Walk Away???

Walk Away???

I reunited with an old classmate I used to love seeing those mornings for class. Her unapologetically honest comments that were always coated with a hint of sugar, and spice, and everything nice, could always bring a little laughter into my heart that semester. I had come from a broken background and carried a shattered heart seeking to heal in peace, for once, away from everything that created drama and heartbreak. Being in that classroom was always a warm fireplace to sit by.

From that same class, I met a strong young man who seemed to know his way. He would always wake up my heart with his sassy and sarcastic attitude. We would bicker and tease each other, and that kind of friendship was exactly what I needed. I prayed to have him stay in my life, and stay he did. It wasn’t until this past month that he vanished from my weekly schedule. It’s a friendship I wish to rekindle and reconnect with but…

I am slowly getting closer to a friend in one of my current classes. He had a brief existence in my schedule during the last summer, and is in a couple of classes that I will be able to help with. I see a great friendship that has potential to burn brightly even despite our busy lives. There is something about him that makes me smile.

A coworker is in my favorite class, right now. Talking to him is priceless and I wouldn’t trade it for the world, right now. Our conversations can always make me laugh and remember what it is to simply live in the moment. He reminds me to have passion in what I do. He reminds me of my passion that has dimmed from my life during the past year, and reminds me that my fire for such a passion will still burn as brightly as I allow it. I love this friendship and pray for it to remain as strong as it was when it began.

A very old classmate from way back when introduced me to one of his close friends as the girl who “disappeared and no one ever heard from again”. That sure caught some eyes. Being around those two, watching as they goof around and spend their time just playing and having fun, reminded me of the part in life I never really got a grasp of; I could never hold onto this aspect of life for long. There was a phrase that they seemed to live by, and that is “for the hell of it”. As stressed as I have been, that is something I miss so, so much now. But is it worth anything?

A year from now, I’m planning to not be in town. A year from now, all these connections and all these friendships might just burn to the ground. A year from now, I have no clue where I am going to be. So, in the end, I don’t know whether sticking around these people and counting on them for anything in future will be wise for such a fragile heart like my own.

I Know

I Know

I know you love me. I know you care a lot about me. I know you want to be there for me despite everything that goes on in your own life. I know you want the absolute best for me. I know…you love me.

But there are some things I have to do on my own. There is a path I have to walk independently instead of constantly asking for help. There are some questions only I can produce answers for. I have to do this.

This doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to be a part of your life anymore. This doesn’t mean I don’t care about you anymore. I want the absolute best for you just as you do for me. I want to be able to help you make your dreams come true. I want to be a part of the big parts in your life. I do.

But I have to do this.

I have to take a step back from all my relationships and focus on myself and my own future a little more. I need to plan and analyze what I want to do and where I want to go. But, if anything, I need a break to just be myself and worry about me.

I’ve spent too many years of my life putting everyone before myself. I’ve done it ten too many times, where I neglect myself and my own needs in order to take care of someone else. Even though I mean well and I do my uttermost best to help others, I hurt myself in process. And, now, I realize how much I’ve forced myself to suffer when I could’ve eased some of my pain by just giving myself some of my time and attention.

I still want my friends. I still want my relationships. I still want all those things. I just need to balance out my life a little more right now. There are things I need to take care of; there are things I need to face head on; there are things I need to accept and learn. I have do walk a part of my path alone.

I’m not going to be fighting insanely hard to grasp a hold on the relationships that are falling apart, because that always takes too much of my time and energy for nothing at all. I’m not going to put a million things before my own needs, because I have realized how much I have forced myself to neglect myself by doing that. I’m not going to spread myself incredibly thin to make sure everyone else’s needs are met, because I understand I have my own needs that I keep forgetting too.

I have my own life. I have my own dreams to chase. I have my own problems to face.

I know you want to be there for me and help me through it all, but there are some things I have to do on my own.

I know you love me, so please…hope the best for me.

Just Lost

Just Lost

What do you want me to say? That I don’t know what I’m doing? I don’t know where this all leads?
What do you want me to do? Stop doing anything until I figure out where I want to end? Spend time planning out the little details instead of doing anything at all?

