May 17: South

May 17: South

Where am I to go?

There is a path that stands before me. There are many paths that start from where I am. There are many paths that branched off a little back. Is it too late to go back? Should I walk forward?

You can’t erase the past but you can make it right. That’s what I’ve been told. You can’t take back what had been done but you can fix it to make it correct.

Sometimes anyways…

Was it too late to go back? During the past four years, there are things I am not very proud of. During the past four years, there are things I wish I could take back. During the past four years, there are actions I had taken that still haunt me today.

Is it too late to go back and fix things? Make them “right” again?

For some things, the answer to this question is “yes”. I wish it were not, but it is true. This is how things are. This is what I made happen.

The person who lived through my eyes four years ago isn’t the same person who stares back at me in the mirror today. The person who did all those things had been locked up into the deepest corner of my heart and mind, but she yearns to escape and waits for the day in which she will get her way.

I fear that day. I fear myself, in a way.

I know what I am capable of. I know what I can do, what she can do, what she had done.

And there is no way for me to take back her actions or “make them right”.

From where I stand right now, I look back at the paths I could’ve taken and imagine what I would’ve found among those roads. Things would have been different if I had chosen to walk a different route. I would be different from the person I am now.

But I can’t change that. I can’t walk backwards. I can’t go back south and change my decision to walk this way.

There is a future ahead of me…but darkness is all I see. For the things she had done and the things I can never forgive myself for, I see the future ahead does not consist of a light in the dark.

But I still have hope. Maybe I can’t forgive myself yet, maybe I can’t escape from my past, but I can keep walking forward. I can choose correctly now and do something right.

Maybe…just maybe…I’ll even find that light in the dark.

If I’m patient enough, if I’m strong enough, if I’m worthy enough, I won’t need to go back to my past and change everything that I had done.

South

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May 2: Music

May 2: Music

The familiar notes of the piano, the soothing beats of the drums, the strumming of the guitar…music.

When I want my space, I turn on something loud. The volume gets turned up and everything around me gets covered up by the songs played. When I want my space, I don’t even want to hear my thoughts sometimes.

When I want help sleeping, I turn on something soothing and calming. The volume gets softened and it feels like I got sucked into my happy place. When I want help sleeping, I go to the piano and guitar instrumentals.

I drown out my thoughts, the ones I don’t want to hear. I drown out the yelling, the voices that always scream. I drown out everything around me, the things that just take and hurt.

When I want to be left alone, I turn on something, anything. I focus in on the lyrics, the beat, the music. There’s a language within the notes themselves that never go unnoticed. It helps me get into a zone.

Music is everywhere. Music can be for nearly everything. Music.

Music

Familiar Atmosphere

Familiar Atmosphere

The familiar atmosphere and characteristics are reminding
But I’m weary about which person I love and which person I see there being
The person I love hanging out with and the one I told dear to heart
Which person I’ll be hurt over when we have to part

Though how we click tell me we won’t say “bye” a time near or soon
The friendship we have going on is not even near to bloom
But my heart won’t let me take the chances and hope too high
Because once you tighten your grip, the bird will go soar and fly

That might not be what had happened with me last group of friends
But I won’t take the chance this time just to be sad and sorry in the end
The familiar atmosphere and characteristics are all so reminding
But whether you stay for long or short depends on everything’s timing.

Finally Home…But Can’t Stay

Finally Home…But Can’t Stay

As I stepped foot on the campus, everything felt at home. After all this was where I was meant to be. It’s just a shame I couldn’t stay.

 

I walked down the familiar path. Surrounded with familiar sights and familiar sounds, it was perfect. As I opened the door to the room I had spent most my time in, I couldn’t bare leaving. The room was the same. The desks, the boards, the cabinets, even the books and teacher were all the same. I was finally standing in the exact same room in which the passion I have for photography was discovered, and the love for writing increasingly grew. So many memories ran through my mind, but in the end, I had to leave.

 

Walking back down that familiar path, my eyes met with another that I had not known fairly well, but knew quite well enough. I slightly smiled to greet him; he smiled at the sight of me but neither of us paused to say hello. When only a couple feet stood between myself and the car, an old friend gave me a hug asking where I have been. But again, neither of us paused long enough to say anything much. She wasn’t anyone I had really been fond of, but the feeling of letting her go felt like I was letting go of everything I had there. But it didn’t matter how I felt since, in the end, I had to leave.

 

It had seemed to get colder and colder as I made my way to the car. The sights of it pulling away and drive down the street made my heart break. I couldn’t bare seeing myself leave that place. But even though that was true, I couldn’t bring myself to close my eyes at the sight. It wasn’t every day that I got to see that place, step onto the campus or drive down the road. I couldn’t close my eyes because I didn’t know when I could see these things again and wasn’t willing to take the chance of giving my last one up.

 

I will dearly miss the place, forever yearning to return home.

 

This won’t be “goodbye”. I will come back another time.