Break Through

Break Through

She can’t avoid admitting she’s slipping back into the darkness, but her heart knows it’s a little bit more complex than that. Her mind wonders, her heart seeks to find…something, someone, she will never know until it is found. Maybe it’s someone to care, maybe it’s someone to repair her, maybe it’s…simply a piece of her she had thought she had lost forever.

She knows she needs to look not around but deep inside her for the answers she yearns for. The longer she stays in the empty woods, the more piercing the cold wind seems to be. The little blows at the leaves scar her flesh; the gushes of wind knock the air out of her lungs; the heavy downpour completely disables her. She spends more time trying to recover, more time trying to survive the brutal cuts, more time trying to remain sane than attempting to bathe in the sunlight that shines above the clouds.

She looks up, through the frost and the mist, through the thick leaves and little creatures, through the rain clouds that storm onward, and she prays. She asks, what is the point in all of this because she has yet to understand. She has yet to read the book of knowledge and learn the truth.

She has yet to break through from the flames as the warrior she has always been.

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Wake up. Realize There’s More.

Wake up. Realize There’s More.

I’m sick and tired of being played. I’m sick and tired of being tortured, manipulated, used. I’m sick and tired of trying to make something meaningful, and getting bullshit in return.

To the young females and males out there, who know what it’s like and who are trying their uttermost best to change something about the worlds around them for the better:

I salute you. It doesn’t seem it matters how many times our hearts get torn out of our chests and beaten with wood. It doesn’t seem to make a difference how many strangers walk into our lives and turn it upside down. And it doesn’t matter how the world around us tells us to give up, because we all know, deep down in our hearts, that we will never stop fighting for good. Whether that battle be within ourselves, between our minds and hearts, or between those who we are supposed to be standing beside, we will not stop fighting.

But I’m getting tired. I have to admit, I’m getting sick and tired of all the hurt and the pain that comes from hoping for too much too soon and having too much faith in what’s not there.

When I see that there is potential somewhere, sometimes I jump at the opportunity to turn it into something meaningful right off the bat. When I see there is light in someone’s heart, that spark in someone’s eyes, I pray for them to be able to keep that for the rest of eternity. When I feel something, when there’s a moment in life where I wish I could replay it over and over again, I know there is still something surrounding all of us that is more than the everyday worries we all have running through our minds. There’s something more than what jobs we have, how successful we are money wise, or what kinds of opportunities for fame we missed; the friendships we have, the relationships we love, the human connections we live for…that is more than anything and everything that exists in both mind and body.

But…why do we, as a society, raise up the importance of “connections” in the business world and letter grades on courses about knowledge rather than human connections with one another as human beings and all those lovely moments we all wish to relive once again.

On the top of my head I can name a few:

  • The first time he called me ‘baby’ when I was riding in the front seat of his car.
  • The first time I won an art competition with a photograph that completely represented who I was.
  • The times he held my hand as we walked down the street talking and laughing about anything and everything that came to mind.
  • The times he said ‘forever and a day’ because it was a cute catch phrase he had way back when.
  • The times I’d find myself laughing so hard that my stomach hurt and all my friends were laughing just as loud around me.
  • The times my parents and siblings could finally cook a meal together without someone trying to eat another’s ear off.
  • The last time my mom told me she was proud of me, despite my having to ask her first.
  • The last time I simply sat with a friend and told them a bit of who I am and what I’m made of.
  • The last time I felt as if I was home when I was in someone else’s arms.
  • The last time I felt safe just with the presence of someone else I truly trusted.

Those are the moments, those are the things, those are the feelings we should be holding onto…not the trophies we won, not the certificates that just became pieces of paper, not that million dollar toilet painted yellow, not the labels we, as a society, give each other as ‘titles’ of our accomplishments as if the title means more than the knowledge itself.

I’m sick and tired of people laughing at, or joking around about, or teasing someone over how ‘sensitive’ they are to their relationships with those around them. I’m sick and tired of people making relationships sound like “decorations for Christmas” or “a center piece for the table”. It’s not the accessories that we don’t always need…it’s the structure of everything that is our lives and everything that should really mean a damn to you.

Open Your Eyes 145

Open Your Eyes 145

I remember when I first started blogging. I didn’t know what to write, I just knew I wanted to write. I’ve been writing for years, and years. It was how I expressed myself, besides photography. I love sitting at my laptop and watching my finger fly over the keyboard and these little symbols (letters) pop up and create a story, a journey.

