The Future is Unknown

The Future is Unknown

I don’t know what you think when you see me walking by. I don’t know what runs through your mind when you hear my name. I don’t know how correct your first impression of me was compared to what you know now.

I don’t know. In fact, I don’t know you…but you don’t know me either.

A lot of the people in my life right now are people who had just walked into my life. Meaning a lot of the people in my life right now weren’t here just a couple months ago. These are the people I do not know; these are those who do not know me.

As much as I want to believe these people will stick around, I know better than to have that kind of hope right now. As much as I want to trust that these people have pure and good intentions, I know better than to make the assumption that everyone I meet has my heart. As much as I want to think nothing is going to go wrong, I know better than to give myself false expectations.

Though…I believe everything happens for a reason. So I will go along with where the wind blows; I will ride the waves to see where they lead; I will play it by ear so I do not miss the game that is supposed to play out. I will give everyone around me a chance, as long as they give me the same chance.

So, that’s what I ask for:

I don’t know what you think of me. I don’t know what you think of when you hear my name. I don’t know what you want from me.

But, if you expect me to give you a fair chance, I will need you to give me one as well.

That’s what I ask for: A fair chance.

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Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Close your eyes. Calm down. Feel that pulse of your heart. Remember that you’re still alive. Breathe in. Breathe out. Calm your mind.

The emptiness clouds your senses and the millions of thoughts buzz through your silent mind. You told yourself you wouldn’t turn off your emotions but, one day, automatically, they were turned off after a shocking wave of feelings engulfed your whole mind and body.

After how ever long you survived by ignoring the pain and pushing past the hurt, everything is catching up to you and you don’t know what to do. Lost in a jumble of emotions and a train wreck of thoughts, you breathe. Confused with both pain of the present and the hurt of the past, you simply try to breathe.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Remember you’re strength. Keep a calm mind. Breathe in. Breathe out.

You aren’t in this fight alone. You aren’t the only one struggling through their days. You aren’t the only one in several billion who have no sense of accomplishment even after years and years of achievements. You aren’t the only one who looks in the mirror and sees a stranger.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Remember who you are. Remember who’s in your heart. Breathe in. Breathe out.

She walks through life nearly emotionless, because that’s the way she’s been taught since before grade-school. She puts on a smile and goes through the motions but nearly nothing truly touches her heart, because she was taught to never allow it. She looks around her life, her days, as if they aren’t hers but still acts like everything is okay, because she doesn’t know any better.

She says everything is okay, because she doesn’t know what’s right from wrong. She says everything is manageable, because she thinks that’s what’s expected of her. She says this and that and the words do flow, but her mind and her heart aren’t in the sentences that go:

I’m fine.
I’m okay.
I can do this.
It’s alright.
I’m used to it, so it’s all good.
Whatever happens, whatever goes.
It doesn’t really mean much.
It’s okay.
It’s fine.

But as things get harder, it’s harder to fake. As things come in big crashing waves, it’s hard to avoid feeling the pain. As things come faster than the speed of light, it’s impossible to know what’s coming your way.

She never wanted to admit she was depressed. She never wanted to admit she was struggling. She never wanted to admit that eating was sometimes impossibly hard for her. She never wanted to admit that she was wrong in saying everything was all right. She never wanted to say those words that would disappoint and make her seem like a failure. She never wanted to…but, in the end, maybe she has to.

She can’t hide from her nightmares through denial. She can’t erase the scars on her body through denial. She can’t relapse on her memories and make everything okay again by pretending the hurtful images never scarred. She can’t.

But she still tries.
She still wants to say that she will get better, one day at a time, without doing anything differently. She still wants to say that she is strong enough to get by without anyone’s acknowledgment or help and guidance. She still wants to walk through life as if she controls the world even though she feels as overlooked and invisible as an ant.

But, maybe one day she’ll get there.
She’ll get to the point that she can reach out for help without feeling weak. She’ll get to the point that she can break down without feeling pathetic. She’ll get to the point that she can tell the truth instead of hiding behind lies without having the urge to run and hide.

Maybe.

Denial

No. Just. No.

No. Just. No.

I’m sick and tired.

I’m sick of always checking my phone to see if any of my friends wants to talk or check in or even bother asking how everything is in my life. I’m tired of feeling left out and forgotten, or bluntly being ignored when I know I could be using my time and energy much better and much more productively.

I’m fed up with trying to check in on my friends and seeing how their lives are when they don’t even attempt to talk to me. Yeah I get people are busy, I get there is always something to do with how hectic classes get, but I can make time for you…why can you make time for me? for once.

For once I want to feel like I’m not chasing after someone who doesn’t want to be caught. I want to feel like I don’t have to put 200% of my energy in some relationship that I don’t even get 10% back. I don’t deserve to be tenth place when you’re one of my first priorities. I don’t deserve to be last place just because I got busy for a month because I was out of the country for family issues. I don’t deserve this from people I thought would treat me a little better.

I’m tired of asking for a spot in someone’s life. I’m tired of fighting for a spot, fighting for someone’s time. I’m sick and tired of all of this!

I have classes. I have work. I have my family duties. I have chores. I have a pet to take care of. I have stuff to get done. I’m done chasing people around during my busy schedule when they don’t even bother putting aside five minutes to talk to me, to see how things are, to catch me up on their lives, etc.

I’m tired of feeling envious whenever I see photos of my friends all together, happily smiling at the camera as if they’re having the best time of their lives. I’m tired of wanting to have that kind of friendship with someone, some group, when I see posts about how groups of friends have stuck by each other’s side through every up and down for the past I-don’t-know-how-many years. (Yeah, I’ve moved around a lot. I haven’t had the same friends for x number of years. That’s my life. I’ve grown up basically alone.)

I’m also done with feeling as if I’m alone in this world, or as if that’s a bad thing. I don’t want to care so much about whether I have a boyfriend or not. I don’t want to care so much whether I have a friend to walk to class with or get me coffee in the morning. Being single isn’t a bad thing. Being alone doesn’t make you weird.

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