Wake up. Realize There’s More.

Wake up. Realize There’s More.

I’m sick and tired of being played. I’m sick and tired of being tortured, manipulated, used. I’m sick and tired of trying to make something meaningful, and getting bullshit in return.

To the young females and males out there, who know what it’s like and who are trying their uttermost best to change something about the worlds around them for the better:

I salute you. It doesn’t seem it matters how many times our hearts get torn out of our chests and beaten with wood. It doesn’t seem to make a difference how many strangers walk into our lives and turn it upside down. And it doesn’t matter how the world around us tells us to give up, because we all know, deep down in our hearts, that we will never stop fighting for good. Whether that battle be within ourselves, between our minds and hearts, or between those who we are supposed to be standing beside, we will not stop fighting.

But I’m getting tired. I have to admit, I’m getting sick and tired of all the hurt and the pain that comes from hoping for too much too soon and having too much faith in what’s not there.

When I see that there is potential somewhere, sometimes I jump at the opportunity to turn it into something meaningful right off the bat. When I see there is light in someone’s heart, that spark in someone’s eyes, I pray for them to be able to keep that for the rest of eternity. When I feel something, when there’s a moment in life where I wish I could replay it over and over again, I know there is still something surrounding all of us that is more than the everyday worries we all have running through our minds. There’s something more than what jobs we have, how successful we are money wise, or what kinds of opportunities for fame we missed; the friendships we have, the relationships we love, the human connections we live for…that is more than anything and everything that exists in both mind and body.

But…why do we, as a society, raise up the importance of “connections” in the business world and letter grades on courses about knowledge rather than human connections with one another as human beings and all those lovely moments we all wish to relive once again.

On the top of my head I can name a few:

  • The first time he called me ‘baby’ when I was riding in the front seat of his car.
  • The first time I won an art competition with a photograph that completely represented who I was.
  • The times he held my hand as we walked down the street talking and laughing about anything and everything that came to mind.
  • The times he said ‘forever and a day’ because it was a cute catch phrase he had way back when.
  • The times I’d find myself laughing so hard that my stomach hurt and all my friends were laughing just as loud around me.
  • The times my parents and siblings could finally cook a meal together without someone trying to eat another’s ear off.
  • The last time my mom told me she was proud of me, despite my having to ask her first.
  • The last time I simply sat with a friend and told them a bit of who I am and what I’m made of.
  • The last time I felt as if I was home when I was in someone else’s arms.
  • The last time I felt safe just with the presence of someone else I truly trusted.

Those are the moments, those are the things, those are the feelings we should be holding onto…not the trophies we won, not the certificates that just became pieces of paper, not that million dollar toilet painted yellow, not the labels we, as a society, give each other as ‘titles’ of our accomplishments as if the title means more than the knowledge itself.

I’m sick and tired of people laughing at, or joking around about, or teasing someone over how ‘sensitive’ they are to their relationships with those around them. I’m sick and tired of people making relationships sound like “decorations for Christmas” or “a center piece for the table”. It’s not the accessories that we don’t always need…it’s the structure of everything that is our lives and everything that should really mean a damn to you.

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Play Me. Play You.

Play Me. Play You.

We’ve all played that game.

It’s where you pretend to not be attracted to a person, who is doing the same exact thing to you. It’s where you laugh casually but wish for them to notice how beautiful your smile is or how your eyes shine when you’re happy. It’s where you do the little things to get their attention and then brush it off as if you don’t really care. It’s where the nonchalant gestures are suddenly more forced and more characterized as acting.

It’s where you continue on with the flirting until one of you finally gets the courage to kiss the other, and you feel the sparks fly. It’s where you finally feel safer being yourself in their arms because there is no other place you would rather be. It’s when everyone knows you are in mutual ‘like’ because you stare at each other with googly eyes. It’s when you can’t get enough of their time, their smile, their laugh, their voice. It’s when life feels like a fairytale and the butterflies constantly flutter in your heart.

It’s when you listen to those love songs and believe every single one of them perfectly pictures your movie life with them. It’s when you open yours eyes each morning with a smile on your face because of a ‘good morning’ text you saw that day. It’s when you can’t even go to sleep knowing you get to spend some more time with them the very next day. It’s when you laugh to yourself when you replay your fairytale-like memories in your head as you walk to your car at night. It’s when you can’t help but turn up the radio and scream the lyrics to that cheesy love song you used to hate.

Please, you can’t deny that we’ve all played that game.

