Waiting, Patiently

Waiting, Patiently

I’m waiting for the day I don’t miss my friends whose path has diverted from my own; I’m waiting for when the last memory with them doesn’t haunt me whenever I think back to that day or that night, if goodbyes were even exchanged; I’m waiting for when their smile and the sound of their laughter doesn’t make my heart ache so; I’m waiting for my heart to stop looking back around the corner for some kind of sign that I’ll be seeing them again and that it’ll all be okay this time ‘round. I’m waiting for the day my heart lets my past go.

Because I know that day will come, no matter how much I don’t want it to. Because I know time will heal, even the worst things I don’t think it will be able to. Because I know I will find someone or something else that’ll remind me what it feels like to feel that kind of joy in my heart again. Because I know I will find someone or someplace that’ll make me feel safe once more, even when it feels as if I’ve had the weight of the world on my shoulders for endless time. Because I know I’ll be stronger one day for everything I’ve let myself experience and go through. Because I know I’ll be okay again, one day soon.

No Longer Sorry

No Longer Sorry

I’m no longer going to apologize for knowing I deserve better. I’m no longer going to say sorry because you aren’t what I need. I’m no longer going to stay silent and repress my wants, my needs, and my feelings just so you can say everything’s okay.

Through the last many friendships, and the last couple relationships, I’ve learned a lot about what I need within my relations with others. I’ve learned about what I need. I’ve learned about what I need to walk away from. I’ve learned that I have a say.

I need someone to be supportive and encouraging. I need someone who is very observative. I need someone who is values deep conversations and emotional connections more than physical connections and lust or desire.

I need someone who is willing to be vulnerable. I need someone who will be 100% in the relationship, not someone who will put a foot out the door every time it gets scary.

I need someone I can be myself around, one hundred percent myself around. I need someone who I can be vulnerable with. I need someone who I don’t feel the need to hide from. I need someone who loves me for every piece of who I am.

I need someone I can have fun with. I need someone to engulf in careless days of joy with. I need someone I can be spontaneous with. I need someone who still sees the light in my eyes.

I need someone who thinks I’m beautiful, strong, intelligent. I need someone to push me to grow. I need someone to want the best for me. I need someone to experience life with. I need someone who wants to be there, in my life.

I need someone who tries to understand my pain, when I’m in pain. I need someone who tries to see why there are tears in my eyes, when I cry. I need someone who sees the reason behind my laughter, when I’m having a good time. I need someone who sees me, for everything that I am whether that be the mask I wear or the layers beneath. I need someone who loves me as I am but also encourages me to grow.

I need someone who is willing to be a part of something that will enhance growth. I need someone who is willing to listen to me and talk to me, honestly. I need someone who will be patient with me and understanding, and expect the same from me.

I need someone who is willing to get hurt because being here is worth the risk of a heartbreak at the end.

I need someone to make me feel full of life not an empty soul.

Cavity
Why Paytm Bank Is A Cavity In The Wall Of Digital India and Banking?
Farewell, Ole Friend…. – Branching Out

Friendships

Friendships

Sitting in the library during intersession is the most peaceful I’ve found this place. There are barely any students here; not a lot of students stay before/after classes – if they are taking classes in the first place. There is a comfort in the silence that makes it easier to hear my thoughts. There is something about the calmness that soothes my heart.

Chris came earlier today and listened to my ramble on about random things (if you are reading this, I want to say thank you). He came to help me to study but I couldn’t keep my mouth shut and focus on the triple integrals and Stokes’ theorem problems in front of me. My mind was running faster than ever, the panic and nervousness for my calc 3 final fueling my anxiety. I am glad he was able to make me laugh and smile instead of getting engulfed into my own insecurities.

Times like this remind me to be grateful for the meaningful relationships I have with those around me. Not just the people I see on a day-to-day basis but the ones that actually go out of their way to keep a friendship. It’s the ones who will stay up with you until 1am to help you study; it’s the ones who will drive for half an hour to you because you need a ride home; it’s the ones who spend hours trying to do something that will make you smile; it’s the ones who truly are your best friends.

I look around in my life and I recognize these relationships in my life, and just smile. The small texts between us when we are trying to check in after a few weeks of silence. The video calls that always have me smiling and laughing. The phone calls, whether long or short, that make us feel closer and more connected even after times apart. The little things you do for each other in attempt to make their day just a little better. The amazing friendships that don’t need constant connection to stay alive.

