April 28: Solitude

April 28: Solitude

The silence around me, the emptiness, and the calmness of every thing in being alone calms me yet is sometimes dangerous to me. Sometimes the experience is torturous – being trapped in silence, in an empty room, with nothing but myself and my dark thoughts – but other times it recharges my energy and allows me to recollect myself from the harshness of life.

When I am alone, I am allowed to do anything I please. I am given the opportunity to deal with a lot of things that I would not be able to when I am around company. There are times that being along makes me more productive, calm, and at ease. In solitude, I do not have to worry about keeping someone else company, someone else’s needs, or what someone else would think of me. In a way, being along comes with a certain feeling of being free.

When I am around people, with most people, I have my guard up. I am observative to make sure everyone’s needs are being met. I study people and watch others. I worry more about what it is that I am doing and how that gets seen by those around me. I almost lose my ability to relax completely due to the fact that I constantly have eyes on me. Sometimes this is a good thing – like when I am slipping into the dark side – but other times it feels suffocating.

That is when I wish to be alone, when I feel suffocated around others. But being alone, to me, can also be very dangerous if I am in the wrong state of mind. Like I said before, the experience could be torturous if I am to be trapped in silence, in am empty room, by myself with nothing but my dark thoughts. That is when I start to slip. The silence amplifies my dark thoughts and causes me to give in to the negative emotions of sadness, doubt, fear, and frustration. Sometimes it amplifies enough to the point of hatred, panic, and life-threatening depression.

Being alone, just like a lot of other things, has its benefits and its harms. There has to be a balance of both.