My Goodbye, For Now

My Goodbye, For Now

I’ve had this blog since June 2013. Wow, it’s been over five years since I published the first post here. It’s been eight years since I started writing, seven years since I started acknowledging my writing as a part of myself.

But, really, what does it do? You get lost in your own words. You hear your own pathetic thoughts. You listen to the echo of your lost heart trying to swim at bay. What for?

It’s time for me to revert things back to the way things used to be, with me. No longer will have you have an easy sneak peak within me. You want to know me? Figure it out. If anything, you have five years worth of my writing to go off of. But, keep in mind, the past and the present are not the same nor are the past and the future any further apart.

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Hi.

Hi.

I know I deserve better. I know I have the right to expect more. I know better, now.

I know I have a choice of who to let into my life. I know I have a choice of who I keep close and who I let go. I know I have a choice to stay or to walk away.

I know I have a choice because this is my life. I know because I have come to recognize my future as something only I have the power to write. I know because everything I have gone through has lead me to this point and now I understand.

I know I have come a long way from where I used to stand. I used to be confused. I used to wander around aimlessly trying to fight for something that wasn’t worth my breathe. I used to grasp a hold onto something that wasn’t there. I used to play pretend as if that would solve the world’s problems. But, no, it doesn’t.

This is my life and I have to live it, for me. I am the only one who has to deal with the decisions I make, so they better be good ones. I am the only one who has to live the future I plan out now. I am the only one who can do this, for me.

I know I am better than who I was in my past. I know I am better than the pain that aches in my chest. I know I am worth more than some people give me credit for.

I know I’ve made mistakes in the past. I know I’ve really messed up more than just a couple times. I know I had a lot of growing up to do, and that’s what I ended up doing.

I know I deserve better. I know I have the right to ask for better, and if it cannot be provided than I have the choice to either fight for it or let it go. Sometimes ‘it’ doesn’t deserve a fight though. Sometimes ‘it’ is simply better to let it go. And that’s what I did.

I got tired of waiting around for a knight in shinning armor to come around and safe my ass. I got tired of always wanting someone to tell me everything was going to be okay. So I got up and saved my own ass. I got up and did something with my life so I know it will be okay.

I know better now. I know I can do better. I know I can get better.

I am sorry. But, now, I know. I learned. I made a life for myself. I walked away when you decided to leave, one more time. I’m done.

I am sorry because you never got to say the goodbye you wanted to. I am sorry because I will not give you the comfort of hearing the words ‘good’ and ‘bye’ come from my mouth.

I am sorry. I am done.

Finally Home…But Can’t Stay

Finally Home…But Can’t Stay

As I stepped foot on the campus, everything felt at home. After all this was where I was meant to be. It’s just a shame I couldn’t stay.

 

I walked down the familiar path. Surrounded with familiar sights and familiar sounds, it was perfect. As I opened the door to the room I had spent most my time in, I couldn’t bare leaving. The room was the same. The desks, the boards, the cabinets, even the books and teacher were all the same. I was finally standing in the exact same room in which the passion I have for photography was discovered, and the love for writing increasingly grew. So many memories ran through my mind, but in the end, I had to leave.

 

Walking back down that familiar path, my eyes met with another that I had not known fairly well, but knew quite well enough. I slightly smiled to greet him; he smiled at the sight of me but neither of us paused to say hello. When only a couple feet stood between myself and the car, an old friend gave me a hug asking where I have been. But again, neither of us paused long enough to say anything much. She wasn’t anyone I had really been fond of, but the feeling of letting her go felt like I was letting go of everything I had there. But it didn’t matter how I felt since, in the end, I had to leave.

 

It had seemed to get colder and colder as I made my way to the car. The sights of it pulling away and drive down the street made my heart break. I couldn’t bare seeing myself leave that place. But even though that was true, I couldn’t bring myself to close my eyes at the sight. It wasn’t every day that I got to see that place, step onto the campus or drive down the road. I couldn’t close my eyes because I didn’t know when I could see these things again and wasn’t willing to take the chance of giving my last one up.

 

I will dearly miss the place, forever yearning to return home.

 

This won’t be “goodbye”. I will come back another time.