I went to grab coffee with an old friend, who I have a complicated history with. We hadn’t talked for months, and during that time it was more small talk than anything. Despite that, we hadn’t talked for almost a year. But when he came and agreed to meet up, we spoke as if the time hadn’t passed in silence. It was like when people say true friendships are the friendships in which you can act like you had spoken the day before even though it’s been years. It was natural. It was fun. It was satisfying. It was normal. It was friendship.

Even though I am not usually surrounded by people – I am usually alone – and I am comfortable in this silence and isolation, I still feel a connection to the people who truly matter. I look around and, even though I may be by myself, but I am never alone. It’s the friendships that reminds me of this that are worth the world.

Hi.

Hi.

I know I deserve better. I know I have the right to expect more. I know better, now.

I know I have a choice of who to let into my life. I know I have a choice of who I keep close and who I let go. I know I have a choice to stay or to walk away.

I know I have a choice because this is my life. I know because I have come to recognize my future as something only I have the power to write. I know because everything I have gone through has lead me to this point and now I understand.

I know I have come a long way from where I used to stand. I used to be confused. I used to wander around aimlessly trying to fight for something that wasn’t worth my breathe. I used to grasp a hold onto something that wasn’t there. I used to play pretend as if that would solve the world’s problems. But, no, it doesn’t.

This is my life and I have to live it, for me. I am the only one who has to deal with the decisions I make, so they better be good ones. I am the only one who has to live the future I plan out now. I am the only one who can do this, for me.

I know I am better than who I was in my past. I know I am better than the pain that aches in my chest. I know I am worth more than some people give me credit for.

I know I’ve made mistakes in the past. I know I’ve really messed up more than just a couple times. I know I had a lot of growing up to do, and that’s what I ended up doing.

I know I deserve better. I know I have the right to ask for better, and if it cannot be provided than I have the choice to either fight for it or let it go. Sometimes ‘it’ doesn’t deserve a fight though. Sometimes ‘it’ is simply better to let it go. And that’s what I did.

I got tired of waiting around for a knight in shinning armor to come around and safe my ass. I got tired of always wanting someone to tell me everything was going to be okay. So I got up and saved my own ass. I got up and did something with my life so I know it will be okay.

I know better now. I know I can do better. I know I can get better.

I am sorry. But, now, I know. I learned. I made a life for myself. I walked away when you decided to leave, one more time. I’m done.

I am sorry because you never got to say the goodbye you wanted to. I am sorry because I will not give you the comfort of hearing the words ‘good’ and ‘bye’ come from my mouth.

I am sorry. I am done.

Despite knowing my writing is an insight to the person I am, despite wanting you to have a deeper understanding of some things that still affect me today, despite wishing for an easier way to express my thoughts, I hesitate to give you the key to my mind. This is, after all, the place where I am the truest version of myself. To connect a simple ‘author’ title to my actual name and the person you can physically see every day, is to have the power over secrets I may still hold.

If you, the person reading this, know who I am beyond the complex screens we call computers, you mean something to me. And whether you still read my posts still to this day, may say something about where I stand with you…or maybe not.

-> To the obnoxious young man who wears a ring on his hand, I’m happy for you as I’ve always been since we had the talk that night. I know you are an amazing father just as you are an incredible husband to a very lucky young woman. I wish you the best wherever life may take you. I hope we stay in touch.

-> To the special young woman who can never bother remembering her classmates’ names, as she refers to each and every one as “that (other) guy”, I hope you never change. As our lives seem to overlap more and more, I look forward to becoming closer to your family. And, no matter what happens, know that I’ll always be here for you.

-> To the strong, independent young almost-graduate who had made the last two years of my high school career easier to live through, you know I would do anything to help you if I could. I wish you the best as you decide which paths you want to walk down as you exit high school. I wish you the best when you have to face telling your family of your decision. Do know I will always be here for you.

-> To the sassy young woman who had been there through my very painful last heartbreak, and who prays for me to be a little more selfish, I miss you. The busy schedules we both have clash way too much and we never get to see each other anymore. But, despite, like you said, we’ll never stop being there for the other. I wish you the best, and I hope we keep in touch even if I move.