Long Time No See, Sweetie

Long Time No See, Sweetie

It’s been a while since I’ve heard from you. It’s been a while since we talked for so long. It’s been a while since I’ve smiled from your words or laughed from your personality. I’ve missed it.

For a while now, I admit, I haven’t missed you…but I’ve missed that feeling – the feeling I get when it’s so natural talking to you; the feeling I get when you bring a smile to my face; the feeling I get when I look forward to your reply; the feeling I get when you laugh at what I say. I’ve missed being able to be comfortable with someone, because it seems I’m guarded with everyone but you.

It’s funny how you still are the excluded one even after all that you’ve put me through.

I still will cherish this friendship. I still will cherish your time. I still will cherish how much you care about me and the efforts you put in me as time passes by.

I will still appreciate the connection we have. I will still help you here and there when I can. I will still feel proud of you and encourage you for the better. I will still want to make you happy.

Things have changed but…maybe, hopefully, our friendship will survive even to later years.

I wonder how you’ve been during the past so months. I wonder how things are at home with your cousin and your father. I wonder how things are with classes – how your professors are and how you’re transitioning to school. I wonder how your relationships have been with everyone. I wonder how your physical health is. I wonder how you’ve been emotionally too.

Despite all, I know you’ll get through. Sometimes I wish I could be there for you but I know you will be okay and I have faith in you. Despite all, I hope you’ve grown a bit more. I hope you’ve found something better in life.

I hope you’ve surpassed the past.

BookStore Boy

BookStore Boy

Shit. I should’ve brought water for medicine.

I rushed out of the room and down the stairs, heading out of the library. I fumbled with my bag, trying to get my wallet out while walking, after I noticed I only had a little bit of time before my next class. Damnit….why did I do this today?

Walking into the bookstore, I took into my surroundings and shyly walked around a young man in order to see where the bottled water was. After grabbing a bottle, I waited to the side and noticed a lady was waiting next to me already. I let her proceed first, fidgeting with the bottle as I got nervous about being late for the discussion. The cashier looked at me and probably saw how nervous I was. A young girl soon replaced the lady who was standing next to me and went before me – even thought it was clear that I had been there first.

When I went up to the cashier, he smiled and we went through the motions.

“Is this all?”

“Yes, thank you.”

“That will be….”

I pulled out the cash and handed it to him, still uncomfortably restless.

“How do you think you did on the test?” He suddenly asked.

“What? What test?” I looked up at him surprised.

Maybe he thought it was slightly amusing how I reacted and asked, “Aren’t you in my —- class?”

“This morning?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh yeah!” I said, probably too loudly, “Yeah, I think I did okay. What about you?”

The conversation continued briefly, distracting me from how close my next class was. It gave me the short amount of time I needed to let my body relax a bit. I felt weight come off my shoulders and smiled.

I walked out of the bookstore feeling a lot better. This young man, who I had never spoke to before, took initiative and talked to me. He also calmed me and…made my day, whether he knew it or not.

-Cheers, to the little things, to the young man who brought a smile on my face on a very stressful day.

Welcome Back…

Welcome Back…

I know it’s been a while since we’ve talked.
I know a lot has changed – on my side of the story anyway.
I know it’s time to focus on the future more than what’s happening right now.
I know we’ll both just get busier and busier.

I know it’s wary to say I still “feel at home” when talking to you.
I know it’s wary to say you’re still the easiest person to talk to…and most enjoyable at times.
I know it’s wary to say I am realizing the empty place you left in my life has been filled since you’ve come back.
I know it’s wary to say there are some things that cannot be duplicated in a relationship with someone else that I have with you.

But…

I know I will never trust you the same, if I can come trust you at all after everything you put me through.
I know I will never forget everything that happened for it had scarred me for life.
I know I will never be able to go back to how things were and feel like that again.
I know I will never be that little girl who trusted, who believed, who thought her fairytale would never end.

I know I am still trying to heal as I push the pain to the side.
I know I am still trying to accept and move forward from the scar you had left behind.
I know I am still trying to go through my life and find strength to be alright.
Because I know…I am still trying to push past the scar that continues to haunt me day in and day out.

But…

I know you bring a smile to my face as I am able to talk freely with you since…I always have my guard up uncomfortably high with nearly everyone else.
I know you make me feel better when you listen to my struggles and rants since…no one else will listen or puts up with my problems.
I know you give me a sense of well-being because I know you accept me for who I am since…everyone else seems to always be pointing out flaws and pushing me to change, not liking anything about who I truly am.

