Sitting in the library during intersession is the most peaceful I’ve found this place. There are barely any students here; not a lot of students stay before/after classes – if they are taking classes in the first place. There is a comfort in the silence that makes it easier to hear my thoughts. There is something about the calmness that soothes my heart.

Chris came earlier today and listened to my ramble on about random things (if you are reading this, I want to say thank you). He came to help me to study but I couldn’t keep my mouth shut and focus on the triple integrals and Stokes’ theorem problems in front of me. My mind was running faster than ever, the panic and nervousness for my calc 3 final fueling my anxiety. I am glad he was able to make me laugh and smile instead of getting engulfed into my own insecurities.

Times like this remind me to be grateful for the meaningful relationships I have with those around me. Not just the people I see on a day-to-day basis but the ones that actually go out of their way to keep a friendship. It’s the ones who will stay up with you until 1am to help you study; it’s the ones who will drive for half an hour to you because you need a ride home; it’s the ones who spend hours trying to do something that will make you smile; it’s the ones who truly are your best friends.

I look around in my life and I recognize these relationships in my life, and just smile. The small texts between us when we are trying to check in after a few weeks of silence. The video calls that always have me smiling and laughing. The phone calls, whether long or short, that make us feel closer and more connected even after times apart. The little things you do for each other in attempt to make their day just a little better. The amazing friendships that don’t need constant connection to stay alive.

I went to grab coffee with an old friend, who I have a complicated history with. We hadn’t talked for months, and during that time it was more small talk than anything. Despite that, we hadn’t talked for almost a year. But when he came and agreed to meet up, we spoke as if the time hadn’t passed in silence. It was like when people say true friendships are the friendships in which you can act like you had spoken the day before even though it’s been years. It was natural. It was fun. It was satisfying. It was normal. It was friendship.

Even though I am not usually surrounded by people – I am usually alone – and I am comfortable in this silence and isolation, I still feel a connection to the people who truly matter. I look around and, even though I may be by myself, but I am never alone. It’s the friendships that reminds me of this that are worth the world.

Lost and UnFound

Lost and UnFound

I remember that night like it was yesterday.
It’s been years yet I still can’t shake the feelings that come with the memory.

One more night of her being vacant for the day, and then for the night. One more day of a wine glass sitting at the tensely silent dinner table. One more day I was prepared for yelling and screaming matches. But, that day didn’t turn out as anyone would’ve thought.

Drunk. He didn’t recognize me.
In pain. His cries echoed through the night.
Crying. He mumbled phrases as the EMTs arrived.
Panicking. I ran, getting yelled at, to gather his things.
Crying. I thought I would lose him that night.
Delusional, right?

After what felt like days, he finally went to bed probably still mumbling curse words in pain. I couldn’t bring myself to get up from the corner I had been hiding in, sobbing with pain. I picked up my phone and called my best friend at the time. I called him, again, and again, and again. After the tenth time, my phone fell out of my hand as I curled up in a ball and shook with fear.

Why didn’t he answer? He knows how much I need him.
Where was he? I needed him to be there for me, especially now.
Why does it hurt so much? …the hundreds needles of pain each time I breathed.
Where was everyone? I sweared to myself that I was not alone, but I was.
Broken. into the millions of pieces of myself I was still trying to save.

After getting to my bed, I called again…and again…and again. Soon I fell asleep, tears falling from these cheeks. Curled up in a ball, it felt like the coldest winter night in a storm of sharp ice swirling around me.

And, somewhere in that night, a piece of myself was lost…
Never to be found again.


She walks through life nearly emotionless, because that’s the way she’s been taught since before grade-school. She puts on a smile and goes through the motions but nearly nothing truly touches her heart, because she was taught to never allow it. She looks around her life, her days, as if they aren’t hers but still acts like everything is okay, because she doesn’t know any better.

She says everything is okay, because she doesn’t know what’s right from wrong. She says everything is manageable, because she thinks that’s what’s expected of her. She says this and that and the words do flow, but her mind and her heart aren’t in the sentences that go:

I’m fine.
I’m okay.
I can do this.
It’s alright.
I’m used to it, so it’s all good.
Whatever happens, whatever goes.
It doesn’t really mean much.
It’s okay.
It’s fine.