-> To my last heartbreak, I hope you’re happy and you’re okay wherever you are in your life right now. You deserve a good Christian girl who shares your passion and can walk through life with you no matter where you go. I hope you started your path to teaching, like you’ve always wanted. I wish you the best as you continue down your journey. Never forget to stop and take a breath.

-> To the awkward young man who I can constantly call up to have some company while studying at school, I really hope you discover what it is that you want to do with your life. I know sometimes ignoring the elephant in the room can lead to a more pleasant lifestyle, but you will have to face the question you hesitate to answer. I wish I could help, but your life is in your hands. Good luck.

How do you get over getting told everything that ever meant anything to you during the past several years was a lie? a facade? fake?

Stupid.

Why did I believe them when they said they were my friends? Why did I trust them when they said they cared? Why did I pour my heart out to them when they hated me?

It doesn’t make sense.

Why stay around someone and pretend to be their friend? Why stick by someone’s side and convince them that you are there for them? Why pretend to be genuine and understanding when you complain about them behind their back?

Stupid.

Why did I believe I had a “family” in the friends? Why did I trust that they would forgive me and let me turn over a new leaf? Why did I expect them to see how much I’ve changed?

Stupid.

Why did I hope for our friendships to last? Why did I dream about future plans when they didn’t want anything to do with me? Why did I believe that we would be okay even though they were holding a dagger to my back?

Stupid.

I know I’ve made mistakes. I know it’s been some time.
I know I’ve angered some people. I know true friendship is hard to find.
I know I’ve ruined things. I know a broken plate can’t be mended with the words ‘I’m sorry’.

But…

I know time has passed. I know I’ve grown up a little more.
I know I’m trying my best to do what’s right. I know I’m doing the best I can.
I know I’ve changed from the past. I know I see in a different light.

I believe someone can change, especially when someone else is there to guide them.

Walk Away???

Walk Away???

I reunited with an old classmate I used to love seeing those mornings for class. Her unapologetically honest comments that were always coated with a hint of sugar, and spice, and everything nice, could always bring a little laughter into my heart that semester. I had come from a broken background and carried a shattered heart seeking to heal in peace, for once, away from everything that created drama and heartbreak. Being in that classroom was always a warm fireplace to sit by.

From that same class, I met a strong young man who seemed to know his way. He would always wake up my heart with his sassy and sarcastic attitude. We would bicker and tease each other, and that kind of friendship was exactly what I needed. I prayed to have him stay in my life, and stay he did. It wasn’t until this past month that he vanished from my weekly schedule. It’s a friendship I wish to rekindle and reconnect with but…

I am slowly getting closer to a friend in one of my current classes. He had a brief existence in my schedule during the last summer, and is in a couple of classes that I will be able to help with. I see a great friendship that has potential to burn brightly even despite our busy lives. There is something about him that makes me smile.

A coworker is in my favorite class, right now. Talking to him is priceless and I wouldn’t trade it for the world, right now. Our conversations can always make me laugh and remember what it is to simply live in the moment. He reminds me to have passion in what I do. He reminds me of my passion that has dimmed from my life during the past year, and reminds me that my fire for such a passion will still burn as brightly as I allow it. I love this friendship and pray for it to remain as strong as it was when it began.

A very old classmate from way back when introduced me to one of his close friends as the girl who “disappeared and no one ever heard from again”. That sure caught some eyes. Being around those two, watching as they goof around and spend their time just playing and having fun, reminded me of the part in life I never really got a grasp of; I could never hold onto this aspect of life for long. There was a phrase that they seemed to live by, and that is “for the hell of it”. As stressed as I have been, that is something I miss so, so much now. But is it worth anything?

A year from now, I’m planning to not be in town. A year from now, all these connections and all these friendships might just burn to the ground. A year from now, I have no clue where I am going to be. So, in the end, I don’t know whether sticking around these people and counting on them for anything in future will be wise for such a fragile heart like my own.

Wake up. Realize There’s More.

Wake up. Realize There’s More.

I’m sick and tired of being played. I’m sick and tired of being tortured, manipulated, used. I’m sick and tired of trying to make something meaningful, and getting bullshit in return.

To the young females and males out there, who know what it’s like and who are trying their uttermost best to change something about the worlds around them for the better:

I salute you. It doesn’t seem it matters how many times our hearts get torn out of our chests and beaten with wood. It doesn’t seem to make a difference how many strangers walk into our lives and turn it upside down. And it doesn’t matter how the world around us tells us to give up, because we all know, deep down in our hearts, that we will never stop fighting for good. Whether that battle be within ourselves, between our minds and hearts, or between those who we are supposed to be standing beside, we will not stop fighting.