I know I don’t know where I want to be in five, ten, fifteen years. Who does?

Who has it all figured out? Who knows exactly where they’re going to be years from today/ Who? Tell me who and I’ll show you how they are simply doing what every single person is doing: figuring it out as they go.

You might know what you want to be doing in the future. You might be planning for those years ahead of time. You might have a timeline you want to strictly follow. But, the thing is, you never know what’s going to happen.

You will never be able to plan for the outcomes. You will never be able to see the mistakes before they happen. You will never be able to predict the future.

I don’t know what I want to be doing ten years from now. I don’t know where I want to be five years from now. I don’t even know what this summer will be like for me.

All I can say is this: I know what I’m doing right now.

Not in an hour from now. Not tonight. Not this weekend. Not next month.

I know I want to study hard in the courses I’m taking that pertain to a possible destination. I know I want to do my best to keep my friendships strong and close by. I know I want to spend my time living my life as much as I spend it working for the future. I know I want to be happy. I know I want to listen to music and get lost int he lyrics. I know I want to remember to spend time alone and experience myself fully. I know…only, that, much.

Just because I don’t know where I’m going, it doesn’t mean I have to stop doing everything to figure it out. It doesn’t mean I have to write out a plan to follow step by step. It doesn’t mean I am lost or behind from everyone else. Because, in reality, it doesn’t matter how prepared someone seems for the future because NO ONE IS READY, because no one knows what’s going to happen.

Not knowing, is okay.
Being a little lost, is okay.

Friends. Bye? No.

Friends. Bye? No.

I wonder how y’all are doing – at each of the colleges you attend. I wonder what you thought of your first few classes, your first week, your first classmates, your first teachers, your first time getting lost in such a big campus, your first time looking around and seeing a nearly empty campus unlike the one you’d see in high school. I wonder what you’re doing – are you overwhelmed or are your teachers taking it slow? I wonder where you have been going – do you stay on campus, in the library or outside, or head straight home to the comforts of your room?

I don’t speak to many of you. I only speak to one on a regular basis actually and another here and there. Acquaintance relationships have died down and only the closer ones have survived even just the summer before first quarter/semester. It’s a shame but yet I am relieved.

There is no more pretending as if I want to talk to them or hang out because I’m busy with classes and transitioning myself. There is no more acting as if I care about the million of things that go on in their lives. There is no more trying to get along with someone you dread being around but have to because of mutual friends. There is no more high school….that – would you call it drama?

But I wonder how y’all are doing – the group of friends I stuck around, not always being close to every single one of you at the same time, the group of friends who had been there for each other through so many ups and downs that there are too many to count, the group of friends that had always been supportive and encouraging as well as blunt and helpful. I wonder what you think of your campuses. I wonder what you look forward to in whichever classes you had decided to take. I wonder if your sleep has gone down already, stress levels up, and eating habits poor. I wonder if you suddenly changed into the typical college student we’d hear stories about in our high school years.

I want to reach out to you guys – and I do – but there are also that sense of business in my life right now, the determination to focus on school, etc. I will reach out to you – I already have – but I hope that you guys will also reach out to me too without me having to say the first sentence or make the first move.

Staying in touch with you guys is something I want to accomplish. I don’t want our memories to end in high school. I don’t want to look back and realize you are only a memory to me now – or a distant friend. I don’t want the line we always here, “You will forget about all your high school friends when you get into college.” to come true. I don’t want to prove them right years from now because they had always said, “It won’t matter in 2 or 5 years from now.” talking about the relationships we had, the drama we faced, the hardships we helped each other through, etc.

I know we will all be busy with classes and transitioning and finding our own paths in life – our own place in this world – but if this friendship – our relationship – had meant as much as you made it seem then you will reach out to me to try and continue it just as I will do too.



Narrow-minded to more open-minded.
Distant to more open.
Quiet to more talkative.
Cold to more welcoming.

Being able to only see the pain to being able to see happiness.
Being able to only feel hurt to being able to feel at peace.
Being able to only look back to being able to plan for the future.

