I Love You, Công Chúa

I Love You, Công Chúa

No one will come to compare to how much I love you.

I remember the first time we met at UCI and I thought you were older than me. Most of the volunteers at the program were older; I was always the youngest of them all by far. You had yourself so put together in the front. There was always pain in your eyes, in your heart, but you smiled through it.

Remember when I warned you not to get involved with me? I tried to push you away despite it was obvious we clicked. You were stubborn enough to tell me it was your choice to stick around, and did.

You were the first girl I’ve ever put my faith in.

I saw a part of my sister in you. When I found out you were just starting high school I wanted to do everything I could to make sure you didn’t fall into the same path I mistakenly took my freshmen year. I hung out with you and your friends. We became closer. I introduced you to my group of friends and automatically you were the ‘little one’ we all protected.

I mean, one of us had motherly instincts, another always had a thing with fixing people, the other had a very soft heart, and, well, I loved you like no other. I couldn’t bare you going through any pain. I couldn’t stand you thinking you were ever going through anything alone. I still remember the day you told me you learned how to be strong from me – and that itself is my greatest achievement by far.

But, obviously, we’ve come far from then. It’s been four years and now you’re graduating. You’ve grown into a beautiful and strong young woman. You have ambition. You have fire. You have strength like no other. And I can’t be more proud of you.

I can’t wait to see where you go in life. I can’t wait to see how much you achieve and experience along the way. After all, we’re family. You will never be alone in this world no matter how far we stray. No matter what happens, you will always have a home to stay with me. You will always have an older sister who will hold you when you’re hurting and be pissed at everything and everyone who brings you pain. You will always have me to encourage you and support you through all your life predicaments. You will always have me cheering you on to be the best version of you, for you. You will always have me, here, loving you.

Remember that. We are family after all. I love you.

Sleeve

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One Day…

One Day…

When I have a daughter, I am going to talk to her about healthy relationships. When she gets to the age of liking boys, I am going to talk to her about stable relationships. When she starts dating, I am going to talk to her about safe sex.

Throughout her life, I am going to be there for her.

I am going to try my best to let her know what self-respect is. I am going to talk to her about her emotions. I am going to show her and introduce different methods to express herself. I am going to watch her grow and discover life.

I am going to try to have mutual respect in my relationship with her. I am going to try my best to hear her out and listen to her stories. I am going to stand by her side and let her know she can always lean on me.

I am going to let her have her own life. I am going to let her discover things on her own. I am going to let her have her privacy. I am going to let her be herself.

I am going to nudge her to be her best. I am going to push her to try her hardest. I am going to try to pave a path in whichever direction she wishes to venture to. I am going to be there through it all.

One day, I will be the best mother I can be.

March 26. 19. 2017.

March 26. 19. 2017.

– writing this ahead of time –

I wonder if my phone will explode with messages and calls. I wonder if people will be kinder and try to make me smile more. I wonder what will happen during the next couple days at school when I see my classmates and friends.

I wonder if my parents will remember. I wonder if my sister will call home from London. I wonder if we’ll celebrate somehow. I wonder if it’ll just be one of those rare dinners that we have (like steak or hotpot) whenever we “celebrate”. I wonder if we’ll go out to head a some sushi buffet because we’re lazy to cook and make it big.

I wonder if my aunts will remember. I probably won’t hear from my aunts or uncles. I’ve never been close to family.

I wonder if I’ll be buried in schoolwork. I wonder how that’s going to go. I wonder if I’ll even remember. I won’t if I’ll have any time for myself and just be grateful I survived yet another year of life.

March 26. I turn 19. Almost 20.

March 26. Last year was hell. Too much drama with friends.

March 26. It’s a week or so away. I wonder what will happen.

I don’t celebrate. We usually don’t do anything. Family doesn’t do the whole gift thing, the whole taking time to see what they would really want or what would be super meaningful. We don’t do that. Family doesn’t do that.

Awell.