But I’m getting tired. I have to admit, I’m getting sick and tired of all the hurt and the pain that comes from hoping for too much too soon and having too much faith in what’s not there.

When I see that there is potential somewhere, sometimes I jump at the opportunity to turn it into something meaningful right off the bat. When I see there is light in someone’s heart, that spark in someone’s eyes, I pray for them to be able to keep that for the rest of eternity. When I feel something, when there’s a moment in life where I wish I could replay it over and over again, I know there is still something surrounding all of us that is more than the everyday worries we all have running through our minds. There’s something more than what jobs we have, how successful we are money wise, or what kinds of opportunities for fame we missed; the friendships we have, the relationships we love, the human connections we live for…that is more than anything and everything that exists in both mind and body.

But…why do we, as a society, raise up the importance of “connections” in the business world and letter grades on courses about knowledge rather than human connections with one another as human beings and all those lovely moments we all wish to relive once again.

On the top of my head I can name a few:

  • The first time he called me ‘baby’ when I was riding in the front seat of his car.
  • The first time I won an art competition with a photograph that completely represented who I was.
  • The times he held my hand as we walked down the street talking and laughing about anything and everything that came to mind.
  • The times he said ‘forever and a day’ because it was a cute catch phrase he had way back when.
  • The times I’d find myself laughing so hard that my stomach hurt and all my friends were laughing just as loud around me.
  • The times my parents and siblings could finally cook a meal together without someone trying to eat another’s ear off.
  • The last time my mom told me she was proud of me, despite my having to ask her first.
  • The last time I simply sat with a friend and told them a bit of who I am and what I’m made of.
  • The last time I felt as if I was home when I was in someone else’s arms.
  • The last time I felt safe just with the presence of someone else I truly trusted.

Those are the moments, those are the things, those are the feelings we should be holding onto…not the trophies we won, not the certificates that just became pieces of paper, not that million dollar toilet painted yellow, not the labels we, as a society, give each other as ‘titles’ of our accomplishments as if the title means more than the knowledge itself.

I’m sick and tired of people laughing at, or joking around about, or teasing someone over how ‘sensitive’ they are to their relationships with those around them. I’m sick and tired of people making relationships sound like “decorations for Christmas” or “a center piece for the table”. It’s not the accessories that we don’t always need…it’s the structure of everything that is our lives and everything that should really mean a damn to you.

The Future is Unknown

The Future is Unknown

I don’t know what you think when you see me walking by. I don’t know what runs through your mind when you hear my name. I don’t know how correct your first impression of me was compared to what you know now.

I don’t know. In fact, I don’t know you…but you don’t know me either.

A lot of the people in my life right now are people who had just walked into my life. Meaning a lot of the people in my life right now weren’t here just a couple months ago. These are the people I do not know; these are those who do not know me.

As much as I want to believe these people will stick around, I know better than to have that kind of hope right now. As much as I want to trust that these people have pure and good intentions, I know better than to make the assumption that everyone I meet has my heart. As much as I want to think nothing is going to go wrong, I know better than to give myself false expectations.

Though…I believe everything happens for a reason. So I will go along with where the wind blows; I will ride the waves to see where they lead; I will play it by ear so I do not miss the game that is supposed to play out. I will give everyone around me a chance, as long as they give me the same chance.

So, that’s what I ask for:

I don’t know what you think of me. I don’t know what you think of when you hear my name. I don’t know what you want from me.

But, if you expect me to give you a fair chance, I will need you to give me one as well.

That’s what I ask for: A fair chance.

Give You A Chance (with My Guard Up)

Give You A Chance (with My Guard Up)

When I first saw you, I felt a pull towards you. There was something about you I had to get to know. There was something in you that beckoned for my presence in your life. There was a part of you that needed a part of me, or the other way around because you never know about these things. But there was definitely a part of you calling out to a part of me. And that is exactly what scared the life out of me.

