The Good in The Bad

The Good in The Bad

The past couple weeks haven’t been the best. You can tell by my last few blogs on here about that numbing silence or the yearn to scream and to be told my friend is there for me. I can’t tell you that I’ve felt better, but I can say things are a lot easier.

I try not to think about it anymore. I try to occupy my time. I do my best to not stay in bed for days at a time. Let’s be honest. I let myself dwell in buckets full of my emotions way too much and way too long. But that’s how I am.

And during this time, one friend reminding me that I am genuinely cared for has pushed me to go the distance.

Let me explain how our friendship has turned out:

At first, I could talk to him for a couple hours at least twice a week. Random topics. Us being two weirdos. Just having a laugh and forgetting some of the stresses of the world. I knew I had a good feeling about this friendship for a reason; I knew I had a good feeling about him for a reason.

After a while, he went back to his normal habits of texting and we both got busier so we would talk less, see each other less. I’m the kind of person who can’t stand forgetting to respond to someone. It’s up there right next to not being able to stand seeing little red spots all over my screen, yelling at me for not checking something. He’s different.

Now, I get maybe one text once a week from him and I respond with one (while spamming him every now and then when I see a cool photo on Instagram, or need someone to rant to). Our “one text”s are long, though. They’re paragraphs just because of how many things I rant about throughout the week (I need to stop doing that. Sometimes it just feels better to be able to rant to someone despite getting a response because, honestly there sometimes isn’t a response to be given).

I saw him for maybe five minutes the other day between my jobs. He asked if I was feeling better. And it wasn’t like when normal people ask if you’re okay and you kinda already know they’re just asking to say they asked. I can always see it in his eyes that he genuinely wants to know and he genuinely cares. And that made my day, because it also made me realize that I am feeling better. Maybe it’s not perfect yet but I’m feeling a little better. That’s something!

You guys, it’s the little things!

Like the other day, when I was stressed over my head and my brain felt like it was going to burst into a million pieces, I went to my dad and told him; I went to my mom and talked about how stressed I am. And, guess what, even though they didn’t know how to help or what words to say to make it better, they listened. My mom tried to give me some pointers; she rubbed my back and told me it was going to be okay. And that meant the world to me.

Even when the world seems to be working against us, we really do need to remember and cherish these small moments that mean the world.

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Bookstore’s Time

Bookstore’s Time

The hello’s, the goodnight’s, the smiles, the gestures…all of it means more than you might think. In a world where I cannot decipher whether friendliness means geniality or hints at a facade that will one day be torn, the smallest things become irreplaceably priceless.

The day starts with “Good morning” and “How are you today?” along with a bright smile from my boss, despite how behind we might be in our tasks. Then “good morning” and “What can I help you with?” comes from almost every coworker who comes walking into the store. I hear stories about their weekend, their weeks, their classes…their lives. We complain together and we laugh together; we are weird together and we make time pass faster together; we get the job done and we make sure each task is done right; we are in there through thick and thin by each other’s sides.

Despite the chaotic first week of classes, one of the two weeks that are called “RUSH”, there are still little moments that catch my heart. At the register, I feel like I am talking nonstop as I try to get everyone in and out as fast as possible without forgetting anything along the way. I barely leave myself time to get a drink of water or just take a deep breath of air because…why would I? There is always so much to get done.

But within all of that, a couple of my coworkers had become closer friends. Seeing their smiles, hearing their laughter, and their voices as we go about our day makes a long shift that much easier to handle. Even when I’m in the middle of helping someone, they purposefully stop by to say ‘hi’ when they arrive for their shift. Even when they’re in the middle of helping someone, they pause to help me get through a transaction I am not familiar with due to the fact that I started a lot later than them. Even when we all are waiting to get out and head home to the comfort of our homes and our beds, we stay around a little after closing to check up on each other and say our ‘goodbye’s. It makes the long day with everyone worthwhile.

Having those friendships, being in that environment, is unlike anything else I have experienced. These coworkers are students around my own age, with different experiences, who are so helpful and willing to give a helping hand.

It doesn’t matter how crazy it gets; it doesn’t matter how chaotic everything seems to be; the energy in that store when it gets busy is almost the best thing ever.

Priceless

Long Time No See, Sweetie

Long Time No See, Sweetie

It’s been a while since I’ve heard from you. It’s been a while since we talked for so long. It’s been a while since I’ve smiled from your words or laughed from your personality. I’ve missed it.

