Broken…But Okay

Broken…But Okay

I grew up with parents who were always more worried about reputation than anything. They grew up in a way in which gave them fear of the outside world beyond the limitations of their understanding. They didn’t know much better than to do anything they needed to survive. They wanted a better life for me and my sister. They wanted, more than anything, to be capable to provide us with everything we needed in life. But they never realized, the money wasn’t what we needed.

I grew up not being able to talk to anyone about my emotions. I was taught to shove all my emotions, both good and bad, down a drain that was supposed to lead into a block hole that took everything away. I was told to never trust those around me. I was showed and taught that family were the last people you should trust in this world. But, still, a part of me refused to believe everything I was taught. Sometimes, I wish I listened whole-heartedly.

I grew up believing I was a broken toy instead of a gift to the world. I was told no boy would want a girl with scars. I was told I was never ‘pretty’ with the scars that provided me a healthier life. I was told I’d never be good enough, by the one person who is supposed to love you to most. Not only did that leave scars in my skin but scars upon my heart.

I grew up not knowing who I was. But even though I spent every day trying to hide myself from the world, I know my heart has always recognized my soul.

I grew up knowing I was what people called “broken” in ways even I didn’t know. But, you know what, that doesn’t make me any less deserving; it doesn’t make me unlovable; it doesn’t make me any less capable.

I know life will constantly have peaks and valleys. There will be the ups and downs that bring us to where we are supposed to be. I know I will face tornados and tsunamis of hurt. I know I will experience life’s dream as well as life’s nightmare. I know that will never change, no matter how much I wish it to disappear. That is just who I am. And I have to accept that.

Broken

Advertisements
Your Potential Future

Your Potential Future

Things are settling down, but the tension remains strong. The happy moments are there, but you can’t ignore the storm. Everything you wanted, everything you wished for is there for you to grab but remember that sometimes you have to walk away from the things you once had.

Life is all about the constant trades we make. Trading your time gaming for some more time studying. Trading your free moments with friends for the comforts of home. Trade your shaky relationship for a new potential in your life. Trade this city for the next set of unread stories. Trade one passion for another raging, burning fire. Trade the toxic familiarity for a brand new start towards something new. Trade an old habit for a new learned skill. Trade the old life for one that can become everything you ever dreamed.

It’ll be hard to let go. Once we’re comfortable, we usually don’t want to leave that behind. But when you look around you and can’t help but feel burdened and tired, maybe it’s time to learn.

Our futures are composed of infinite roads and paths we have the choice to take. Whether you believe that our lives are mapped out by destiny or written with the pen that lays in the palm of our hands, the decisions we take today lead us one step closer to where we will ultimately end up. It doesn’t matter if you turn left or right, turn around to history or dream of the future, you will arrive to a place in your life that you couldn’t have ever imagined.

A friend once said, “The mystery is half the fun.”

How Are You Doing?

How Are You Doing?

Everyone walks around and asks each other how they’ve been since the last time they met, starts conversation about some vague topic that comes to mind, and then parts ways feeling as if they either wasted time or found more of a bounce in their step. Your coworkers will ask how life outside of work is, and you’ll answer with some ambiguous one liner. Your classmates will ask how your other classes are, and you’ll answer with some half-hazy description with a nervous chuckle. Everyone asks and there are people who wish to care but, in reality, the generalized answers and questionable comebacks are our ways to indefinitely give an undetermined response. Because, really, no one knows how they are truly doing.

We walk around in our little atmospheres only ever defining success or happiness when looking at the comparison of someone else’s life against our own. But since there is no true value in reflecting against something that doesn’t even match our circumstances, the answer to that one simple question remains undefined.

How are you? How are you doing? How is life? How are things?

Truthfully, the answer is, “I don’t know.”

My dad is weakened by his health yet takes on the burden’s of the world onto his shoulders as he stresses about how to pay the bills with where the cash is flowing. My mom is constantly straining herself to find a third job to pay the bills while boring herself at a desk job she is overqualified for – just not on paper. My older sister is awaiting a response from the dozens of medical schools she applied to while working full-time and managing to finish a two year program in one.

