Destiny?

Destiny?

You insist that everything should come naturally, that if you have to “work” at something maybe it’s not meant to be. I totally disagree.

Whether you’re talking about the relationships we have in our lives or the career path we wish to take down the road, your perception has blurred your sight of reality.

My good friend is working her ass off towards a new career path. She is struggling and she is swimming frantically through the pool of sharks that is the roadblocks in her way, but she isn’t giving up. And that’s the most important part here. Success isn’t easy. Having that fairytale dream life you wanted ever since you were nine years old is nearly an impossible task. But if you’re going to tell me that you’re so scared to fail that the amount of work you need to put into your life makes you want to walk away, then walk away.

If you’re talking about the relationships we have in our lives, then you really need to wake up. One relationship with one friend has the potential to give you a headache, but also has the potential to give you everything you need. Yes, your schedules are going to clash. You both have your separate lives. You both are working hard towards your goals. You have to understand that time isn’t for free. But it’s the friendships that you work on that are the ones that turn out priceless. You have to be understanding. You have to be patient. And if you aren’t willing to do that for a good friend, then walk away.

You insist that things that are meant to be don’t need work? Wake up.

I don’t care what kind of prodigy you are; I don’t care what you have up your sleeves that make everything work for you; I don’t care what you think is written in the stars. If you aren’t willing to work hard in order to get what you want, then walk away.

If something means enough to you, it should not matter how much work you have to put into it to survive. If something means enough to you, you wouldn’t complain about the work you have to put in. If something means enough to you, you will work towards it; you will work towards your dreams.

And if you’re just wasting your time with something for the mere existence of something in your life, then walk away.

Don’t stand in front of the exit with a foot out the door. Don’t stand in front of that person and waste their time if you are not willing to treat them with the care and respect they deserve. Don’t insist that you are always right when, in reality, you need to wake up and realize how wrong you are.

Not everything is “written in the stars” but that doesn’t mean you can’t write it in yourself.

Insist

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Study…Study…Study some more…

Study…Study…Study some more…

Everyone wants to be successful in life. Everyone wants to end up happy in this lifetime.

I say, study.

It’s not as simple as studying your school textbooks thoroughly. It’s not just focusing on the information that will be on the project, quiz, or exam.

It goes deeper than researching about topics that interest you. It goes beyond talking about ideas and concepts with others.

…study the colors the sky creates each morning and night that takes people’s breath away
…notice how the wrinkles and creases on your mother’s face shine in the sunlight
…experience the emotions that coarse through your body in every waking moment
…yearn to see the reasons why someone’s passion can see within their shinning or dark eyes

…learn the ways the ones you love sees the life around you differently
…study the impacts of crucial events, as well as small event, throughout your lifetime
…notice how the silence in the room might be more meaningful than the constant chatter at a college party
…yearn to be different and express how your perspective of life is different from the others around you

…notice how the light hits the glass and creates a mural on the ground before your feet
…experience all the little things in life to their fullest potential because, once you look back, you’ll soon realize that the small things were actually really big
…study about the environment around you and about all the changes society is making to the world
…present the best version of yourself and admire people’s reactions and comments

It’s more than just studying the textbooks we pay too much for or finishing the assignments (sometimes at 3am the night before it’s due). It’s more than finding someone who you bond with very well. It’s more than simply getting out of your own mind.

It’s learning about the world around you. It’s studying the little things that turn out to be huge in the end. It’s experiencing everything to its fullest potential.

Study

Swim. Don’t Drown.

Swim. Don’t Drown.

“The shark that doesn’t swim drowns.”
“Akula, kotorya Ne plavayet, Ne tonet.”

It’s been four years since I started to get questions about my future career. It’s been four years of pressure to get into a field that has a good payment, and a good reputation. And, honestly, I hadn’t gotten anywhere until a few months ago.

Since the beginning, I felt as if I was always facing a white canvas not knowing what the heck to do about it. I looked out into the world through a broken glass, unsure where to go next that won’t backfire. But, instead in the mist of asking others what they think I would be good at, I had forgotten to ask myself where I want to be in life. And, for that, I stood still for those years.

I didn’t venture out to see what opportunities I could have. With all the questions and the pressures to go into one field versus any of the others, I simply closed up in a shell where all I saw was darkness. I didn’t think I could live up to be what my parents wanted me to be. I didn’t believe I could do anything that would be worth of them bragging about me. Most importantly, I didn’t believe there would be a place for me to stand in the world when I grew up.

