Broken…But Okay

Broken…But Okay

I grew up with parents who were always more worried about reputation than anything. They grew up in a way in which gave them fear of the outside world beyond the limitations of their understanding. They didn’t know much better than to do anything they needed to survive. They wanted a better life for me and my sister. They wanted, more than anything, to be capable to provide us with everything we needed in life. But they never realized, the money wasn’t what we needed.

I grew up not being able to talk to anyone about my emotions. I was taught to shove all my emotions, both good and bad, down a drain that was supposed to lead into a block hole that took everything away. I was told to never trust those around me. I was showed and taught that family were the last people you should trust in this world. But, still, a part of me refused to believe everything I was taught. Sometimes, I wish I listened whole-heartedly.

I grew up believing I was a broken toy instead of a gift to the world. I was told no boy would want a girl with scars. I was told I was never ‘pretty’ with the scars that provided me a healthier life. I was told I’d never be good enough, by the one person who is supposed to love you to most. Not only did that leave scars in my skin but scars upon my heart.

I grew up not knowing who I was. But even though I spent every day trying to hide myself from the world, I know my heart has always recognized my soul.

I grew up knowing I was what people called “broken” in ways even I didn’t know. But, you know what, that doesn’t make me any less deserving; it doesn’t make me unlovable; it doesn’t make me any less capable.

I know life will constantly have peaks and valleys. There will be the ups and downs that bring us to where we are supposed to be. I know I will face tornados and tsunamis of hurt. I know I will experience life’s dream as well as life’s nightmare. I know that will never change, no matter how much I wish it to disappear. That is just who I am. And I have to accept that.

Broken

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Carved

Carved

Somewhere between the first time I met you and that last time I read your text ‘goodbye’, I lost myself…or had I ever found myself in the first place?

You were my old friend’s boyfriend. We hit it off and got along super well, a little too well even. I couldn’t help it. I found someone I thought might make a difference in my life. And wow, I was right. You made a difference to me.

You were the first person who I felt truly cared about me beyond the reputations or anyone around me. You saw me for who I was, a broken and lost little girl, and took me under your wing with caution that I’d fly away. You began taking care of me through the years. We got closer and drifted a part, and got closer and then parted ways.

Everyone who knows the story knows it was never that simple but, for the purpose of this writing, let’s keep it that way.

You made me happy but I was always fighting for your attention. You took care of me but sometimes I had to go out of my way to force you to show that concern I needed to see. You wanted the best for me but I found myself walking down a dark road once again.

I never made the best choices. The mind games got to me. The backstabbing made my insecurities grow. The lies made my questioning worse. The facade of a fairytale blinded my eyes and left my heart scarred and scared to ever love again.

I look back and I know I’m not going to forget you; I know I won’t forget what happened way back when. A part of me hates that, but the other part of me knows that’s the way things have to be for me to grow, for me to learn, for me to go beyond everything I used to be.

There were moments that I sent you a ‘goodbye’ text but always found myself going back, as if trying to find a part of myself I had lost within you. I was always so proud of myself when I said goodbye to you but always hated it when I went back to your name on my screen. It was as if I was constantly turning around on a ferris-wheel-like ride as I go on with my life.

Then, the last person I thought would save me did exactly that. I was suddenly freed from the life I wanted to leave behind over a year before I actually did. I cut ties completely and a part of me came back to me. I was extremely proud of myself in those moments that I picked myself back up and kept walking forward.

I wanted to start over. I wanted to begin again. And I finally was able to do that, completely.

But, looking back, I know there will be a weak spot in my heart for those I had once loved. I know there will a part of me who reminiscences some of the good old times. I know there will be a part of me I have to thank you for, whether I hate her or love her. I know there will be nothing I can do to erase what has been said and done.

And, I’m okay with that.

You have your place in my heart, way back there somewhere. You have your place in my thoughts, when I look back to the past and everything I was. And that’s okay. You don’t have a place in my present. You don’t have a place in my life. I wouldn’t want it any other way. But I will admit, your footprint stays on my heart and your scars stay on my skin.

And, that will have to be okay.

After all, you had carved your signature onto my heart.

Carve

How do you get over getting told everything that ever meant anything to you during the past several years was a lie? a facade? fake?

Stupid.

Why did I believe them when they said they were my friends? Why did I trust them when they said they cared? Why did I pour my heart out to them when they hated me?

It doesn’t make sense.

Why stay around someone and pretend to be their friend? Why stick by someone’s side and convince them that you are there for them? Why pretend to be genuine and understanding when you complain about them behind their back?

Stupid.

Why did I believe I had a “family” in the friends? Why did I trust that they would forgive me and let me turn over a new leaf? Why did I expect them to see how much I’ve changed?

Stupid.

Why did I hope for our friendships to last? Why did I dream about future plans when they didn’t want anything to do with me? Why did I believe that we would be okay even though they were holding a dagger to my back?

Stupid.

I know I’ve made mistakes. I know it’s been some time.
I know I’ve angered some people. I know true friendship is hard to find.
I know I’ve ruined things. I know a broken plate can’t be mended with the words ‘I’m sorry’.

But…

I know time has passed. I know I’ve grown up a little more.
I know I’m trying my best to do what’s right. I know I’m doing the best I can.
I know I’ve changed from the past. I know I see in a different light.

I believe someone can change, especially when someone else is there to guide them.

Me

Me

This is how I am:

I have my doubts,
I get overwhelmed with fear,
But I’m not backing down from this fight.

I second guess my decisions,
I overthink every situation,
But I will not walk away from this experience.

I worry about the what-ifs,
I look into the future and feel nauseous,
But I would not change a thing about my life right now.

When I am happy, I wait
For everything to end in disaster,
But I do my best to enjoy the moments I have that won’t last forever.

When I am fearful, I push
Those who care away to protect myself,
But I give in to the warm feelings if they are persistent enough.

When I am depressed, I shut off
Every emotion in my body so I can’t experience the pain and torture.
But I would never think of doing anything to hurt you during those times.

This is who I am:

A young lady growing up to find
That the “real world” isn’t as hard as it was in her mind.

A young artist still finding her style
As she walks down the streets and looks at life for a little while.

A growing photographer who has passion in her heart
Even when the work is hard, she knows she always has to start.

A little sister who looks up to her sister
As a strong woman who has made her mark on the world from the start.

A Dad’s little girl who tries her best
To just make her parents proud so she can finally rest.

A broken heart who has seen darker days
Trying her best to not let the present pay for those mistakes in the past.

A healing soul trying her best to make mends meet
As she struggles to find a meaning in all of this confusion and fear.

This is who I am.