When I started my blog (I don’t know how many years ago), I wanted to be heard. I wanted to talk about stuff that’s relatable. Something.

Then I came across this blog:  Random Ramblings

And it was like something clicked. These posts about daily life’s struggles. These posts about someone who was going through life just as cluelessly as I was. These posts that had deeper meaning even without being all philosophical. I was astonished.

I started writing about my life, my past, my ideas….me.

I wrote about things that happened in my life, things that mattered to me, things that meant something to me, and hoped that someone else would see things in my perspective as well and understand where I was coming from. I hoped to get followers. I hoped to get likes. I wanted to know I was being heard.

But now?

I write. I blog. I rant. I vent. I tell stories. I imagine ideas. I write.

Despite whether I get likes or the number of followers on my blog increases, I know my words are out there. I know my ideas are out in the open. I, myself, am getting heard.

And that’s all that matters. I wanted to be heard. I am.

Long Time No See, Sweetie

Long Time No See, Sweetie

It’s been a while since I’ve heard from you. It’s been a while since we talked for so long. It’s been a while since I’ve smiled from your words or laughed from your personality. I’ve missed it.

For a while now, I admit, I haven’t missed you…but I’ve missed that feeling – the feeling I get when it’s so natural talking to you; the feeling I get when you bring a smile to my face; the feeling I get when I look forward to your reply; the feeling I get when you laugh at what I say. I’ve missed being able to be comfortable with someone, because it seems I’m guarded with everyone but you.

It’s funny how you still are the excluded one even after all that you’ve put me through.

I still will cherish this friendship. I still will cherish your time. I still will cherish how much you care about me and the efforts you put in me as time passes by.

I will still appreciate the connection we have. I will still help you here and there when I can. I will still feel proud of you and encourage you for the better. I will still want to make you happy.

Things have changed but…maybe, hopefully, our friendship will survive even to later years.

I wonder how you’ve been during the past so months. I wonder how things are at home with your cousin and your father. I wonder how things are with classes – how your professors are and how you’re transitioning to school. I wonder how your relationships have been with everyone. I wonder how your physical health is. I wonder how you’ve been emotionally too.

Despite all, I know you’ll get through. Sometimes I wish I could be there for you but I know you will be okay and I have faith in you. Despite all, I hope you’ve grown a bit more. I hope you’ve found something better in life.

I hope you’ve surpassed the past.

BookStore Boy

BookStore Boy

Shit. I should’ve brought water for medicine.

I rushed out of the room and down the stairs, heading out of the library. I fumbled with my bag, trying to get my wallet out while walking, after I noticed I only had a little bit of time before my next class. Damnit….why did I do this today?

Walking into the bookstore, I took into my surroundings and shyly walked around a young man in order to see where the bottled water was. After grabbing a bottle, I waited to the side and noticed a lady was waiting next to me already. I let her proceed first, fidgeting with the bottle as I got nervous about being late for the discussion. The cashier looked at me and probably saw how nervous I was. A young girl soon replaced the lady who was standing next to me and went before me – even thought it was clear that I had been there first.

When I went up to the cashier, he smiled and we went through the motions.

“Is this all?”

“Yes, thank you.”

“That will be….”

I pulled out the cash and handed it to him, still uncomfortably restless.

“How do you think you did on the test?” He suddenly asked.

“What? What test?” I looked up at him surprised.

Maybe he thought it was slightly amusing how I reacted and asked, “Aren’t you in my —- class?”

“This morning?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh yeah!” I said, probably too loudly, “Yeah, I think I did okay. What about you?”

The conversation continued briefly, distracting me from how close my next class was. It gave me the short amount of time I needed to let my body relax a bit. I felt weight come off my shoulders and smiled.

I walked out of the bookstore feeling a lot better. This young man, who I had never spoke to before, took initiative and talked to me. He also calmed me and…made my day, whether he knew it or not.

-Cheers, to the little things, to the young man who brought a smile on my face on a very stressful day.

Welcome Back…

Welcome Back…

I know it’s been a while since we’ve talked.
I know a lot has changed – on my side of the story anyway.
I know it’s time to focus on the future more than what’s happening right now.
I know we’ll both just get busier and busier.