For a while now, I admit, I haven’t missed you…but I’ve missed that feeling – the feeling I get when it’s so natural talking to you; the feeling I get when you bring a smile to my face; the feeling I get when I look forward to your reply; the feeling I get when you laugh at what I say. I’ve missed being able to be comfortable with someone, because it seems I’m guarded with everyone but you.

It’s funny how you still are the excluded one even after all that you’ve put me through.

I still will cherish this friendship. I still will cherish your time. I still will cherish how much you care about me and the efforts you put in me as time passes by.

I will still appreciate the connection we have. I will still help you here and there when I can. I will still feel proud of you and encourage you for the better. I will still want to make you happy.

Things have changed but…maybe, hopefully, our friendship will survive even to later years.

I wonder how you’ve been during the past so months. I wonder how things are at home with your cousin and your father. I wonder how things are with classes – how your professors are and how you’re transitioning to school. I wonder how your relationships have been with everyone. I wonder how your physical health is. I wonder how you’ve been emotionally too.

Despite all, I know you’ll get through. Sometimes I wish I could be there for you but I know you will be okay and I have faith in you. Despite all, I hope you’ve grown a bit more. I hope you’ve found something better in life.

I hope you’ve surpassed the past.

BookStore Boy

BookStore Boy

Shit. I should’ve brought water for medicine.

I rushed out of the room and down the stairs, heading out of the library. I fumbled with my bag, trying to get my wallet out while walking, after I noticed I only had a little bit of time before my next class. Damnit….why did I do this today?

Walking into the bookstore, I took into my surroundings and shyly walked around a young man in order to see where the bottled water was. After grabbing a bottle, I waited to the side and noticed a lady was waiting next to me already. I let her proceed first, fidgeting with the bottle as I got nervous about being late for the discussion. The cashier looked at me and probably saw how nervous I was. A young girl soon replaced the lady who was standing next to me and went before me – even thought it was clear that I had been there first.

When I went up to the cashier, he smiled and we went through the motions.

“Is this all?”

“Yes, thank you.”

“That will be….”

I pulled out the cash and handed it to him, still uncomfortably restless.

“How do you think you did on the test?” He suddenly asked.

“What? What test?” I looked up at him surprised.

Maybe he thought it was slightly amusing how I reacted and asked, “Aren’t you in my —- class?”

“This morning?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh yeah!” I said, probably too loudly, “Yeah, I think I did okay. What about you?”

The conversation continued briefly, distracting me from how close my next class was. It gave me the short amount of time I needed to let my body relax a bit. I felt weight come off my shoulders and smiled.

I walked out of the bookstore feeling a lot better. This young man, who I had never spoke to before, took initiative and talked to me. He also calmed me and…made my day, whether he knew it or not.

-Cheers, to the little things, to the young man who brought a smile on my face on a very stressful day.

Welcome Back…

Welcome Back…

I know it’s been a while since we’ve talked.
I know a lot has changed – on my side of the story anyway.
I know it’s time to focus on the future more than what’s happening right now.
I know we’ll both just get busier and busier.

I know it’s wary to say I still “feel at home” when talking to you.
I know it’s wary to say you’re still the easiest person to talk to…and most enjoyable at times.
I know it’s wary to say I am realizing the empty place you left in my life has been filled since you’ve come back.
I know it’s wary to say there are some things that cannot be duplicated in a relationship with someone else that I have with you.

But…

I know I will never trust you the same, if I can come trust you at all after everything you put me through.
I know I will never forget everything that happened for it had scarred me for life.
I know I will never be able to go back to how things were and feel like that again.
I know I will never be that little girl who trusted, who believed, who thought her fairytale would never end.

I know I am still trying to heal as I push the pain to the side.
I know I am still trying to accept and move forward from the scar you had left behind.
I know I am still trying to go through my life and find strength to be alright.
Because I know…I am still trying to push past the scar that continues to haunt me day in and day out.

But…

I know you bring a smile to my face as I am able to talk freely with you since…I always have my guard up uncomfortably high with nearly everyone else.
I know you make me feel better when you listen to my struggles and rants since…no one else will listen or puts up with my problems.
I know you give me a sense of well-being because I know you accept me for who I am since…everyone else seems to always be pointing out flaws and pushing me to change, not liking anything about who I truly am.

……what do I say?

I know I’m stressed out with everything that is going on in my life right now.
I know I don’t have much of an escape route, any outlet of any sort.
I know I’m dealing with a lot right now, physically and mentally, and feel overwhelmed some of the times.
I know I have a lot of pressure, a lot of expectations, a lot of…everything, that sometimes I just want to scream.