……what do I say?

I know I’m stressed out with everything that is going on in my life right now.
I know I don’t have much of an escape route, any outlet of any sort.
I know I’m dealing with a lot right now, physically and mentally, and feel overwhelmed some of the times.
I know I have a lot of pressure, a lot of expectations, a lot of…everything, that sometimes I just want to scream.

So, I know I might be too glad that you’re back in my life.
I know I might be too happy that I have someone to talk to who will accept me, listen to me, and be there for me…even if that person is you.
I know I might be too grateful for the little that you go because of everything I’m dealing with, everything that life’s putting me through.

I know I’m welcoming you back with open arms even though I might want to consider being more wary.
I know I’m becoming too excited about talking to you even though I might want to keep my distance.
I know I’m jumping in too far too fast even though I might want to not think of it as anything yet.
I know I’m starting to believe in you again too quick even though I might want to not trust anything right now.

But…

Welcome back. 🙂

Mistake (n.)

Mistake (n.)

I used to love you with all my heart. I used to love you to a point where it was too much for my own good. I used to put you over everything else. And that was my mistake.

Mistake (n.) – an action or judgment that is misguided or wrong

I remember pushing things aside to make room for you in my day just so I could possibly, just maybe, make your day a little better. I remember taking on your duties and offering to help a lot more than I normally would just so I could lighten your load. I remember lying about my own circumstances and situations in order to brush off my own problems and issues just so you didn’t have to worry about more. I remember going crazy worrying for you, about you. I remember doing so much for you. I remember overthinking many nights and problems because of you. I remember doing things I wouldn’t have done if not for you. I remember pushing myself, my own limits, for your sake. And that was my mistake.

I pretended to be okay and pushed myself to go through the day even with everything I had been dealing with, mentally and physically, in hopes that it would make it easier for you to focus on your work and your day. I pretended that I could do it all in hopes that I could take the weight off your shoulders. I pretended to be fine with some things in hopes that it would make you happy. And that was my mistake.

I asked for you to be there when I needed you. I asked for you to help me through my pains. I asked for you to listen and support me when I needed it. I asked for you to give me your time and heart…because that was what I thought you would want to give me. After all, you had said you loved me most. And that was my mistake.

I loved you too much. I gave you too much.

I still love you, but not as much. I would still give you my time and attention, but I wouldn’t prioritize you too the top as much. I would still be willing to help, but not as much. I would still want to be there for you, but not as much. I would still give, but not as much. I wouldn’t want to lose myself again and, instead of looking for me, look towards you. That was my mistake.

Things have changed since the last time we spoke. I won’t make that mistake again, with you or anyone else. Not again.

Mistake

May 17: South

May 17: South

Where am I to go?

There is a path that stands before me. There are many paths that start from where I am. There are many paths that branched off a little back. Is it too late to go back? Should I walk forward?

You can’t erase the past but you can make it right. That’s what I’ve been told. You can’t take back what had been done but you can fix it to make it correct.

Sometimes anyways…

Was it too late to go back? During the past four years, there are things I am not very proud of. During the past four years, there are things I wish I could take back. During the past four years, there are actions I had taken that still haunt me today.

Is it too late to go back and fix things? Make them “right” again?

For some things, the answer to this question is “yes”. I wish it were not, but it is true. This is how things are. This is what I made happen.

The person who lived through my eyes four years ago isn’t the same person who stares back at me in the mirror today. The person who did all those things had been locked up into the deepest corner of my heart and mind, but she yearns to escape and waits for the day in which she will get her way.

I fear that day. I fear myself, in a way.

I know what I am capable of. I know what I can do, what she can do, what she had done.

And there is no way for me to take back her actions or “make them right”.

From where I stand right now, I look back at the paths I could’ve taken and imagine what I would’ve found among those roads. Things would have been different if I had chosen to walk a different route. I would be different from the person I am now.

But I can’t change that. I can’t walk backwards. I can’t go back south and change my decision to walk this way.

There is a future ahead of me…but darkness is all I see. For the things she had done and the things I can never forgive myself for, I see the future ahead does not consist of a light in the dark.

But I still have hope. Maybe I can’t forgive myself yet, maybe I can’t escape from my past, but I can keep walking forward. I can choose correctly now and do something right.

Maybe…just maybe…I’ll even find that light in the dark.

If I’m patient enough, if I’m strong enough, if I’m worthy enough, I won’t need to go back to my past and change everything that I had done.

South