I know it’s wary to say I still “feel at home” when talking to you.
I know it’s wary to say you’re still the easiest person to talk to…and most enjoyable at times.
I know it’s wary to say I am realizing the empty place you left in my life has been filled since you’ve come back.
I know it’s wary to say there are some things that cannot be duplicated in a relationship with someone else that I have with you.

But…

I know I will never trust you the same, if I can come trust you at all after everything you put me through.
I know I will never forget everything that happened for it had scarred me for life.
I know I will never be able to go back to how things were and feel like that again.
I know I will never be that little girl who trusted, who believed, who thought her fairytale would never end.

I know I am still trying to heal as I push the pain to the side.
I know I am still trying to accept and move forward from the scar you had left behind.
I know I am still trying to go through my life and find strength to be alright.
Because I know…I am still trying to push past the scar that continues to haunt me day in and day out.

But…

I know you bring a smile to my face as I am able to talk freely with you since…I always have my guard up uncomfortably high with nearly everyone else.
I know you make me feel better when you listen to my struggles and rants since…no one else will listen or puts up with my problems.
I know you give me a sense of well-being because I know you accept me for who I am since…everyone else seems to always be pointing out flaws and pushing me to change, not liking anything about who I truly am.

……what do I say?

I know I’m stressed out with everything that is going on in my life right now.
I know I don’t have much of an escape route, any outlet of any sort.
I know I’m dealing with a lot right now, physically and mentally, and feel overwhelmed some of the times.
I know I have a lot of pressure, a lot of expectations, a lot of…everything, that sometimes I just want to scream.

So, I know I might be too glad that you’re back in my life.
I know I might be too happy that I have someone to talk to who will accept me, listen to me, and be there for me…even if that person is you.
I know I might be too grateful for the little that you go because of everything I’m dealing with, everything that life’s putting me through.

I know I’m welcoming you back with open arms even though I might want to consider being more wary.
I know I’m becoming too excited about talking to you even though I might want to keep my distance.
I know I’m jumping in too far too fast even though I might want to not think of it as anything yet.
I know I’m starting to believe in you again too quick even though I might want to not trust anything right now.

But…

Welcome back. 🙂

Friends. Bye? No.

Friends. Bye? No.

I wonder how y’all are doing – at each of the colleges you attend. I wonder what you thought of your first few classes, your first week, your first classmates, your first teachers, your first time getting lost in such a big campus, your first time looking around and seeing a nearly empty campus unlike the one you’d see in high school. I wonder what you’re doing – are you overwhelmed or are your teachers taking it slow? I wonder where you have been going – do you stay on campus, in the library or outside, or head straight home to the comforts of your room?

I don’t speak to many of you. I only speak to one on a regular basis actually and another here and there. Acquaintance relationships have died down and only the closer ones have survived even just the summer before first quarter/semester. It’s a shame but yet I am relieved.

There is no more pretending as if I want to talk to them or hang out because I’m busy with classes and transitioning myself. There is no more acting as if I care about the million of things that go on in their lives. There is no more trying to get along with someone you dread being around but have to because of mutual friends. There is no more high school….that – would you call it drama?

But I wonder how y’all are doing – the group of friends I stuck around, not always being close to every single one of you at the same time, the group of friends who had been there for each other through so many ups and downs that there are too many to count, the group of friends that had always been supportive and encouraging as well as blunt and helpful. I wonder what you think of your campuses. I wonder what you look forward to in whichever classes you had decided to take. I wonder if your sleep has gone down already, stress levels up, and eating habits poor. I wonder if you suddenly changed into the typical college student we’d hear stories about in our high school years.

I want to reach out to you guys – and I do – but there are also that sense of business in my life right now, the determination to focus on school, etc. I will reach out to you – I already have – but I hope that you guys will also reach out to me too without me having to say the first sentence or make the first move.

Staying in touch with you guys is something I want to accomplish. I don’t want our memories to end in high school. I don’t want to look back and realize you are only a memory to me now – or a distant friend. I don’t want the line we always here, “You will forget about all your high school friends when you get into college.” to come true. I don’t want to prove them right years from now because they had always said, “It won’t matter in 2 or 5 years from now.” talking about the relationships we had, the drama we faced, the hardships we helped each other through, etc.

I know we will all be busy with classes and transitioning and finding our own paths in life – our own place in this world – but if this friendship – our relationship – had meant as much as you made it seem then you will reach out to me to try and continue it just as I will do too.