My mind is numb. A part of me is silent.

My stare is blank. A part of me is gone.

But they know, there’s so much more than what meets the eye.

Inkling

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Tenfold

Tenfold

I spent the past two hours working on some last assignments for this past semester. I spent the past two hours shoving my screams down the drain, struggling to just feel comfortable in the silence – despite the music blaring in my ears.

But the second I finished, the second the distraction went away, everything came back tenfold.

I couldn’t breathe for a while. I could feel the world spinning around me with everything frozen in time. I could see him standing in front of me, my back against the trunk of a tree. I could feel his hands on my body. I couldn’t scream.

For once, I wish I couldn’t write. I wish I didn’t have all these confusing emotions flooding through me. I wish I didn’t have….this feeling anymore!

I want to go to sleep so I didn’t have to deal with this feeling. But even if I sleep, it won’t go away.

I want to go away.

Silent Screams

Silent Screams

You know what sucks? Wanting to sleep so you don’t feel the pain anymore but finding yourself living more horrors through nightmares you can’t wake up from. I couldn’t wake up.

A close friend hopes that I stop beating myself up over what happened. I had begun to tell him what happened, hoping for someone to tell me it was going to be okay. I’m grateful for him; I will never be able to thank him enough. He told me, over and over, trying to get it through my mind, that it doesn’t matter what people say or how much I beat myself up because it wasn’t my fault. He held me as I sobbed. My entire body was probably shaking. For once, I felt strong to be crying. I needed it so badly that I wasn’t scared to cry. I wasn’t scared that time because I believed he’d hold me together and give me time. When I calmed, he got me on my feet and pulled me into his arms. The warmth soothed my heart. He reassured me again and again that I was safe now. And, in his arms, I believed him.

But when I went to sleep in attempt to run away from my thoughts, somehow they still played in my sleep, in the back of my mind. I couldn’t wake to stop them. I couldn’t shake them out of my mind.

He wanted to fight off the demons in my mind with love. He wanted to shield me from the pain. But I don’t think he ever thought I’d wake up in the mornings with a scream in my throat but no voice to be found.

You Can’t See Me

You Can’t See Me

When you see someone in pain, it’s like looking at a silhouette of them. You see the outline; you see a brief summary of them. You see the outside; you don’t recognize the inside…you can’t.

Sometimes the silhouette still presents the subject’s facial features. Sometimes it still shows everything that is to be seen on the inside. Sometimes the silhouette is black though. Sometimes it is not even a correct representation of everything that’s truly there – the pain, the heartache.

You can’t possibly know what’s going through their mind. You can’t possible understand what they’re going through.

All you see, if even, is the cover that masks the pain and their screams.

All you see when you look at me, if you see anything honest at all, is the exhaustion from the pain. All you see, if you’re looking at all, is a girl who wishes she could disappear.

Silhouette

Reality Hits

Reality Hits

Being productive was supposed to be today’s number one priority. I look at the notebook where I had started my notes for the first out of six essays I was planning to read; only the title is written, not a single note written down. I look at the clock and it’s already three. When did the day go by?

Yesterday night, I was planning to wake up early to help my dad paint the new office. Mom refused to let me go because I should study. I was trapped at home.

A few minutes after my dad left, my mom went somewhere too. My sister had been the first to leave for her class this morning. I was left at home.

For hours I blasted my music, trying to silence the thoughts running through my head. After feeling nothing but emptiness and pain for hours, numbness became the only thing I could process.

I want to scream but I’m mentally exhausted.
I want to be productive but my boring reading is the last thing I want to do.
I want to be creative but nothing flows through my head.
I want to do SOMETHING but I also just want to stay in bed.

I went to my mom and explained to her that I hadn’t done anything all day. She laughed. I felt like a failure and a joke. I wanted to cry. I’ve had so many meltdowns in the past couple days.

I want to reach out but no one seems to hear a sound.

I understand that they’re in a lot of pain. The lost was in their family, but still in my life.
I get that I should be strong for them and be there for them. But I wonder if they even realize I am screaming inside.

Trapped. In pain. Nowhere to hide. I’m broken inside.

Static

Hurt.

Hurt.

The phrase “…emotionally unavailable…” always raises red flags, from those who have learned better. The minute where you feel as if you can never get a hold of the person who means the most to you is the minute you question whether they are as devoted to you as you are in them. The second you realize you are feeling as if you are grasping your hands at something that’s not there is the second you recognize that the pain you feel burying deep into your chest is a pain you are in control of.

A lot of us know this feeling, this situation where we are hopelessly trying to hold onto something that’s not there. But not many of us know what it is to be on the other side of this ‘red flag’ a lot of us continuously walk away from. I mean, it’s not as openly discussed as being the one who can’t get into someone’s heart.

We’ve been taught from either friends or family to walk away from someone who doesn’t seem to give you enough or isn’t willing to be as vulnerably emotionally as we deem necessary for a relationship. We’ve been constantly told to walk away from the person who is in such pain that they have closed themselves off from their surroundings in attempt to keep their heart safe from the pain multiplying once again. We’ve been…possibly, taught wrong.

Everyone has felt pain. Everyone has pushed someone away because of that pain. Everyone has walked away from something that created pain for them.

Everyone has wanted someone to break down the walls they’ve built around themselves in attempt the shield their hearts from the cold wind. Everyone has broken down in someone else’s arms and feeling a kind of relief as the other person held them. Everyone has isolated themselves to wait and see who cares enough to come after them and be with them.

But when it comes to seeing someone else in that light, we have been taught to walk away because “they couldn’t possibly be everything we need and want them to be” or some bullshit like that. But guess what? We’re all going to be in that stage in life at least once in our lifetime, whether it be short or long, whether we have been there already or not. We will be, once again, the person in pain who never wants to feel broken again. We will be, for some time, the person who is simply seeking another who will care enough to break down the walls and come hold us, telling us everything will be alright because we have them by our side.

We will be THAT person. So why are we being taught to walk away from THAT person if THAT person will be us, one day or another? We’re being taught to walk away from ourselves. We’re being taught to ignore our own pain. We’re being taught that trying to protect ourselves is wrong. We’re being taught that trying to be a little selfish is wrong.

You know what’s “wrong”? Hurting someone so much that they feel like they have to lock their heart in a cage. Overlooking someone’s pain so much that they think their emotions don’t matter. Walking away from someone so often that they believe they will never be worth someone else’s time. Not giving someone a chance just because they’re in pain.

So “…emotionally unavailable…” should be “…in so much freaking pain…”

The Future is Unknown

The Future is Unknown

I don’t know what you think when you see me walking by. I don’t know what runs through your mind when you hear my name. I don’t know how correct your first impression of me was compared to what you know now.

I don’t know. In fact, I don’t know you…but you don’t know me either.

A lot of the people in my life right now are people who had just walked into my life. Meaning a lot of the people in my life right now weren’t here just a couple months ago. These are the people I do not know; these are those who do not know me.

As much as I want to believe these people will stick around, I know better than to have that kind of hope right now. As much as I want to trust that these people have pure and good intentions, I know better than to make the assumption that everyone I meet has my heart. As much as I want to think nothing is going to go wrong, I know better than to give myself false expectations.

Though…I believe everything happens for a reason. So I will go along with where the wind blows; I will ride the waves to see where they lead; I will play it by ear so I do not miss the game that is supposed to play out. I will give everyone around me a chance, as long as they give me the same chance.

So, that’s what I ask for:

I don’t know what you think of me. I don’t know what you think of when you hear my name. I don’t know what you want from me.

But, if you expect me to give you a fair chance, I will need you to give me one as well.

That’s what I ask for: A fair chance.