My dad has his health. I have mine. We both struggle daily to get through the days with the constant pain we have found ourselves burdened with. Some days it’s near impossible to get out of bed, or do anything other than sit still at our desk. But it’s hard to say anything.

Driving is an issue because of my health. Being in late night classes is an issue with my health. Working more hours isn’t possible with my health. Do you know how frustrating it all is?

You tell me, how am I doing?

Bubble

So Much Has Changed

So Much Has Changed

It’s not that I don’t care about you. It’s not that I don’t remember all the moments we shared together. It’s not that I cloak my confidence in worry and stress.

I learned to live without you. For years, my friend was out of reach and there was nothing either of us could do to change the past. I don’t blame you. Actually, I am grateful that you don’t blame me. But we both know we have to walk forward and figure out where things stand here and now, not reminisce in where things used to be.

My heart skipped the first time I saw you after a couple years of basically silence – worse than silence. I didn’t know what to expect. I honestly prepared myself mentally to be hit by a tsunami of the past. I was ready to feel the pain. But it never was like I thought it would go down.

You actually apologized for the year of torture. You apologized and took it upon yourself to apologize for how tormented I was. And, that itself, meant a lot more to me than the others could possibly know. I couldn’t thank you enough. Despite, I was silent that day.

Now, it’s been a while since we both walked back into each other’s lives. But, really, I still don’t know where you stand with me. I still can’t give you an answer to that question you had asked. “You meant a lot to me, maybe you still do. Maybe you don’t at all, or somewhere in between. I don’t know…” I had told you that first night. I didn’t expect you to have an answer either. But the discomfort in this unknown makes me ponder.

I see you standing there, as a person I used to want to share the world with. But we can’t deny how much things have changed, how much we have changed as individuals.

I see you standing there, but I can’t disregard everything else I have going on. The chance and need of losing the house I’ve called ‘home’ for the past eight years. The stress and worry my parents are going through, and trying to hide from me. The sickness in health I deal with on the daily, and the distress the pain my dad goes through each and every day. The campus I’m about to leave, and the one I’m about to enter. The nervousness and the excitement in “starting over”. So forth.

It’s not that I don’t care about you anymore. It’s not that I don’t wish you the best. It’s not that I don’t want to share life with you and have you in my life still.

It’s that neither of us know where we stand, and neither of us have much more room on our plates to spend too much time figuring it out.

I apologized for how preoccupied I am. I apologized for how much I’ve changed. But I refuse to apologize for how much I’ve grown during the past couple years without you here.

I Love You, Công Chúa

I Love You, Công Chúa

No one will come to compare to how much I love you.

I remember the first time we met at UCI and I thought you were older than me. Most of the volunteers at the program were older; I was always the youngest of them all by far. You had yourself so put together in the front. There was always pain in your eyes, in your heart, but you smiled through it.

Remember when I warned you not to get involved with me? I tried to push you away despite it was obvious we clicked. You were stubborn enough to tell me it was your choice to stick around, and did.

You were the first girl I’ve ever put my faith in.

I saw a part of my sister in you. When I found out you were just starting high school I wanted to do everything I could to make sure you didn’t fall into the same path I mistakenly took my freshmen year. I hung out with you and your friends. We became closer. I introduced you to my group of friends and automatically you were the ‘little one’ we all protected.

I mean, one of us had motherly instincts, another always had a thing with fixing people, the other had a very soft heart, and, well, I loved you like no other. I couldn’t bare you going through any pain. I couldn’t stand you thinking you were ever going through anything alone. I still remember the day you told me you learned how to be strong from me – and that itself is my greatest achievement by far.

But, obviously, we’ve come far from then. It’s been four years and now you’re graduating. You’ve grown into a beautiful and strong young woman. You have ambition. You have fire. You have strength like no other. And I can’t be more proud of you.

I can’t wait to see where you go in life. I can’t wait to see how much you achieve and experience along the way. After all, we’re family. You will never be alone in this world no matter how far we stray. No matter what happens, you will always have a home to stay with me. You will always have an older sister who will hold you when you’re hurting and be pissed at everything and everyone who brings you pain. You will always have me to encourage you and support you through all your life predicaments. You will always have me cheering you on to be the best version of you, for you. You will always have me, here, loving you.

Remember that. We are family after all. I love you.

