Wake up. Realize There’s More.

Wake up. Realize There’s More.

I’m sick and tired of being played. I’m sick and tired of being tortured, manipulated, used. I’m sick and tired of trying to make something meaningful, and getting bullshit in return.

To the young females and males out there, who know what it’s like and who are trying their uttermost best to change something about the worlds around them for the better:

I salute you. It doesn’t seem it matters how many times our hearts get torn out of our chests and beaten with wood. It doesn’t seem to make a difference how many strangers walk into our lives and turn it upside down. And it doesn’t matter how the world around us tells us to give up, because we all know, deep down in our hearts, that we will never stop fighting for good. Whether that battle be within ourselves, between our minds and hearts, or between those who we are supposed to be standing beside, we will not stop fighting.

But I’m getting tired. I have to admit, I’m getting sick and tired of all the hurt and the pain that comes from hoping for too much too soon and having too much faith in what’s not there.

When I see that there is potential somewhere, sometimes I jump at the opportunity to turn it into something meaningful right off the bat. When I see there is light in someone’s heart, that spark in someone’s eyes, I pray for them to be able to keep that for the rest of eternity. When I feel something, when there’s a moment in life where I wish I could replay it over and over again, I know there is still something surrounding all of us that is more than the everyday worries we all have running through our minds. There’s something more than what jobs we have, how successful we are money wise, or what kinds of opportunities for fame we missed; the friendships we have, the relationships we love, the human connections we live for…that is more than anything and everything that exists in both mind and body.

But…why do we, as a society, raise up the importance of “connections” in the business world and letter grades on courses about knowledge rather than human connections with one another as human beings and all those lovely moments we all wish to relive once again.

On the top of my head I can name a few:

  • The first time he called me ‘baby’ when I was riding in the front seat of his car.
  • The first time I won an art competition with a photograph that completely represented who I was.
  • The times he held my hand as we walked down the street talking and laughing about anything and everything that came to mind.
  • The times he said ‘forever and a day’ because it was a cute catch phrase he had way back when.
  • The times I’d find myself laughing so hard that my stomach hurt and all my friends were laughing just as loud around me.
  • The times my parents and siblings could finally cook a meal together without someone trying to eat another’s ear off.
  • The last time my mom told me she was proud of me, despite my having to ask her first.
  • The last time I simply sat with a friend and told them a bit of who I am and what I’m made of.
  • The last time I felt as if I was home when I was in someone else’s arms.
  • The last time I felt safe just with the presence of someone else I truly trusted.

Those are the moments, those are the things, those are the feelings we should be holding onto…not the trophies we won, not the certificates that just became pieces of paper, not that million dollar toilet painted yellow, not the labels we, as a society, give each other as ‘titles’ of our accomplishments as if the title means more than the knowledge itself.

I’m sick and tired of people laughing at, or joking around about, or teasing someone over how ‘sensitive’ they are to their relationships with those around them. I’m sick and tired of people making relationships sound like “decorations for Christmas” or “a center piece for the table”. It’s not the accessories that we don’t always need…it’s the structure of everything that is our lives and everything that should really mean a damn to you.

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The Future is Unknown

The Future is Unknown

I don’t know what you think when you see me walking by. I don’t know what runs through your mind when you hear my name. I don’t know how correct your first impression of me was compared to what you know now.

I don’t know. In fact, I don’t know you…but you don’t know me either.

A lot of the people in my life right now are people who had just walked into my life. Meaning a lot of the people in my life right now weren’t here just a couple months ago. These are the people I do not know; these are those who do not know me.

As much as I want to believe these people will stick around, I know better than to have that kind of hope right now. As much as I want to trust that these people have pure and good intentions, I know better than to make the assumption that everyone I meet has my heart. As much as I want to think nothing is going to go wrong, I know better than to give myself false expectations.

Though…I believe everything happens for a reason. So I will go along with where the wind blows; I will ride the waves to see where they lead; I will play it by ear so I do not miss the game that is supposed to play out. I will give everyone around me a chance, as long as they give me the same chance.

So, that’s what I ask for:

I don’t know what you think of me. I don’t know what you think of when you hear my name. I don’t know what you want from me.

But, if you expect me to give you a fair chance, I will need you to give me one as well.

That’s what I ask for: A fair chance.