So, I know I might be too glad that you’re back in my life.
I know I might be too happy that I have someone to talk to who will accept me, listen to me, and be there for me…even if that person is you.
I know I might be too grateful for the little that you go because of everything I’m dealing with, everything that life’s putting me through.

I know I’m welcoming you back with open arms even though I might want to consider being more wary.
I know I’m becoming too excited about talking to you even though I might want to keep my distance.
I know I’m jumping in too far too fast even though I might want to not think of it as anything yet.
I know I’m starting to believe in you again too quick even though I might want to not trust anything right now.

But…

Welcome back. 🙂

Mistake (n.)

Mistake (n.)

I used to love you with all my heart. I used to love you to a point where it was too much for my own good. I used to put you over everything else. And that was my mistake.

Mistake (n.) – an action or judgment that is misguided or wrong

I remember pushing things aside to make room for you in my day just so I could possibly, just maybe, make your day a little better. I remember taking on your duties and offering to help a lot more than I normally would just so I could lighten your load. I remember lying about my own circumstances and situations in order to brush off my own problems and issues just so you didn’t have to worry about more. I remember going crazy worrying for you, about you. I remember doing so much for you. I remember overthinking many nights and problems because of you. I remember doing things I wouldn’t have done if not for you. I remember pushing myself, my own limits, for your sake. And that was my mistake.

I pretended to be okay and pushed myself to go through the day even with everything I had been dealing with, mentally and physically, in hopes that it would make it easier for you to focus on your work and your day. I pretended that I could do it all in hopes that I could take the weight off your shoulders. I pretended to be fine with some things in hopes that it would make you happy. And that was my mistake.

I asked for you to be there when I needed you. I asked for you to help me through my pains. I asked for you to listen and support me when I needed it. I asked for you to give me your time and heart…because that was what I thought you would want to give me. After all, you had said you loved me most. And that was my mistake.

I loved you too much. I gave you too much.

I still love you, but not as much. I would still give you my time and attention, but I wouldn’t prioritize you too the top as much. I would still be willing to help, but not as much. I would still want to be there for you, but not as much. I would still give, but not as much. I wouldn’t want to lose myself again and, instead of looking for me, look towards you. That was my mistake.

Things have changed since the last time we spoke. I won’t make that mistake again, with you or anyone else. Not again.

Mistake

Friends. Bye? No.

Friends. Bye? No.

I wonder how y’all are doing – at each of the colleges you attend. I wonder what you thought of your first few classes, your first week, your first classmates, your first teachers, your first time getting lost in such a big campus, your first time looking around and seeing a nearly empty campus unlike the one you’d see in high school. I wonder what you’re doing – are you overwhelmed or are your teachers taking it slow? I wonder where you have been going – do you stay on campus, in the library or outside, or head straight home to the comforts of your room?

I don’t speak to many of you. I only speak to one on a regular basis actually and another here and there. Acquaintance relationships have died down and only the closer ones have survived even just the summer before first quarter/semester. It’s a shame but yet I am relieved.

There is no more pretending as if I want to talk to them or hang out because I’m busy with classes and transitioning myself. There is no more acting as if I care about the million of things that go on in their lives. There is no more trying to get along with someone you dread being around but have to because of mutual friends. There is no more high school….that – would you call it drama?

But I wonder how y’all are doing – the group of friends I stuck around, not always being close to every single one of you at the same time, the group of friends who had been there for each other through so many ups and downs that there are too many to count, the group of friends that had always been supportive and encouraging as well as blunt and helpful. I wonder what you think of your campuses. I wonder what you look forward to in whichever classes you had decided to take. I wonder if your sleep has gone down already, stress levels up, and eating habits poor. I wonder if you suddenly changed into the typical college student we’d hear stories about in our high school years.

I want to reach out to you guys – and I do – but there are also that sense of business in my life right now, the determination to focus on school, etc. I will reach out to you – I already have – but I hope that you guys will also reach out to me too without me having to say the first sentence or make the first move.

Staying in touch with you guys is something I want to accomplish. I don’t want our memories to end in high school. I don’t want to look back and realize you are only a memory to me now – or a distant friend. I don’t want the line we always here, “You will forget about all your high school friends when you get into college.” to come true. I don’t want to prove them right years from now because they had always said, “It won’t matter in 2 or 5 years from now.” talking about the relationships we had, the drama we faced, the hardships we helped each other through, etc.

I know we will all be busy with classes and transitioning and finding our own paths in life – our own place in this world – but if this friendship – our relationship – had meant as much as you made it seem then you will reach out to me to try and continue it just as I will do too.