Sleeve

Dreams

Dreams

When he moved to a different town, he wanted a fresh start. He wished for a place where he didn’t get bullied. He dreamed of an environment in which he could be comfortable simply existing the way he is. He wanted an outlet that gave him energy, not drain him of his life.

When he moved to a different school, he wanted to be left alone. He was tired of the drama that came with friendships. He was exhausted from the heartaches that one-sided friendships left him with. He was sick of society’s standards and the way someone had to act in order to gain someone’s heart and care.

When he graduated, he wanted to start over. Mistake after mistake, the life he wished to leave behind showed the worst part of him, the part he wanted to leave behind. Restless, he wanted to begin again and start a new adventure. He wanted to discover life for everything that it is. He wanted to push limits and challenge the norm. He wanted to make a difference.

When he thought of university, he dreamt of getting out there and getting discovered. He wanted to finally break out of his shell. Restless, he was ecstatic about the new adventures he would begin.

Then he hit a wall.

Year after year, he became more and more restless with the potential of ten soldiers within him pounding to be set free. Year after year, he wanted a fresh start to challenge the world and discover the wonderful life he knew he was meant to live. Year after year, he continued to dream of tomorrow.

That’s why he hit a wall.

Tomorrow doesn’t come until today is over. You can’t have ‘next year’ when you’re still in ‘this year’. Accomplishments don’t create themselves; they need work.

Instead of working towards the life he wanted to live, he only dreamt of it. He wished and prayed for a second chance but then never did anything about it when he was given one. Remember, every day you wake up is another chance to make a ‘wrong’ a ‘right’; every day your eyes open is another chance to chase your dreams.

If you’re standing there pointing at a ball on the playground saying, “I want that!” but not doing anything to get it, then what are you truly doing? Nothing.

Your dreams are there for you to take. Your wishes are there for you to achieve.

The stirring in your soul has left you wondering
Should you stay or turn around
Well, just remember that your dreams they are a promise
That you were made to change the world
So don’t let fear stop you now

By: Sidewalk Prophets

I know it’s tiring. I know there will be times where you want to give up. But, honey, don’t give up on yourself. Don’t give up on your dreams. Don’t give up on…you.

“Your dreams…are a promise that you were made to change the world…”

The day he starts walking towards his dreams is the day he start living them.

Destiny?

Destiny?

You insist that everything should come naturally, that if you have to “work” at something maybe it’s not meant to be. I totally disagree.

Whether you’re talking about the relationships we have in our lives or the career path we wish to take down the road, your perception has blurred your sight of reality.

My good friend is working her ass off towards a new career path. She is struggling and she is swimming frantically through the pool of sharks that is the roadblocks in her way, but she isn’t giving up. And that’s the most important part here. Success isn’t easy. Having that fairytale dream life you wanted ever since you were nine years old is nearly an impossible task. But if you’re going to tell me that you’re so scared to fail that the amount of work you need to put into your life makes you want to walk away, then walk away.

If you’re talking about the relationships we have in our lives, then you really need to wake up. One relationship with one friend has the potential to give you a headache, but also has the potential to give you everything you need. Yes, your schedules are going to clash. You both have your separate lives. You both are working hard towards your goals. You have to understand that time isn’t for free. But it’s the friendships that you work on that are the ones that turn out priceless. You have to be understanding. You have to be patient. And if you aren’t willing to do that for a good friend, then walk away.

You insist that things that are meant to be don’t need work? Wake up.

I don’t care what kind of prodigy you are; I don’t care what you have up your sleeves that make everything work for you; I don’t care what you think is written in the stars. If you aren’t willing to work hard in order to get what you want, then walk away.

If something means enough to you, it should not matter how much work you have to put into it to survive. If something means enough to you, you wouldn’t complain about the work you have to put in. If something means enough to you, you will work towards it; you will work towards your dreams.

And if you’re just wasting your time with something for the mere existence of something in your life, then walk away.

Don’t stand in front of the exit with a foot out the door. Don’t stand in front of that person and waste their time if you are not willing to treat them with the care and respect they deserve. Don’t insist that you are always right when, in reality, you need to wake up and realize how wrong you are.

Not everything is “written in the stars” but that doesn’t mean you can’t write it in yourself.

Insist