Give You A Chance (with My Guard Up)

Give You A Chance (with My Guard Up)

When I first saw you, I felt a pull towards you. There was something about you I had to get to know. There was something in you that beckoned for my presence in your life. There was a part of you that needed a part of me, or the other way around because you never know about these things. But there was definitely a part of you calling out to a part of me. And that is exactly what scared the life out of me.

I know you have only known of my name for a few days. I know we have only talked, small talk, a maximum of ten times. I know you are as clueless about me as I am about you. So let me explain myself:

The last person I felt a pull towards, a connection with, that spark towards, is someone who I cannot imagine anymore. He brought me to some sort of light that I’ve been needing in my life for several years. He brought me to a place within myself where I can heal. He adored me; he respected me; he supported me; he encouraged me; he believed in me; he rooted for me; he tried to understand me; he did his best to be there for me; he showered me with affection; and, most importantly, he loved me and he wanted me to be happy and accept myself.

Right from the start, we both knew we had something different. We had a friendship unlike any other either of us have experienced. We had a strong connection that seemed to know no bounds. We had something different that could only be felt by the two who were in the relationship. We lived what seemed to be a fairytale life, a “happy ever after” kind of story where the bride and broom fight by each other’s sides an unlimited amount of times.

But, and I’m sure you can guess where this is going, our world snapped in two and everything that seemed to be a fairytale shattered like an illusion or a spell that was only waiting to get broken.

That was the last time I let someone get that close. That was the last time I trusted anyone to let them see anywhere even remotely close to 80% of the true me. That was the last time I counted on someone to stick by me. That was the last time I was rooting for someone for the sake of keeping them in my life. That was the last time I can say I let myself called someone “mine”.

And what do you expect? A girl with a broken heart and a hectic life spins around to continue to keep pushing forward and keep fighting for something a little more.

So, when I saw you for the first time and felt that pull towards you, it scared the life out of me. My guard went up. My shields went on. But I couldn’t turn it off. When I turned around and you were there, there was no denying my curiosity.

I didn’t stop myself from trying to start small conversations, as coworkers should, during the times that you stood by my side. I didn’t stop myself from smiling and shaking my head when I felt comfortable being there with you. I didn’t stop myself from asking for your help when I needed help with the heavy weight. I didn’t stop myself from asking the question I knew sat on the tip of your tongue, “Did you want to hang out?” I didn’t stop myself from shrugging off the alarms that went off in my head when you tried getting closer. I didn’t stop myself from smiling in both amusement and sympathy when you tried to shower me with a form of affection you knew how to give. I didn’t stop myself…but, now, I wish I had.

Because the only things that run through my mind when I think about that time when I talked to you are the questions like: DO I act like a spoiled bitch? DO I act like I don’t have any clue how hard life might be for others? DO I act like there are people who “aren’t cool enough” or “aren’t good enough” to be my friend? DO I set myself apart from everyone so much that people see a boundary between my world and theirs? DO I not understand struggle because I did not struggle the way everyone else might’ve been dealing with?

I know I had an easier life than most. I know I don’t know what it is like to struggle the way others have. I know I have yet to take on the responsibilities that others my age might’ve started to deal with by age 15. I know I was protected like a princess trapped in her room that overlooks the city in some tower. I know my life must seem to be where everyone would want to be. I know people look in from the outside and believe I must have it so much better because I have the facade that tells them I’m better than they must be. I know…that much.

What I do not know is this: I don’t know how much about me you think you know. I don’t know how much about my life you think you can read off my clothes or the car I drive. I don’t know what you think about this seemingly rich girl working a part-time job where she gets paid minimum wage when she could be doing other things.

I don’t know what you’ve had to deal with and life with when you were growing up. I don’t know what you’re going through now on a day-to-day basis. I don’t know how confused you might be about the future. I don’t know what your checkered past might consist of. I don’t know what you think of the person you see each day in the mirror.

I also don’t know where I’m going to be in a year. I also don’t know why we have this seemingly unnatural pull towards one another. I also don’t know why a part of you is calling to a part of me. I also don’t know what we are supposed to be in each other’s lives. I also don’t know what we are supposed to do for one another.

I don’t know why we have been placed in the circumstance we see ourselves in. I don’t know why we seem to understand a little bit about each other that feels as if others don’t get. I don’t know…a lot of things, to be simple, maybe I should’ve just said that at the start. But what I do know is that maybe I am willing to give you a chance as long as you give me a chance too.

