Friends. Bye? No.

Friends. Bye? No.

I wonder how y’all are doing – at each of the colleges you attend. I wonder what you thought of your first few classes, your first week, your first classmates, your first teachers, your first time getting lost in such a big campus, your first time looking around and seeing a nearly empty campus unlike the one you’d see in high school. I wonder what you’re doing – are you overwhelmed or are your teachers taking it slow? I wonder where you have been going – do you stay on campus, in the library or outside, or head straight home to the comforts of your room?

I don’t speak to many of you. I only speak to one on a regular basis actually and another here and there. Acquaintance relationships have died down and only the closer ones have survived even just the summer before first quarter/semester. It’s a shame but yet I am relieved.

There is no more pretending as if I want to talk to them or hang out because I’m busy with classes and transitioning myself. There is no more acting as if I care about the million of things that go on in their lives. There is no more trying to get along with someone you dread being around but have to because of mutual friends. There is no more high school….that – would you call it drama?

But I wonder how y’all are doing – the group of friends I stuck around, not always being close to every single one of you at the same time, the group of friends who had been there for each other through so many ups and downs that there are too many to count, the group of friends that had always been supportive and encouraging as well as blunt and helpful. I wonder what you think of your campuses. I wonder what you look forward to in whichever classes you had decided to take. I wonder if your sleep has gone down already, stress levels up, and eating habits poor. I wonder if you suddenly changed into the typical college student we’d hear stories about in our high school years.

I want to reach out to you guys – and I do – but there are also that sense of business in my life right now, the determination to focus on school, etc. I will reach out to you – I already have – but I hope that you guys will also reach out to me too without me having to say the first sentence or make the first move.

Staying in touch with you guys is something I want to accomplish. I don’t want our memories to end in high school. I don’t want to look back and realize you are only a memory to me now – or a distant friend. I don’t want the line we always here, “You will forget about all your high school friends when you get into college.” to come true. I don’t want to prove them right years from now because they had always said, “It won’t matter in 2 or 5 years from now.” talking about the relationships we had, the drama we faced, the hardships we helped each other through, etc.

I know we will all be busy with classes and transitioning and finding our own paths in life – our own place in this world – but if this friendship – our relationship – had meant as much as you made it seem then you will reach out to me to try and continue it just as I will do too.

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Changed

Changed

Narrow-minded to more open-minded.
Distant to more open.
Quiet to more talkative.
Cold to more welcoming.

Being able to only see the pain to being able to see happiness.
Being able to only feel hurt to being able to feel at peace.
Being able to only look back to being able to plan for the future.

Defensive to more flexible.
Stubborn to more fluid.
Possessive to more giving.
Protective to more understanding.

Being able to only see the bad in new people to being able to see what could be good in them.
Being able to only question their genuine to being able to understand not everyone is alike.
Being able to only remember the past to understanding that it might not reoccur again.

It’s incredible how pain can alter a person.
It’s incredible how moving on can change a person.

Being able to only hate what happened to knowing how to move on.
Being able to only know what’s broken to realizing the pieces can be picked up again and put back together – or rebuilt anew.
Being able to only trust pain to enjoying happiness.

Friends

Friends

Looking back to when I heard the saying “the friends you meet in college are the friends for life”, I had always thought I was fortunate enough to meet my “friends for life” in high school. I thought we were an unstoppable, unbreakable team; we had gone through so much together, grew up together, and bonded over so much. But I might’ve been wrong.

I’ve met these friends. They’re these incredible three people. One knows me and understands me like no other, another has gone through thick and thin with me, and the last had been there through everything.

My first friend:
He was the first person I met who understood some things no one else would get. He was the first person who listened to me like he did, cared for me, took care of me. The way we watched over each other, the way we connected and bonded, the way we joked around and enjoyed life with each other. I will never forget the late night phone calls that consisted of both hours of joking around and hours of deep conversation. I will never forget the days we escaped from life, from the drama around us, from everything. I will never forget those deep brown eyes, that smile. I will never forget him. I will be waiting for him to come back to me.

My second friend:
She was the first friend who was close to me that was a girl. It wasn’t because I was sexist, but I just got along with the boys better. She was one of the only close girl friends I had. She always wished to help me and tried her best to whenever she could. She respected me unconditionally. She believed in me. The way we talked, the way we went to each other for things, the way we got along. I will never forget the conversations we had. I will never forget those worried eyes that looked up to me. I will never forget how we “mother”ed each other. I will never forget her. I will be looking forward to going back to her when I’m more okay, when I’ve found myself.

