Mistake (n.)

Mistake (n.)

I used to love you with all my heart. I used to love you to a point where it was too much for my own good. I used to put you over everything else. And that was my mistake.

Mistake (n.) – an action or judgment that is misguided or wrong

I remember pushing things aside to make room for you in my day just so I could possibly, just maybe, make your day a little better. I remember taking on your duties and offering to help a lot more than I normally would just so I could lighten your load. I remember lying about my own circumstances and situations in order to brush off my own problems and issues just so you didn’t have to worry about more. I remember going crazy worrying for you, about you. I remember doing so much for you. I remember overthinking many nights and problems because of you. I remember doing things I wouldn’t have done if not for you. I remember pushing myself, my own limits, for your sake. And that was my mistake.

I pretended to be okay and pushed myself to go through the day even with everything I had been dealing with, mentally and physically, in hopes that it would make it easier for you to focus on your work and your day. I pretended that I could do it all in hopes that I could take the weight off your shoulders. I pretended to be fine with some things in hopes that it would make you happy. And that was my mistake.

I asked for you to be there when I needed you. I asked for you to help me through my pains. I asked for you to listen and support me when I needed it. I asked for you to give me your time and heart…because that was what I thought you would want to give me. After all, you had said you loved me most. And that was my mistake.

I loved you too much. I gave you too much.

I still love you, but not as much. I would still give you my time and attention, but I wouldn’t prioritize you too the top as much. I would still be willing to help, but not as much. I would still want to be there for you, but not as much. I would still give, but not as much. I wouldn’t want to lose myself again and, instead of looking for me, look towards you. That was my mistake.

Things have changed since the last time we spoke. I won’t make that mistake again, with you or anyone else. Not again.

Mistake

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Reunited. Finally.

Reunited. Finally.

I missed them so much. When I heard there was a chance just one of them could come to see me that day, it made my day….it made my whole week. I wasn’t expecting for them all to be there. Even though the surprise was slightly given away, it was the best christmas present I could get. They made me the happiest girl just to be able to see them, hang out with them and talk to them with no worries. They came, and they made it the best day I ever lived since I left. I will never forget that incredible day.

The day came and went. It went by too fast, the wait for them to get there was too long, and the minutes that it took me to leave was too heartbreaking. Even though we planned to meet again in the future, it seemed too long for it to get here. But it finally did, after what seemed like ten years of waiting. We met again, but then we had to say goodbye again. But this time it wasn’t just “goodbye” (if it was ever said in the first place. No, it wasn’t because none of us could bare saying such words to each other.), not this time, it was “goodbye, until next time”.

“Until next time” It meant we were going to see each other again sometime. We planned it, and we were all going to count on it. These were friends of mine that I couldn’t imagine my life without. These friends meant everything to me and I wasn’t just going to say goodbye to them. We are going to be meet again. We’ll always be friends, always be there for one another etc. 

They are the best friends I could ever ask for. No, they aren’t just friends to me. We aren’t just friends. They’re my sisters. They’re my brothers. We are siblings and so much more. We can never be separated. Not now, and not ever. 

We will meet again one day. It’s just the wait that’s going to kill me. But at least I know for a fact that the day will come again. it will come a day where we meet again. The only question is, how long I have to wait? The only heartbreaking truth is, I can’t have time stop at the moment where we meet again and I can’t make the day, those hours, last forever.

I wish with all my heart that I could do those things, but I just can’t. But I guess this is where that quote I heard of comes into play, “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” But I won’t smile, it won’t show all my happiness for the fact that it happened. I will smile, I will laugh and cry and scream and yell to the world how happy I am that it happened. I’m more than just happy that it happened. Now I just have to find a way to show everyone exactly how happy I am.

 

I miss you guys. I can’t wait to see you all again. I love you guys. Now and forever. Image

Finally Home…But Can’t Stay

Finally Home…But Can’t Stay

As I stepped foot on the campus, everything felt at home. After all this was where I was meant to be. It’s just a shame I couldn’t stay.

 

I walked down the familiar path. Surrounded with familiar sights and familiar sounds, it was perfect. As I opened the door to the room I had spent most my time in, I couldn’t bare leaving. The room was the same. The desks, the boards, the cabinets, even the books and teacher were all the same. I was finally standing in the exact same room in which the passion I have for photography was discovered, and the love for writing increasingly grew. So many memories ran through my mind, but in the end, I had to leave.

 

Walking back down that familiar path, my eyes met with another that I had not known fairly well, but knew quite well enough. I slightly smiled to greet him; he smiled at the sight of me but neither of us paused to say hello. When only a couple feet stood between myself and the car, an old friend gave me a hug asking where I have been. But again, neither of us paused long enough to say anything much. She wasn’t anyone I had really been fond of, but the feeling of letting her go felt like I was letting go of everything I had there. But it didn’t matter how I felt since, in the end, I had to leave.

 

It had seemed to get colder and colder as I made my way to the car. The sights of it pulling away and drive down the street made my heart break. I couldn’t bare seeing myself leave that place. But even though that was true, I couldn’t bring myself to close my eyes at the sight. It wasn’t every day that I got to see that place, step onto the campus or drive down the road. I couldn’t close my eyes because I didn’t know when I could see these things again and wasn’t willing to take the chance of giving my last one up.

 

I will dearly miss the place, forever yearning to return home.

 

This won’t be “goodbye”. I will come back another time.