Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Close your eyes. Calm down. Feel that pulse of your heart. Remember that you’re still alive. Breathe in. Breathe out. Calm your mind.

The emptiness clouds your senses and the millions of thoughts buzz through your silent mind. You told yourself you wouldn’t turn off your emotions but, one day, automatically, they were turned off after a shocking wave of feelings engulfed your whole mind and body.

After how ever long you survived by ignoring the pain and pushing past the hurt, everything is catching up to you and you don’t know what to do. Lost in a jumble of emotions and a train wreck of thoughts, you breathe. Confused with both pain of the present and the hurt of the past, you simply try to breathe.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Remember you’re strength. Keep a calm mind. Breathe in. Breathe out.

You aren’t in this fight alone. You aren’t the only one struggling through their days. You aren’t the only one in several billion who have no sense of accomplishment even after years and years of achievements. You aren’t the only one who looks in the mirror and sees a stranger.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Remember who you are. Remember who’s in your heart. Breathe in. Breathe out.

Advertisements
Welcome Back…

Welcome Back…

I know it’s been a while since we’ve talked.
I know a lot has changed – on my side of the story anyway.
I know it’s time to focus on the future more than what’s happening right now.
I know we’ll both just get busier and busier.

I know it’s wary to say I still “feel at home” when talking to you.
I know it’s wary to say you’re still the easiest person to talk to…and most enjoyable at times.
I know it’s wary to say I am realizing the empty place you left in my life has been filled since you’ve come back.
I know it’s wary to say there are some things that cannot be duplicated in a relationship with someone else that I have with you.

But…

I know I will never trust you the same, if I can come trust you at all after everything you put me through.
I know I will never forget everything that happened for it had scarred me for life.
I know I will never be able to go back to how things were and feel like that again.
I know I will never be that little girl who trusted, who believed, who thought her fairytale would never end.

I know I am still trying to heal as I push the pain to the side.
I know I am still trying to accept and move forward from the scar you had left behind.
I know I am still trying to go through my life and find strength to be alright.
Because I know…I am still trying to push past the scar that continues to haunt me day in and day out.

But…

I know you bring a smile to my face as I am able to talk freely with you since…I always have my guard up uncomfortably high with nearly everyone else.
I know you make me feel better when you listen to my struggles and rants since…no one else will listen or puts up with my problems.
I know you give me a sense of well-being because I know you accept me for who I am since…everyone else seems to always be pointing out flaws and pushing me to change, not liking anything about who I truly am.

……what do I say?

I know I’m stressed out with everything that is going on in my life right now.
I know I don’t have much of an escape route, any outlet of any sort.
I know I’m dealing with a lot right now, physically and mentally, and feel overwhelmed some of the times.
I know I have a lot of pressure, a lot of expectations, a lot of…everything, that sometimes I just want to scream.

So, I know I might be too glad that you’re back in my life.
I know I might be too happy that I have someone to talk to who will accept me, listen to me, and be there for me…even if that person is you.
I know I might be too grateful for the little that you go because of everything I’m dealing with, everything that life’s putting me through.

I know I’m welcoming you back with open arms even though I might want to consider being more wary.
I know I’m becoming too excited about talking to you even though I might want to keep my distance.
I know I’m jumping in too far too fast even though I might want to not think of it as anything yet.
I know I’m starting to believe in you again too quick even though I might want to not trust anything right now.

But…

Welcome back. 🙂

April 17: Breath

April 17: Breath

One breath. Two breath. Three breath. Focus.

She sits at her table with her head rested in her hands. She breathes.

One…two…three…four…five…six…seven…eight…nine…ten…she counts.

With ten assignments, four projects, work, chores, and much more, she has too much on her plate. She is overwhelmed with things to do and there is not enough time to get everything done. She knows this too. She can’t do everything, but everything needs to get done.

“Just take a break.” or “It can wait until later.” Her friends constantly tell her. But in her mind, through her eyes, nothing can wait and everything needs to get done NOW.

She’s worried and she scared but no one can help her. She reaches out and no one answers her calls. She looks around but no one is seen in her sight. She’s alone, in her mind.

Working hard every moment she can, she pushes her body to its physical limits. She stays up late at night and wakes up early in the morning, using caffeine and energy drinks to keep her awake. She skips meals and forgets to drink, getting lost in her work as she put her full attention to the screen. She dries her eyes and turns them red, staring at the computer screen all day. She tries to do every single possible thing, forgetting that she needs to listen to her limits.

She pushes her health and pushes herself. She forgets to take a break and forgets to breathe. When she does, she gets better but she only then takes advantage of that to push herself further.

When she does, she can feel weight getting lifted from her heavy shoulders; she can feel the tightness start to vanish away from her chest; she can feel her headaches diminish into thin air. When she does, she gets a break from life and she loves it there.

But then she remembers of all the work she has to do, all the responsibilities life has shoved onto her plate, all her duties she needs to uphold, and everything comes crashing down. Her dream world – where she can just exist and live her life, where she can enjoy herself, where she can BREATHE – turns into darkness and vanishes from her grasp.

She needs to breathe. She needs to take one breath. Once again. But…she doesn’t. She goes back to work. She goes back into her torturous world she yearns to escape from. She goes back in darkness.

She only needed to breathe, take a breath…but she doesn’t. She doesn’t feel she is capable of escaping. She doesn’t feel she deserves to get away. She doesn’t feel like she’s enough.

Breath