I don’t know what I can do for you. I don’t know what kinds of things I can show you or teach you. I don’t know what I can prove to you or lead you towards. I don’t know. I also don’t know what you can entertain me with. I don’t know what you can show me or prove to me. I don’t know what you can do for me.

But I might be willing to give this a shot, as long as you give it your all.

Just give me some time. Because, just as you had said you’re scared of getting hurt, I am terrified of letting my guard down and turn my shields off once more.

One Generation, Two Different Parts of Life

One Generation, Two Different Parts of Life

Whenever I talked to him, there was this coating of being carefree. Whenever I saw him, he greeted me with a smile as if I could make his day better despite what else was happening. Whenever I laughed with him, it felt as if nothing else mattered but being happy with where I am in life right that second. For the first moments in a what felt like years of endless worry and stress, I felt okay to live in the present without any worry about the rest of my life.

There’s always been something about him that stood out to me. He was driven, unlike many of our classmates, and determined to no certain extent. He was always smiling and conversations flowed as if we had memorized the lines ten thousand years ago. He had always been a little different from the rest of the crowd. I respected him.

Then, I find out he’s been in the military and I couldn’t help but smile. He had held such a position due to his character and his personality. I couldn’t imagine what kinds of stories he had to tell, but I knew each and every single one of them had molded him into the great soldier he is today. I was so proud of him.

Then, that night happened.

He asked to talk to me outside, after class, with a certain tone in his voice I had never heard before. I followed him outside, after lagging slightly, and found this seriousness in his expression I wanted to avoid for as long as I could. We started talking about how beautiful the campus was, lit by the countless number of white lights throughout the area. I couldn’t help myself when the nervous butterflies within made me nauseous with anxiety. I knew my mouth wanted to ramble but I did my best to remain silent.

But when he finally got to the topic he wanted to speak about, I immediately knew where the conversation would go. I heard the words come out of his mouth but didn’t really know how to react. I was facing the father of a little girl, and the husband of a wonderful young woman. I was talking to one of my classmates who had been making such an impact on my life as is. I didn’t want to lose what there was, but I knew there was no way I would take a part of his life.

I remember how he joked around as he asked if I’ll walk away from him because he turned down dinner. I remember how he laughed, a little nervously, as he made sure I was okay with us being friends. I remember the countless of times he asked if I was okay, in general, and made me smile. I remember talking about relationships and how I’ll find someone someday. I remember the hug that left me wanting to still be in his arms because I knew he cared about me. I remember having to brush off how nauseous I was. I remember wanting to stay there the entire night because you could never get sick of how beautiful the campus was. I remember…so much about that night.

The countless times he made me laugh that night, the countless times I saw the smile on his face brighten with the spark of light in his eyes, the countless times I wanted to just hug him and tell him how proud I was of him…

He had taken his life in his own hands. He defied any statistic that said marriage straight out of high school didn’t usually last. He proved to everyone around him that you didn’t need to wait for your thirties to find your “happy ever after”. He showed everyone how perfectly wonderful a world can be if given the right amount of determination and faith, and patience.

I am so, so happy for him.

I see him walk in and out of class. I watch him work hard to understand the materials. I notice how tired he may be but never hear him complain much. I know that the rest of our classmates see him too, but maybe they simply see the part of him that is a student and a peer. I know that he’s not only a wonderful friend, but he’s a great father and husband. I know that he is in that portion of life that the rest of us have always wanted to be. He found love. He made his family. He got there. He made it. They made it. And I can’t be more happy for them.

Someone

Someone

In this period of time where nothing but work and study should be a priority, I find myself yearning for a little bit more time to spend with my friends…to spend writing my heart out…to spend exploring the beauty that surrounds me with my camera in hand……to spend with family.

It’s a headache to have to do nothing but work and study from dawn to dusk and dusk to dawn. It’s exhausting to never really get the human interaction component in your life that you crave so much. It’s petrifying to see yourself become so exhausted and so stressed that you have become pale, have lost any appetite for a meal, or snack, even, and have no longer find sleep comforting.

I know…I know…
I made this choice. It was my call whether I wanted to take the hardest portion of calculus over summer, and take another STEM course, AND work part-time to have any income. I could’ve avoided this if I had just said ‘no’.

But, guess what?
I don’t regret it.

I find myself completely engaged every morning when I go to lecture. I find myself easily smiling and laughing at the side of my classmates during my night lecture and lab. I find myself feeling proud of myself when I check off yet another task from what seems to be an endless to-do-list.