But as things get harder, it’s harder to fake. As things come in big crashing waves, it’s hard to avoid feeling the pain. As things come faster than the speed of light, it’s impossible to know what’s coming your way.

She never wanted to admit she was depressed. She never wanted to admit she was struggling. She never wanted to admit that eating was sometimes impossibly hard for her. She never wanted to admit that she was wrong in saying everything was all right. She never wanted to say those words that would disappoint and make her seem like a failure. She never wanted to…but, in the end, maybe she has to.

She can’t hide from her nightmares through denial. She can’t erase the scars on her body through denial. She can’t relapse on her memories and make everything okay again by pretending the hurtful images never scarred. She can’t.

But she still tries.
She still wants to say that she will get better, one day at a time, without doing anything differently. She still wants to say that she is strong enough to get by without anyone’s acknowledgment or help and guidance. She still wants to walk through life as if she controls the world even though she feels as overlooked and invisible as an ant.

But, maybe one day she’ll get there.
She’ll get to the point that she can reach out for help without feeling weak. She’ll get to the point that she can break down without feeling pathetic. She’ll get to the point that she can tell the truth instead of hiding behind lies without having the urge to run and hide.



Battles Between

Battles Between

I want someone to be there to share my experiences with through college.
I want to be left alone in order to stay focused on my busy schedule.

I want someone to hang out with and talk to for hours without end.
I want to be able to get all my things done without feeling overwhelmed.

I want someone to yearn to understand me and know every perk about me.
I want to be a mystery and just have my own kind of world.

I want to enjoy someone’s company while I go through this fast-paced life.
I get overwhelmed by people’s presence when I’m trying to get things done.

It seems as if it is a constant battle between wanting a partner in life and wanting to be left alone. I yearn for company when I’ve spent too much time in solitude working on things, but then I get overwhelmed by my friends’ energy as they jump here and there with thoughts on random topics.

I want someone to share the crazy things that happen throughout the day.
I want a calm and fulfilling life with no drama and difficult circumstances.

I want someone to tell me stories about what goes on in their days.
I want to have meaningful conversations about the world around us not meaningless banter.

I want someone to plan hang outs with and spend quality time with.
I want to be in the comfort of my house without the loud city life around me blazing in my ears.

I want someone to be there when I need someone and support me through it all.
I want to be independent and a strong individual who can take care of herself.

April 28: Solitude

April 28: Solitude

The silence around me, the emptiness, and the calmness of every thing in being alone calms me yet is sometimes dangerous to me. Sometimes the experience is torturous – being trapped in silence, in an empty room, with nothing but myself and my dark thoughts – but other times it recharges my energy and allows me to recollect myself from the harshness of life.

When I am alone, I am allowed to do anything I please. I am given the opportunity to deal with a lot of things that I would not be able to when I am around company. There are times that being along makes me more productive, calm, and at ease. In solitude, I do not have to worry about keeping someone else company, someone else’s needs, or what someone else would think of me. In a way, being along comes with a certain feeling of being free.

When I am around people, with most people, I have my guard up. I am observative to make sure everyone’s needs are being met. I study people and watch others. I worry more about what it is that I am doing and how that gets seen by those around me. I almost lose my ability to relax completely due to the fact that I constantly have eyes on me. Sometimes this is a good thing – like when I am slipping into the dark side – but other times it feels suffocating.

That is when I wish to be alone, when I feel suffocated around others. But being alone, to me, can also be very dangerous if I am in the wrong state of mind. Like I said before, the experience could be torturous if I am to be trapped in silence, in am empty room, by myself with nothing but my dark thoughts. That is when I start to slip. The silence amplifies my dark thoughts and causes me to give in to the negative emotions of sadness, doubt, fear, and frustration. Sometimes it amplifies enough to the point of hatred, panic, and life-threatening depression.

Being alone, just like a lot of other things, has its benefits and its harms. There has to be a balance of both.