My Escape

My Escape

I miss being able to talk to you for hours and hours without end.
I miss being able to call you up whenever knowing that you’d be there without doubt.
I miss being able to go to you whenever I needed a hand to help me up or a shoulder to cry on.
I miss being able to say that my best friend is the BEST.

But, you still are…the best I know.

You put up with me when I was grouchy, when I was moody, when I was stubborn, when I was hotheaded.
You continued to be at my side through my anxiety, through my breakdowns, through my panic attacks, through my meltdowns.
You held my hand and silently let me know things will be alright when I was nervous, when I was scared, when I was anxious.
You dealt with my mood swings, my tendency to hide things, my silence…my life.

You never once told me you were tired of dealing with me and my life.
You never once said you didn’t want to be there for me anymore.
You never once stated that you regret standing by my side through all the ups and downs.
You never once…

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Dear Me (of the Future)

Dear Me (of the Future)

I hope you have found a way to be happy without needing distractions to avert your attention from any emotional or mental pain.
I hope you have found a way out of your physical pain and the chains that once tied your feet to the ground.
I hope you have found a way to love yourself the way your first love did.
I hope you have survived all the pain that I am going through and you are living somewhere out there, in the future, as a new and improved me who has learned more than I can ever imagine.

I hope you can hold your head high when people ask what you do for living and smile when you tell them of work.
I hope you can smile and laugh freely without having to fake your happiness for the world to believe that you are okay.
I hope you can breathe when you are sitting in your house without the pressure and tension that use to grasp at your heart and soul.
I hope you can speak your mind without being torn down and shoved into a corner by everyone, even your family.

I hope you have stable friends around you who you know you can count on and trust to be there.
I hope you have friends who accept you, encourage you, and love you for the person you are – flaws and all.
I hope you have friends who live life with you and don’t hide secrets from you.
I hope you have friends who mean well and don’t do you harm.

I hope you can walk outside without being paranoid of someone following you, someone having bad intensions.
I hope you can calmly talk to people without wanting to put up your walls, walk away, or hide your true self.
I hope you can focus on your work and studies without being scared of what people would think if you work too hard or not enough, get too great of grades or too bad of grades, or work too fast or too slow.
I hope you can tell people you are okay and you are looking forward to the next couple years of your life without having to lie and pretend as if everything is okay.

I hope you have come to peace with your past, all your struggles you’ve been through, all your mistakes that you’ve made, etc.
I hope you have learned to look forward in life instead of just around you or behind.
I hope you have accepted yourself, flaws and all.
I hope you have found whatever it is that I believe is missing from my life and embraced it in yours.

I hope you are okay.
I hope your life has come together more.
I hope you have a stable and strong support system like you always wanted.
I hope you are truly happy with life.
I hope you are okay.

Friend. Family? More. Less?

Friend. Family? More. Less?

Conversations start to die down. Time spent togethers gets less and less. Effort put into it…seems to dry out.

I wish I could go back to the time where I knew for a fact that we would be okay no matter what. I believed I would always have you there for me, by my side…through it all. I trusted you unlike any other. But, of course, everything changed.

I am scarred by betrayal. I need to heal from the hurt. But I push it off, wanting to know we would be okay in the end. Will we?

Part of me has confidence in us still. Part of me believes that even if we drift apart now, we’ll come back together stronger than ever. Part of me thinks we’ll be okay and our promises will be kept.

The other half of me has its doubts. The other half of me is scared of letting us go right now. The other half of me does not have faith; it has grown weak and does not wish to put our friendship to chance.

Every part of me wishes we would be okay again. Every part of me wishes you to come back to me. Every part of me wishes…for my friend back.

But I need to grow. I feel the past holding me back. I hope you will come with me into my future. I hope you will one day, if not now, be a big part of my life once again. I hope, one day, we’ll be okay.

I have faith in us. This is what I meant all those times. I have faith that, no matter what, we’ll be okay in the end.