I know you have only known of my name for a few days. I know we have only talked, small talk, a maximum of ten times. I know you are as clueless about me as I am about you. So let me explain myself:

The last person I felt a pull towards, a connection with, that spark towards, is someone who I cannot imagine anymore. He brought me to some sort of light that I’ve been needing in my life for several years. He brought me to a place within myself where I can heal. He adored me; he respected me; he supported me; he encouraged me; he believed in me; he rooted for me; he tried to understand me; he did his best to be there for me; he showered me with affection; and, most importantly, he loved me and he wanted me to be happy and accept myself.

Right from the start, we both knew we had something different. We had a friendship unlike any other either of us have experienced. We had a strong connection that seemed to know no bounds. We had something different that could only be felt by the two who were in the relationship. We lived what seemed to be a fairytale life, a “happy ever after” kind of story where the bride and broom fight by each other’s sides an unlimited amount of times.

But, and I’m sure you can guess where this is going, our world snapped in two and everything that seemed to be a fairytale shattered like an illusion or a spell that was only waiting to get broken.

That was the last time I let someone get that close. That was the last time I trusted anyone to let them see anywhere even remotely close to 80% of the true me. That was the last time I counted on someone to stick by me. That was the last time I was rooting for someone for the sake of keeping them in my life. That was the last time I can say I let myself called someone “mine”.

And what do you expect? A girl with a broken heart and a hectic life spins around to continue to keep pushing forward and keep fighting for something a little more.

So, when I saw you for the first time and felt that pull towards you, it scared the life out of me. My guard went up. My shields went on. But I couldn’t turn it off. When I turned around and you were there, there was no denying my curiosity.

I didn’t stop myself from trying to start small conversations, as coworkers should, during the times that you stood by my side. I didn’t stop myself from smiling and shaking my head when I felt comfortable being there with you. I didn’t stop myself from asking for your help when I needed help with the heavy weight. I didn’t stop myself from asking the question I knew sat on the tip of your tongue, “Did you want to hang out?” I didn’t stop myself from shrugging off the alarms that went off in my head when you tried getting closer. I didn’t stop myself from smiling in both amusement and sympathy when you tried to shower me with a form of affection you knew how to give. I didn’t stop myself…but, now, I wish I had.

Because the only things that run through my mind when I think about that time when I talked to you are the questions like: DO I act like a spoiled bitch? DO I act like I don’t have any clue how hard life might be for others? DO I act like there are people who “aren’t cool enough” or “aren’t good enough” to be my friend? DO I set myself apart from everyone so much that people see a boundary between my world and theirs? DO I not understand struggle because I did not struggle the way everyone else might’ve been dealing with?

I know I had an easier life than most. I know I don’t know what it is like to struggle the way others have. I know I have yet to take on the responsibilities that others my age might’ve started to deal with by age 15. I know I was protected like a princess trapped in her room that overlooks the city in some tower. I know my life must seem to be where everyone would want to be. I know people look in from the outside and believe I must have it so much better because I have the facade that tells them I’m better than they must be. I know…that much.

What I do not know is this: I don’t know how much about me you think you know. I don’t know how much about my life you think you can read off my clothes or the car I drive. I don’t know what you think about this seemingly rich girl working a part-time job where she gets paid minimum wage when she could be doing other things.

I don’t know what you’ve had to deal with and life with when you were growing up. I don’t know what you’re going through now on a day-to-day basis. I don’t know how confused you might be about the future. I don’t know what your checkered past might consist of. I don’t know what you think of the person you see each day in the mirror.

I also don’t know where I’m going to be in a year. I also don’t know why we have this seemingly unnatural pull towards one another. I also don’t know why a part of you is calling to a part of me. I also don’t know what we are supposed to be in each other’s lives. I also don’t know what we are supposed to do for one another.

I don’t know why we have been placed in the circumstance we see ourselves in. I don’t know why we seem to understand a little bit about each other that feels as if others don’t get. I don’t know…a lot of things, to be simple, maybe I should’ve just said that at the start. But what I do know is that maybe I am willing to give you a chance as long as you give me a chance too.

I don’t know what I can do for you. I don’t know what kinds of things I can show you or teach you. I don’t know what I can prove to you or lead you towards. I don’t know. I also don’t know what you can entertain me with. I don’t know what you can show me or prove to me. I don’t know what you can do for me.

But I might be willing to give this a shot, as long as you give it your all.

Just give me some time. Because, just as you had said you’re scared of getting hurt, I am terrified of letting my guard down and turn my shields off once more.