Defensive to more flexible.
Stubborn to more fluid.
Possessive to more giving.
Protective to more understanding.

Being able to only see the bad in new people to being able to see what could be good in them.
Being able to only question their genuine to being able to understand not everyone is alike.
Being able to only remember the past to understanding that it might not reoccur again.

It’s incredible how pain can alter a person.
It’s incredible how moving on can change a person.

Being able to only hate what happened to knowing how to move on.
Being able to only know what’s broken to realizing the pieces can be picked up again and put back together – or rebuilt anew.
Being able to only trust pain to enjoying happiness.

Summer is Coming

Summer is Coming

Days become longer but seem to past by faster. Summer is here and this is the one year I wish to push the season back ’til next month…or even next year if ever possible. I don’t want summer to be here.

I’ll miss the cold chills of fall and winter. I’ll miss the comfort of spring. I’ll miss the constantly company within the campus walls.

I don’t want goodbyes to come. I don’t want the year to end. I don’t want the separation to start becoming true.

The faces I see down everyday will soon become a memory. The conversations we had, and the ones we never got to have, will soon flow past us with the wind. The moments we cherished and the memories we made will soon become of the past as we move forward with our lives and take what we can into the next chapter, the next pages.

It is unknown what will become of us. It is unknown what will occur even in the near future. There might be excitement and joy, but there might be pain and sorrow.

I do not wish for it to come so early. I never believed this would come so fast. We all knew it would happen despite all odds, but none of us wanted it to show up at our doors…we all wanted this experience to last.

Goodbyes to the campus. Goodbyes to the friends. Goodbyes to the parents and staff who had helped us through all the tough days and helped us keep walking until the end. Goodbyes to the campus. Goodbyes to the treasure.

Goodbye to our old life as we move on down the road to forever.

I’ll miss the place and I do not know when I’ll return. I’ll miss everything I’m leaving behind and hope one day it’ll still be here for me to say…hi. I’ll miss it here…

It changed a part of me. It brought out new parts of me and it buried others. Everything that happened here has molded me into the person I am today. I will never forget all the lessons I learned and all the memories that, in my heart, will stay.

I don’t want to say goodbye but if I must…I will say “until I see you again”. I have hope we will meet, even if we part ways, in the future and restart this life together again. I have faith that everything will be okay.

May 17: South

May 17: South

Where am I to go?

There is a path that stands before me. There are many paths that start from where I am. There are many paths that branched off a little back. Is it too late to go back? Should I walk forward?

You can’t erase the past but you can make it right. That’s what I’ve been told. You can’t take back what had been done but you can fix it to make it correct.

Sometimes anyways…

Was it too late to go back? During the past four years, there are things I am not very proud of. During the past four years, there are things I wish I could take back. During the past four years, there are actions I had taken that still haunt me today.

Is it too late to go back and fix things? Make them “right” again?

For some things, the answer to this question is “yes”. I wish it were not, but it is true. This is how things are. This is what I made happen.

The person who lived through my eyes four years ago isn’t the same person who stares back at me in the mirror today. The person who did all those things had been locked up into the deepest corner of my heart and mind, but she yearns to escape and waits for the day in which she will get her way.

I fear that day. I fear myself, in a way.

I know what I am capable of. I know what I can do, what she can do, what she had done.

And there is no way for me to take back her actions or “make them right”.

From where I stand right now, I look back at the paths I could’ve taken and imagine what I would’ve found among those roads. Things would have been different if I had chosen to walk a different route. I would be different from the person I am now.

But I can’t change that. I can’t walk backwards. I can’t go back south and change my decision to walk this way.

There is a future ahead of me…but darkness is all I see. For the things she had done and the things I can never forgive myself for, I see the future ahead does not consist of a light in the dark.

But I still have hope. Maybe I can’t forgive myself yet, maybe I can’t escape from my past, but I can keep walking forward. I can choose correctly now and do something right.

Maybe…just maybe…I’ll even find that light in the dark.

If I’m patient enough, if I’m strong enough, if I’m worthy enough, I won’t need to go back to my past and change everything that I had done.