My mind stopped spinning. My body stopped crying.
Everything just stopped.
The silence is louder than a loaded gun, as James Durbin would say.
The absence of pain is more torturous in the long run.
It’s as if the tornado of thoughts, the whirlwind of panic and fear, the blizzard of confusion, everything just got trapped somewhere.
When you sit down for an exam you’ve studied for endless hours for and your mind goes blank…it doesn’t matter how hard you try or the fact that you know the information is somewhere just beyond the wall, you can’t get to it. That’s what this feels like. My emotions, my thoughts, my pain is just beyond the rainbow but it doesn’t matter how hard I try to force myself to feel, to think, because it’s simply out of my reach.
The calmness should terrify me.
The absence should worry me.
But, in reality, I’m used to this. I’m used to shutting my emotions off when my mind can’t comprehend or handle what I feel. I’m used to pretending to be brave and strong to take someone else under my wing. I’m used to having happiness getting stroke down with a brick wall being slammed into my face.
But somewhere in between the panic and the pain, my body stopped comprehending the world around it. It’s like dumping two pounds of flour onto a cup size funnel and expecting it to work out. You get the flush of ingredients when you initially dump the flour over but it will soon get stuck and it will quickly overflow the system. And leaving it there won’t change anything.
Time won’t change anything if all you do is stare.
I laugh at myself sometimes. Sometimes I can’t help but ask myself, “What the hell are you doing with yourself?” Because sometimes, even though I know better, I retrace my steps within the new circumstances I’m facing.
I know better than to let someone this close to me. I know I get emotionally attached a little too easily and always end up getting hurt. But it seems like the more I walk down the same path and end up hurt, the more I don’t care about getting hurt. I know I’ll survive and I know I’ll recover from whatever trauma I might experience. But I also know that if I don’t take the chance and take a leap of faith when meeting someone new, I know there is the possibility of them making a hug difference in my life that I would be throwing away.
I know better than to get pulled back into the past. I know reminiscing will only make me yearn to relive the blissful moments just one more time. I know looking back at all the mistakes I’ve made will only make me regret them more and hold myself accountable yet again as if I hadn’t already hated myself one too many times. I know remembering all the hurtful comments will only make my brain keep them on a broken record that keeps running through my mind. I know allowing myself to feel all of that again will only hurt me even more.
I know better than to get distracted from my studies and let my guard down. I know that the more lean way I give myself to get my work done, the more I won’t want to get anything done. I know that the more time I give myself to work on my hobbies, the more I won’t want to stop working on the things that have become a second nature to me. I know that the more time I spend relaxing and letting my guard down, the more I will miss it when I’m in a tense environment. But the more I let myself live happily and the more I let myself be who I truly am, the more I get reminded that’s the true way to live despite what my life is.
I know I am independent and strong on my own. I know I can go through my days without someone needing to remind me of what to do, but I still ask him to remind me here and there when I can. I know I do perfectly fine without telling someone about my plans, but I still find some peace in letting him know what’s going down. I know I can deal with my life on my own, but I still find it soothing to know someone cares enough to get updated. I know I’ve gone through almost the entirety of my life without someone checking in on me, but I still find it so comforting when he asks me how I’m doing and genuinely cares to know. I know I am perfectly fine with being independent but the more I find reassurance in his presence and support, the more I find me telling myself that being a little dependent on him is okay.
I know turning off my emotions will only harm me in the future. I know I should deal with the emotions as they come, but I always find myself pushing them into a mental box when they come as intensely as they do. I know I will break one day when I’ve shoved too many emotions into the already-full bottle, but I always find myself going back to my old ways. I know I’ll pay in the future for the countless times I’ve used this defensive mechanism, but I have yet to learn better. I know I still haven’t learned how to deal with my emotions because of this, but I still haven’t found enough courage and support to start learning now.
I know better! …yet I don’t at the same time.
Mask your struggle with determination. Mask your doubts with confidence. Mask your pain with smiles. Mask your screams with laughs. Mask your emotions with…false emotions.
Hide in the darkness. Don’t let them see you cry. Don’t show weakness. Don’t show those signs. Hide in the darkness. That is where you belong. That is where you will find comfort. That is where you can be…you, because no one can see you.
That’s what I was taught growing up.
Show what is true and no one will understand. Try to explain what goes through your mind and they won’t comprehend. It’s better to stay silent, is it not?
They don’t understand because they aren’t YOU. They won’t fully get it because they aren’t YOU. No one can understand what you’re struggling against because they aren’t YOU. No one can feel your emotions because they aren’t YOU.
That’s the beauty in it. They won’t fully get it, but that doesn’t mean they can’t try to. They can’t read your mind, but that doesn’t mean they can’t listen to your words. They can’t live your life for you, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be beside you through it all.
What is a mask for? For protection…but there’s beauty in vulnerability, or that’s what I’ve been told.
My heart skips a beat. My words don’t come as easily. I don’t know where to put my hands and feet, where are my eyes suppose to be.
I shuffle my papers in front of me. I occupy myself drawing and “spacing out”. I don’t know, really, what to do with myself.
I’ve never had this happen before. I’ve never was the jealous type. I was never one to be possessive, especially toward something that wasn’t mine.
None of this stuff happened to me before, before…so why now?
There’s a difference. There’s something special. It’s there. I know. But why?