My third friend:
He was the first friend who put more effort into me when I was in a dark time. He was the first friend who had gone through so much with me and yet still is by my side. The way we weren’t afraid to say the truth to each other, the way we talked and got along, the way we fought. I will never forget all the drama we went through. I will never forget how much pain we went through. I will never forget all the things that were said and promises that were kept. I will never forget all the weird conversations and the random topics. I will be looking forward to hearing from him later on.

We might drift apart now. We might stop being friends for a while. We might not talk for some time. But I know we’ll come back together no matter what. But I know we’ll be okay later on. But I know we’ll always have each other.

May 2: Music

May 2: Music

The familiar notes of the piano, the soothing beats of the drums, the strumming of the guitar…music.

When I want my space, I turn on something loud. The volume gets turned up and everything around me gets covered up by the songs played. When I want my space, I don’t even want to hear my thoughts sometimes.

When I want help sleeping, I turn on something soothing and calming. The volume gets softened and it feels like I got sucked into my happy place. When I want help sleeping, I go to the piano and guitar instrumentals.

I drown out my thoughts, the ones I don’t want to hear. I drown out the yelling, the voices that always scream. I drown out everything around me, the things that just take and hurt.

When I want to be left alone, I turn on something, anything. I focus in on the lyrics, the beat, the music. There’s a language within the notes themselves that never go unnoticed. It helps me get into a zone.

Music is everywhere. Music can be for nearly everything. Music.

Music

Friend. Family? More. Less?

Friend. Family? More. Less?

Conversations start to die down. Time spent togethers gets less and less. Effort put into it…seems to dry out.

I wish I could go back to the time where I knew for a fact that we would be okay no matter what. I believed I would always have you there for me, by my side…through it all. I trusted you unlike any other. But, of course, everything changed.

I am scarred by betrayal. I need to heal from the hurt. But I push it off, wanting to know we would be okay in the end. Will we?

Part of me has confidence in us still. Part of me believes that even if we drift apart now, we’ll come back together stronger than ever. Part of me thinks we’ll be okay and our promises will be kept.

The other half of me has its doubts. The other half of me is scared of letting us go right now. The other half of me does not have faith; it has grown weak and does not wish to put our friendship to chance.

Every part of me wishes we would be okay again. Every part of me wishes you to come back to me. Every part of me wishes…for my friend back.

But I need to grow. I feel the past holding me back. I hope you will come with me into my future. I hope you will one day, if not now, be a big part of my life once again. I hope, one day, we’ll be okay.

I have faith in us. This is what I meant all those times. I have faith that, no matter what, we’ll be okay in the end.

I’ll Look Back

I’ll Look Back

New Year’s Day. Two thousand sixteen.

I’ll look back to our memories and just…remember.

Remember our first moment in class, that look in your eyes. Remember your shyness when you wanted to hold my hand for the very first time. Remember our first kiss, and how you flipped that coin. Remember our first date, and all those times you played our song.

Remember our late night phone calls, neither of us wanting to leave. Remember our endless conversations, going from ‘good morning’ to ‘goodnight‘ and ‘sweet dreams‘. Remember all the times you hugged me, neither of us wanting to let go. Remember our talks and laughing, wishing that time would freeze or at least go a little slow.

I know that I will look back and remember you.

I’m looking back right now. I’m looking back at all these posts about you. I’m looking back and know I don’t regret anything at all.

I know we’ll make more memories. I know not much will change. I know we’ll continue to care for each other, as we did from the very first day. I know…we’ll be okay. We’re us. We’ll be okay.

What Else Could I Ask For?….A lot.

What Else Could I Ask For?….A lot.

There’s so many things around me that I should be grateful for, things that would be considered priceless in someone else’s eyes; yet when you grow up with all these wonderful things around you, it makes everything seem just that much more worthless. You see the children these days, from the one-year-olds to the ones who are only twelve or thirteen, with all this new equipment and technology around them and we, as the older folk, didn’t even know about a few decades ago. They put up tantrums for the littlest things, from the right candy or the new app that’s coming out, not even knowing how much they have before asking someone else to give up something for their happiness.

This is the new generation. The generation that technology has built up to this day. How much technology has advanced is a wonderful thing, but to grow up around all this might be another. Will the children of today ever learn to appreciate what they have before they become the adults of tomorrow and the most scared generation ever known?