The only thing missing is…
Someone. A close friend.

Someone to tell stories to about my day and about the amazing lecture I just went through. Someone to hear my giggle as I go off about how excited I am for this fall, when I get the honor of learning from these professors even more. Someone to look at me wide-eyed as I tell them about my studying schedule and for me to just laugh back at them because, even though I agree with them on the fact that it sounds like hell, and maybe it is but, I will make it through.

Someone to go to lunch and talk about our plans for the next week, for the next month, for the next semester. Someone to fantasize the future with. Someone to talk about new discovered pet peeves, about new coffee shops, about new friendships, about the “new life” that we find ourselves living. Someone to complain to about how long lecture was or how much studying we always try to avoid but always have to get through. Someone to laugh with, to joke around with, to tease endlessly…to make those beautiful summer memories.

Basically, someone to make all this feel like SUMMER, feel like LIFE.
Because, without all that, without a close friend by my side, in my life, I’m not “living” but I’m simply “getting by”.

Don’t doubt that I’m not so proud of myself for wanting to try this and actually going through with it, despite all my fears, worries, and doubts. Don’t doubt that I wouldn’t go back into time just to do it all over again. Don’t think that I wish for any of this to just “go away”. Because, I don’t.

I know this summer has been hard. I know this month has seemed like it lasted for years and years because of all the stress and pain. I know it’s had its suffering days. I know there were nights that I just couldn’t sleep. I know there were nights that I would wake up with yet another nightmare. I know it hasn’t been the watermelon and strawberries that is summer.

But…it’s my summer…

I’m working hard to achieve a goal. I’m working hard for a future that is still unknown. I’m doing my best to get by with what I have and what I know how to do. I’m doing my best to keep it together and get it all figured out. In the end, I’m doing something with my life. I might not have the time to go shopping, to simply lay in bed and complain about the heat, to spend all my days with friends, or to binge that show on Netflix (not that I haven’t watched a few episodes here and there), but I’m getting shit done.

The only thing I will complain about…and will probably complain about some more after I’ve written this post…is the fact that I haven’t really spoken to anyone in a month. That human interaction that we, as humans, naturally crave? Yeah, that has somehow disappeared from the equation that is my life right now.

That “someone”/ those “someones” are nonexistent right now.
And it’s such a pain to have to chase after people during my busy schedule that is driving me insane.

I’m exhausted. I’m out of energy. I’m drained.
I’m stressed. I’m worried. I’m restless.

I don’t regret this summer…but, like I said, the only thing missing is…

SOMEONE

Dear……

Dear……

It’s been a while since I’ve seen you. You’ve changed a little appearance wise, but I don’t believe your heart has changed at all even.

Even though it’s been almost a year since I paid attention, I can see that your heart hasn’t changed. You’re still the same person. You’re still the same person I thought I loved so so so much. You’re still the same person I feel a connection to. You’re still…you.

I couldn’t believe that you were there when I met you again. I couldn’t believe we were face to face once again. I had remembered the days that I wished, and dreamed, for this to happen. For us to go back to how we were, for things to be okay again, for everything to simply go back to the time before everything felt like hell.

But now that I was facing you and I saw that you were basically the same person still, I knew for sure that I didn’t want you in my life anymore. The cold atmosphere, the mysterious vibe, the nonchalant attitude…everything.

I felt my heart try to reach out to you, help you, heal you, be there for you. But I felt every other part of me pull myself back. My guard went up and I could not get myself to relax when you were around. The amount of pain you put me through, the amount of hurt you made me endure reminded me that I should not let my guard down when it came to you.

As much as I think I want to still be friends and have you as a part of my life, still today, I do not think that would be the wisest decision. I don’t trust you anymore, not the same way I used to. I don’t have faith in you, not like I used to. I don’t believe in you, not in the ways I used to.

I won’t push you away. I do want you in my life, but I have accepted that things will never be the same again. That’s okay. I don’t want things to be the same. I don’t want to relive the amount of hurt and pain I felt with the amount of betrayal and abandonment I felt from your actions. I deserve better than that.

If you had changed, if you had grew up a little, if you had changed a little for the better, maybe there would have been a real chance of us having a healthy relationship as friends. If you wanted a friendship as much as I did, maybe we would have a chance to still remain in each other’s lives in a positive manner.

