The Good in The Bad

The Good in The Bad

The past couple weeks haven’t been the best. You can tell by my last few blogs on here about that numbing silence or the yearn to scream and to be told my friend is there for me. I can’t tell you that I’ve felt better, but I can say things are a lot easier.

I try not to think about it anymore. I try to occupy my time. I do my best to not stay in bed for days at a time. Let’s be honest. I let myself dwell in buckets full of my emotions way too much and way too long. But that’s how I am.

And during this time, one friend reminding me that I am genuinely cared for has pushed me to go the distance.

Let me explain how our friendship has turned out:

At first, I could talk to him for a couple hours at least twice a week. Random topics. Us being two weirdos. Just having a laugh and forgetting some of the stresses of the world. I knew I had a good feeling about this friendship for a reason; I knew I had a good feeling about him for a reason.

After a while, he went back to his normal habits of texting and we both got busier so we would talk less, see each other less. I’m the kind of person who can’t stand forgetting to respond to someone. It’s up there right next to not being able to stand seeing little red spots all over my screen, yelling at me for not checking something. He’s different.

Now, I get maybe one text once a week from him and I respond with one (while spamming him every now and then when I see a cool photo on Instagram, or need someone to rant to). Our “one text”s are long, though. They’re paragraphs just because of how many things I rant about throughout the week (I need to stop doing that. Sometimes it just feels better to be able to rant to someone despite getting a response because, honestly there sometimes isn’t a response to be given).

I saw him for maybe five minutes the other day between my jobs. He asked if I was feeling better. And it wasn’t like when normal people ask if you’re okay and you kinda already know they’re just asking to say they asked. I can always see it in his eyes that he genuinely wants to know and he genuinely cares. And that made my day, because it also made me realize that I am feeling better. Maybe it’s not perfect yet but I’m feeling a little better. That’s something!

You guys, it’s the little things!

Like the other day, when I was stressed over my head and my brain felt like it was going to burst into a million pieces, I went to my dad and told him; I went to my mom and talked about how stressed I am. And, guess what, even though they didn’t know how to help or what words to say to make it better, they listened. My mom tried to give me some pointers; she rubbed my back and told me it was going to be okay. And that meant the world to me.

Even when the world seems to be working against us, we really do need to remember and cherish these small moments that mean the world.

One Nasty Night

One Nasty Night

She walks down the dark empty street. She feels at home. She is finally calm and at peace after several endless weeks of chaos. She walks slowly; there is a little bounce to her steps. A smile forms on her face as beautiful memories replay themselves through her mind.

There is a shadow behind her. It grows from hers as her shape lifts from the ground. A dark aura spills from the edges. There seems to be a mist, a vaporizing smoke that flies around the creature. It stalks her. The atmosphere changes and her body tenses. She feels something is off. A wall had fallen down on her happiness.

The creature mirrors her. For every step she takes, it takes one. The creature…is her.

Suddenly there is a monstrous shriek. It rings through the icy cold air. My heart skips a beat. Her footsteps freeze. In milliseconds her form changes and she is the beast. But in the moment of weakness, in between the change, the shadow attacks and holds a death grip at her throat. I want to jump and somehow save the day but I can’t move nor have a say.

I watch as she gasps for air, helpless to do anything. She struggles as she is lifted from the ground. Her nails dig at her neck, trying to get out of the grip. She fails. She grows limp.

The shadow lets go, calms down, and returns to a more stable form. It looks down at the body it use to follow as a shadow. It looks down at the girl and…I think it felt sorrow.

It calms down, changes form…and now it’s the girl looking down on herself.

It was a battle between two sides of herself.

She looks down, emotionless and dry, then turns to ask me, “Why did I do that to myself?”

Always There

Always There

You see me go through thick and thin. You see me stressed, happy, and nervous. You hear of my struggles, my phases, my mood swings. You hear of my pain, my hurt, my sorrow. And you’re always there for me through it all.

You probably don’t know this, but you are apart of that little light that I still see in my life. Your bubbly happiness causes colors to reform into my eyes when all I see are the darkened shades of pain. Your ability to see hope where I think all is lost brings a new meaning to my darkened pain. You probably don’t know this, but you do a lot more for me than you give yourself credit for.

You’ve listened to me when I am down. You’ve comforted me when I was nervous or doubtful. You’ve reassured me when I was scared and full of fear. You’ve been there through all the emotions I’ve allowed myself to feel, without a single spec of judgement in the air.

You’ve seen me when I was down. You’ve seen me when I was happy. You’ve experienced what it was like to see me cry, see me full of joy, see me full of pain. You’ve seen me when I was nervous. You’ve seen me when I was trying not to be angry.

You’ve watched me fall in love. You’ve watched me get my heart torn apart. You’ve watched me chase after my dreams. You’ve watched me hide in a corner full of doubts and fears.

You’ve been there for me through so much. You’ve seen different sides of me that not many others get to see, or even know exist. Yet you love me either way. You’ve seen all the sides of me that are good. You’ve seen that part of me.

Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for walking through it all with me. Thank you for your attempts of picking me up when I fall. Thank you, for being you. You do a lot more than you give yourself credit for. Just keep being you.