over getting told everything that ever meant anything to you during the past several years was a lie? a facade? fake?

Stupid.

Why did I believe them when they said they were my friends? Why did I trust them when they said they cared? Why did I pour my heart out to them when they hated me?

It doesn’t make sense.

Why stay around someone and pretend to be their friend? Why stick by someone’s side and convince them that you are there for them? Why pretend to be genuine and understanding when you complain about them behind their back?

Stupid.

Why did I believe I had a “family” in the friends? Why did I trust that they would forgive me and let me turn over a new leaf? Why did I expect them to see how much I’ve changed?

Stupid.

Why did I hope for our friendships to last? Why did I dream about future plans when they didn’t want anything to do with me? Why did I believe that we would be okay even though they were holding a dagger to my back?

Stupid.

I know I’ve made mistakes. I know it’s been some time.
I know I’ve angered some people. I know true friendship is hard to find.
I know I’ve ruined things. I know a broken plate can’t be mended with the words ‘I’m sorry’.

But…

I know time has passed. I know I’ve grown up a little more.
I know I’m trying my best to do what’s right. I know I’m doing the best I can.
I know I’ve changed from the past. I know I see in a different light.

I believe someone can change, especially when someone else is there to guide them.

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Walk Away???

I reunited with an old classmate I used to love seeing those mornings for class. Her unapologetically honest comments that were always coated with a hint of sugar, and spice, and everything nice, could always bring a little laughter into my heart that semester. I had come from a broken background and carried a shattered heart seeking to heal in peace, for once, away from everything that created drama and heartbreak. Being in that classroom was always a warm fireplace to sit by.

From that same class, I met a strong young man who seemed to know his way. He would always wake up my heart with his sassy and sarcastic attitude. We would bicker and tease each other, and that kind of friendship was exactly what I needed. I prayed to have him stay in my life, and stay he did. It wasn’t until this past month that he vanished from my weekly schedule. It’s a friendship I wish to rekindle and reconnect with but…

I am slowly getting closer to a friend in one of my current classes. He had a brief existence in my schedule during the last summer, and is in a couple of classes that I will be able to help with. I see a great friendship that has potential to burn brightly even despite our busy lives. There is something about him that makes me smile.

A coworker is in my favorite class, right now. Talking to him is priceless and I wouldn’t trade it for the world, right now. Our conversations can always make me laugh and remember what it is to simply live in the moment. He reminds me to have passion in what I do. He reminds me of my passion that has dimmed from my life during the past year, and reminds me that my fire for such a passion will still burn as brightly as I allow it. I love this friendship and pray for it to remain as strong as it was when it began.

A very old classmate from way back when introduced me to one of his close friends as the girl who “disappeared and no one ever heard from again”. That sure caught some eyes. Being around those two, watching as they goof around and spend their time just playing and having fun, reminded me of the part in life I never really got a grasp of; I could never hold onto this aspect of life for long. There was a phrase that they seemed to live by, and that is “for the hell of it”. As stressed as I have been, that is something I miss so, so much now. But is it worth anything?

A year from now, I’m planning to not be in town. A year from now, all these connections and all these friendships might just burn to the ground. A year from now, I have no clue where I am going to be. So, in the end, I don’t know whether sticking around these people and counting on them for anything in future will be wise for such a fragile heart like my own.

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