But things are different and you are the same.

It was odd seeing you again after all this time, to be honest. I thought I would be happy, excited to see you and spend some time with you. But when we came face to face, all I felt was my guard going up and my insecurities telling me I wasn’t safe.

I’m sorry. My heart tries to reach out to you. And I will listen, like I always do. But there is little chance that things will be okay ever again.

Shoved Away

Shoved Away

We’ll discuss this tomorrow.
Can’t this wait?
Remind me later.
Just get back to me. I’m busy.
Can we talk later? I’m not in the mood.
I’m in the middle of something. Later.
This can wait. What I’m doing can’t.
I can’t deal with this right now.
There’s too much going on.
Just wait. I’ll get back to you later.
I’ll talk to you later.
I’m too busy. I’ll see you later.
Later!

Aren’t you sick of hearing that? I am. Later comes hours, and hours becomes days, and days become weeks, and weeks become…never.

“Can I talk to you about something?” I ask, going through a lot and needing someone to be there for me.
“I’m really busy tonight. Maybe tomorrow?” They respond.
“Sure!” I smile, knowing how the busy life schedule is.

The next day comes and goes.
“Hey, can we talk?” I ask, sure they simply forgot or haven’t had the chance to get back to me.
“Another time, ok? I have a lot going on right now.” They respond looking tired.
I nod “Of course” knowing how draining a busy life is.

The next week comes and goes.
“How is everything for you?” I ask not sure whether life has calmed down enough for them to invite me back to be apart of it.
“It’s been great! I was just out with some friends the other day…” They continue to tell me all the great things they’ve been doing during the past several weeks.
“Oh? That’s great!” I’m happy for them because through their tough schedule, they’ve learned how to still have fun. “Can we talk?”
“Right now?” They ask as if I haven’t asked before. “I’m not really in the mood. Sorry. Another time.”
“Ok..”

Weeks come and go and even though we talk, the person always pushes the important topics off to the side only wanting to focus on small-talk and random topics that make life fun.

This happens again, and again, and again. It continues to the point that I simply forget what we needed to talk about after a few months. It never comes up again because I know I’ll just get shrugged off. It’s never important enough for someone to simply stop what they’re doing and focus on it.

But, for me? It goes something like this:

Days and weeks come and go. I have a busy schedule and I do not always have as much time as I would like to spend with friends and just relax. I have a lot on my plate and I understand when people get stressed out with life. But when someone comes to me, I drop everything because I don’t feel as if it’ll happen again. I never want someone to walk away from me feeling ignored or “not important enough” because everyone is important.

“Hey.” A friend texts me one night while I’m trying to catch up on homework and studying I never got around to.
“Hey what’s up?” I immediately respond back.
“Skype?”
“Sure” We talk for hours even though we say we were going to get work done. We end up catching up and I hear about the countless of stories from their adventurous days out. We laugh and revisit memories. We both remember why we’re friends and how we are still friends. We have deep conversations and we have foolish conversations that end up with our stomachs hurting from all the laughing. It’s amazing!
But I never get any work done and I end up even more behind than I was before. Despite, somehow I feel like it’s worth it.

I didn’t push them off, and we ended up remembering why we’re friends and having a great time.
I didn’t tell them I’m too busy for her even though that might’ve been the smarter decision for my part, and we lived in the moment.
I didn’t shrug them off, and they continue to be apart of my life just as I continue to be a part of theirs.

Especially to those who mean so much to me, I resent telling them:
I’m too busy right now. (and never getting back to them during the next week.)
I’m really tired, sorry. (and not contacting them right after I feel a little better.)
I’m dealing with a lot, not now, sorry. (and not seeing what’s up the minute I feel as if I can handle pushing pause on my own life.)
Can we talk later? (and not texting them during the next few days.)

We’ll discuss this tomorrow. (and not contacting them ‘tomorrow’.)
Can’t this wait? (and not going back to it during the next few days.)
Remind me later. (and not confronting the topic during the next time it’s brought up, or simply asking them when I remember myself.)
Just get back to me. I’m busy. (and not contacting them right when I can.)
Can we talk later? I’m not in the mood. (and not talking to them the minute I feel better.)
I’m in the middle of something. Later. (and not hitting them up when I’m finished with the task at hand.)
This can wait. What I’m doing can’t. (and not saying sorry right when I finish.)
Later! (I just don’t like saying this. Ever.)

Later