Reality Hits

Reality Hits

Being productive was supposed to be today’s number one priority. I look at the notebook where I had started my notes for the first out of six essays I was planning to read; only the title is written, not a single note written down. I look at the clock and it’s already three. When did the day go by?

Yesterday night, I was planning to wake up early to help my dad paint the new office. Mom refused to let me go because I should study. I was trapped at home.

A few minutes after my dad left, my mom went somewhere too. My sister had been the first to leave for her class this morning. I was left at home.

For hours I blasted my music, trying to silence the thoughts running through my head. After feeling nothing but emptiness and pain for hours, numbness became the only thing I could process.

I want to scream but I’m mentally exhausted.
I want to be productive but my boring reading is the last thing I want to do.
I want to be creative but nothing flows through my head.
I want to do SOMETHING but I also just want to stay in bed.

I went to my mom and explained to her that I hadn’t done anything all day. She laughed. I felt like a failure and a joke. I wanted to cry. I’ve had so many meltdowns in the past couple days.

I want to reach out but no one seems to hear a sound.

I understand that they’re in a lot of pain. The lost was in their family, but still in my life.
I get that I should be strong for them and be there for them. But I wonder if they even realize I am screaming inside.

Trapped. In pain. Nowhere to hide. I’m broken inside.


September 15: Sorry, I’m Busy….

September 15: Sorry, I’m Busy….

1: Can we talk?
2(friend): What’s up?

1: I’ve been feeling…really lost.
2: What do you mean?

1: You know, throughout my life…I’ve never had the courage to be who I really am out on front.
2: Because you think people won’t accept you for who you are. Your parents put that in your head. I’ve told you. They’re wrong. You just don’t believe me.

1: It’s hard to believe something that goes against everything you’ve been taught for your entire life…
2: Whatever. I’m busy. I’ll talk to you another time

3: You okay? You look a bit pale.
1(close relative): Yeah, I’m fine. Probably just been staying up too late studying.

3: Your parents really push you to do well in school. It’s important. I agree. Just remember to take care of yourself
1: I will. Don’t worry….

3: How’s the college search anyway? Any places you want to go to?
1: I’ve looked at a couple. The ones I want to go to, my parents wouldn’t allow me to. So…I’m looking at the ones they pick out for me mostly.

3: That’s great. They’re looking out for you. I didn’t think they would have the time to even talk to you about college with work and everything.
1: Oh…they make the time.

3: You’re luckier than you realize.

1: Just got in a fight with parents. Got time to talk?
2(same friend): Sorry. I’ve been really busy. Can we talk about it another time?

1: Of course

1: Yet another argument…why can’t we just agree on something and get this whole thing over with?! It’s so tiring!

1: Hello?

1: Hey
2: Sorry can’t talk

1: -sigh- I’m so done right now…I just want to get out of here already
2: Oh come on, it’s not that bad haha you’re just overreacting

1: I don’t think I am
2: You are. I know you. Sleep on it and you’ll realize you belong there.

1: Want to go somewhere for the day? Got kicked out of the house.
2: I’ll ask my mom

2: She said no. Your parents called…great going

1: I feel so trapped here.
2: That’s what you say every single time your parents try to advise you of something. They’re only looking out for you, gosh. Do you always have to make it sound so bad?

1: I’m not trying to make it sound bad. I’m just telling you what I think.
2: I think it’s dump. You’re being ungrateful. Try seeing things from their side.

1: I do! But I can’t see the reasoning behind trying to hide their child for a lifetime
2: Then you aren’t trying hard enough

1: How can you say that? I’ve told you all the things that has happened throughout the years. I’ve told you my side of the story. I’ve told you things I never would’ve told someone else…What’s been up with you lately?
2: Because it’s true. You’re being an ungrateful little bitch!

2: Sorry, I’m busy

1: -announced dead the next week-