I started to lose parts of myself I was always defined by. I began to loose sight of what I had always wanted to do in life: be happy while making a difference. I started believing the words people yelled my way that told me I wasn’t worthy of the traits I held close to heart, or that they weren’t good enough in order to give me a good reputation. All the words, all the comments, all the pressures from everyone around me did the opposite of encouragement.

It wasn’t until I got away from what others had to say. I started going to school more; I ditched the old study room in which I felt trapped and trading it for a clean library desk where I felt impossibly free. I went back to my roots; I started picking up the pieces of myself I knew were worthy despite what anyone else had to say. I began exploring my options and talking to people who didn’t have a biased opinion that pressured me to walk down any certain path. I started swimming.

In my eyes, it wasn’t until then that I truly felt like myself. Before, it was always about reputation; it was always about how others perceived us to be. There was never any room for me to grow on my own because the person I was supposed to grow up to be was already molded and framed in my parents’ mind. I couldn’t learn from my own mistakes, because everything had always been planned out and simply told to me to execute. I wasn’t being me, no, I wasn’t being human; I was simply a robot.

Now, a year since I’ve turned away from being cooped up in a cage and a few months since I uncovered a part of myself I knew was always there, I feel whole. I feel independent; I can take care of myself and I can get through by myself. I feel like I have a chance at everything the world has to offer as long as I go out there and achieve the best I can. I look into the mirror and, though I might not have everything figured out, I can see the girl I was always meant to be.

I’m finally working towards the future, my future. And I couldn’t be more proud.

What Am I Doing?

What Am I Doing?

I laugh at myself sometimes. Sometimes I can’t help but ask myself, “What the hell are you doing with yourself?” Because sometimes, even though I know better, I retrace my steps within the new circumstances I’m facing.

I know better than to let someone this close to me. I know I get emotionally attached a little too easily and always end up getting hurt. But it seems like the more I walk down the same path and end up hurt, the more I don’t care about getting hurt. I know I’ll survive and I know I’ll recover from whatever trauma I might experience. But I also know that if I don’t take the chance and take a leap of faith when meeting someone new, I know there is the possibility of them making a hug difference in my life that I would be throwing away.

I know better than to get pulled back into the past. I know reminiscing will only make me yearn to relive the blissful moments just one more time. I know looking back at all the mistakes I’ve made will only make me regret them more and hold myself accountable yet again as if I hadn’t already hated myself one too many times. I know remembering all the hurtful comments will only make my brain keep them on a broken record that keeps running through my mind. I know allowing myself to feel all of that again will only hurt me even more.

I know better than to get distracted from my studies and let my guard down. I know that the more lean way I give myself to get my work done, the more I won’t want to get anything done. I know that the more time I give myself to work on my hobbies, the more I won’t want to stop working on the things that have become a second nature to me. I know that the more time I spend relaxing and letting my guard down, the more I will miss it when I’m in a tense environment. But the more I let myself live happily and the more I let myself be who I truly am, the more I get reminded that’s the true way to live despite what my life is.

I know I am independent and strong on my own. I know I can go through my days without someone needing to remind me of what to do, but I still ask him to remind me here and there when I can. I know I do perfectly fine without telling someone about my plans, but I still find some peace in letting him know what’s going down. I know I can deal with my life on my own, but I still find it soothing to know someone cares enough to get updated. I know I’ve gone through almost the entirety of my life without someone checking in on me, but I still find it so comforting when he asks me how I’m doing and genuinely cares to know. I know I am perfectly fine with being independent but the more I find reassurance in his presence and support, the more I find me telling myself that being a little dependent on him is okay.

I know turning off my emotions will only harm me in the future. I know I should deal with the emotions as they come, but I always find myself pushing them into a mental box when they come as intensely as they do. I know I will break one day when I’ve shoved too many emotions into the already-full bottle, but I always find myself going back to my old ways. I know I’ll pay in the future for the countless times I’ve used this defensive mechanism, but I have yet to learn better. I know I still haven’t learned how to deal with my emotions because of this, but I still haven’t found enough courage and support to start learning now.

I know better! …yet I don’t at the same time.

Trace