It’s been a while since I’ve heard from you. It’s been a while since we talked for so long. It’s been a while since I’ve smiled from your words or laughed from your personality. I’ve missed it.
For a while now, I admit, I haven’t missed you…but I’ve missed that feeling – the feeling I get when it’s so natural talking to you; the feeling I get when you bring a smile to my face; the feeling I get when I look forward to your reply; the feeling I get when you laugh at what I say. I’ve missed being able to be comfortable with someone, because it seems I’m guarded with everyone but you.
It’s funny how you still are the excluded one even after all that you’ve put me through.
I still will cherish this friendship. I still will cherish your time. I still will cherish how much you care about me and the efforts you put in me as time passes by.
I will still appreciate the connection we have. I will still help you here and there when I can. I will still feel proud of you and encourage you for the better. I will still want to make you happy.
Things have changed but…maybe, hopefully, our friendship will survive even to later years.
I wonder how you’ve been during the past so months. I wonder how things are at home with your cousin and your father. I wonder how things are with classes – how your professors are and how you’re transitioning to school. I wonder how your relationships have been with everyone. I wonder how your physical health is. I wonder how you’ve been emotionally too.
Despite all, I know you’ll get through. Sometimes I wish I could be there for you but I know you will be okay and I have faith in you. Despite all, I hope you’ve grown a bit more. I hope you’ve found something better in life.
I hope you’ve surpassed the past.
I used to love you with all my heart. I used to love you to a point where it was too much for my own good. I used to put you over everything else. And that was my mistake.
Mistake (n.) – an action or judgment that is misguided or wrong
I remember pushing things aside to make room for you in my day just so I could possibly, just maybe, make your day a little better. I remember taking on your duties and offering to help a lot more than I normally would just so I could lighten your load. I remember lying about my own circumstances and situations in order to brush off my own problems and issues just so you didn’t have to worry about more. I remember going crazy worrying for you, about you. I remember doing so much for you. I remember overthinking many nights and problems because of you. I remember doing things I wouldn’t have done if not for you. I remember pushing myself, my own limits, for your sake. And that was my mistake.
I pretended to be okay and pushed myself to go through the day even with everything I had been dealing with, mentally and physically, in hopes that it would make it easier for you to focus on your work and your day. I pretended that I could do it all in hopes that I could take the weight off your shoulders. I pretended to be fine with some things in hopes that it would make you happy. And that was my mistake.
I asked for you to be there when I needed you. I asked for you to help me through my pains. I asked for you to listen and support me when I needed it. I asked for you to give me your time and heart…because that was what I thought you would want to give me. After all, you had said you loved me most. And that was my mistake.
I loved you too much. I gave you too much.
I still love you, but not as much. I would still give you my time and attention, but I wouldn’t prioritize you too the top as much. I would still be willing to help, but not as much. I would still want to be there for you, but not as much. I would still give, but not as much. I wouldn’t want to lose myself again and, instead of looking for me, look towards you. That was my mistake.
Things have changed since the last time we spoke. I won’t make that mistake again, with you or anyone else. Not again.
New Year’s Day. Two thousand sixteen.
I’ll look back to our memories and just…remember.
Remember our first moment in class, that look in your eyes. Remember your shyness when you wanted to hold my hand for the very first time. Remember our first kiss, and how you flipped that coin. Remember our first date, and all those times you played our song.
Remember our late night phone calls, neither of us wanting to leave. Remember our endless conversations, going from ‘good morning’ to ‘goodnight‘ and ‘sweet dreams‘. Remember all the times you hugged me, neither of us wanting to let go. Remember our talks and laughing, wishing that time would freeze or at least go a little slow.
I know that I will look back and remember you.
I’m looking back right now. I’m looking back at all these posts about you. I’m looking back and know I don’t regret anything at all.
I know we’ll make more memories. I know not much will change. I know we’ll continue to care for each other, as we did from the very first day. I know…we’ll be okay. We’re us. We’ll be okay.
My heart skips a beat. My words don’t come as easily. I don’t know where to put my hands and feet, where are my eyes suppose to be.
I shuffle my papers in front of me. I occupy myself drawing and “spacing out”. I don’t know, really, what to do with myself.
I’ve never had this happen before. I’ve never was the jealous type. I was never one to be possessive, especially toward something that wasn’t mine.
None of this stuff happened to me before, before…so why now?
There’s a difference. There’s something special. It’s there. I know. But why?
It’s been two months since I’ve stepped on that beloved campus ground…67 days to be exact. I wonder how things have changed since I’ve only heard stories. I’m curious about how I have changed and whether they will remember me the same way I remember them. Will everything be different or has everything remained the same? Questions run through my mind unstop without a sign of a break, but I can’t do anything but wait to see what happens next.
I’ve dreamed of setting foot there one day. I’ve fantasized about seeing the familiar sights. But what happens when it’s all I ever wished for it to be? At least that would be easier then having to not meet my high standards, since I would end up waiting for the next visit instead of regretting ever going there.
There are so many things that rush through my mind. The places I loved standing, the things I never did, the words I had said and the live I had left; they all stand out to me as I wait for the night to end and the sun to shine. I wait for the rays hit my window glass, shine through my empty walls and brighten up my day as it signals the time to go back to where I came from, the place I grew up and learned the things I love to do, and the place I dream of being.
There’s only four more hours until day 67 is gone and day 1 of a new round can start its count.
I can’t wait ❤
I look around at the school I attend, the people I hang out with, the classes I go to, etc. but nothing looks familiar. I close my eyes and search for those feelings I had when they were around, my creative thoughts running whenever I was alone, etc. but nothing was there. After so long…everything is too different.
Wishing I could go back, I know that’s out of the question. Wanting to feel how i did (happy and carefree), I get lost in the stress and struggle. After so long…I’m so different.
Dreaming about how things use to be, I am happy and at peace. But as my eyes flutter open, I am struck with reality and I fall to pieces. The dream is always better than reality. But it’s impossible to stay sleeping forever. Sleeping forever would mean missing everything good about the life I have right now, even if the negative parts would disappear as well.