For years, I have held this pent up rage. For years, pain have been shoved into a pit I thought was bottomless. I was wrong.

Seeing her in so much pain, reminded me of my own. Feeling all that hurt in the room, uncovered the old wounds that never healed.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to punch something. I wanted to let it all out. But I didn’t dare. Because, what happens when I let the tsunami through? What will be left of me then?

I guess I need a new pit.

Notable

Advertisements
Reality Hits

Reality Hits

Being productive was supposed to be today’s number one priority. I look at the notebook where I had started my notes for the first out of six essays I was planning to read; only the title is written, not a single note written down. I look at the clock and it’s already three. When did the day go by?

Yesterday night, I was planning to wake up early to help my dad paint the new office. Mom refused to let me go because I should study. I was trapped at home.

A few minutes after my dad left, my mom went somewhere too. My sister had been the first to leave for her class this morning. I was left at home.

For hours I blasted my music, trying to silence the thoughts running through my head. After feeling nothing but emptiness and pain for hours, numbness became the only thing I could process.

I want to scream but I’m mentally exhausted.
I want to be productive but my boring reading is the last thing I want to do.
I want to be creative but nothing flows through my head.
I want to do SOMETHING but I also just want to stay in bed.

I went to my mom and explained to her that I hadn’t done anything all day. She laughed. I felt like a failure and a joke. I wanted to cry. I’ve had so many meltdowns in the past couple days.

I want to reach out but no one seems to hear a sound.

I understand that they’re in a lot of pain. The lost was in their family, but still in my life.
I get that I should be strong for them and be there for them. But I wonder if they even realize I am screaming inside.

Trapped. In pain. Nowhere to hide. I’m broken inside.

Static

A Beginning

A Beginning

When you’re so stressed you become restless and end up not sleeping,
When you are so caught up in what you need to do that you finally manage a full day with your hair tied up,
When you are so out of it and obviously overwhelmed that your classmates check up on you, while still knowing to leave you be,
When you are so on edge that you can’t remember how many times you ran your hand through your hair and sighed tiredly,
When you become agitated to the point that you can’t seem to find the correct keys on the keyboard,

When you’re so down in the dumps you end up typing a letter to yourself in attempt to give yourself a little more strength,
When you’re insanely tired to the point that you struggle to get out of bed in the morning,
When you’re out of energy to the point that the action of getting food prepared and ready to eat seems to drain you even before you can take a single bite,
When you’re out of it and end up staring at a blank word document for over an hour with complete nonsense running through your head,
When you can’t manage to hold a single conversation because all that you want to do is curl up in someone’s arms and take another nap,

When you can’t shake that gut feeling that tells you something is going to go down,
When you are restless at night worrying about what is going to take place in the morning, or even the next day,
When you can’t seem to ignore the thoughts that keep flashing in your mind about an event that you aren’t sure will even take place,
When you constantly get these “pushes” into a certain direction that you don’t know whether or not you should listen to,
When you get doubts about your instincts even though they have been awkwardly precise,

When you figure out that you typed up a blog post but are not confident about the particular direction you had in mind for it…that’s awkward…

Qualm

Just Lost

Just Lost

What do you want me to say? That I don’t know what I’m doing? I don’t know where this all leads?
What do you want me to do? Stop doing anything until I figure out where I want to end? Spend time planning out the little details instead of doing anything at all?

I know I don’t know where I want to be in five, ten, fifteen years. Who does?

Who has it all figured out? Who knows exactly where they’re going to be years from today/ Who? Tell me who and I’ll show you how they are simply doing what every single person is doing: figuring it out as they go.

You might know what you want to be doing in the future. You might be planning for those years ahead of time. You might have a timeline you want to strictly follow. But, the thing is, you never know what’s going to happen.

You will never be able to plan for the outcomes. You will never be able to see the mistakes before they happen. You will never be able to predict the future.

I don’t know what I want to be doing ten years from now. I don’t know where I want to be five years from now. I don’t even know what this summer will be like for me.

All I can say is this: I know what I’m doing right now.

Yes. RIGHT NOW.
Not in an hour from now. Not tonight. Not this weekend. Not next month.
But, RIGHT NOW.

I know I want to study hard in the courses I’m taking that pertain to a possible destination. I know I want to do my best to keep my friendships strong and close by. I know I want to spend my time living my life as much as I spend it working for the future. I know I want to be happy. I know I want to listen to music and get lost int he lyrics. I know I want to remember to spend time alone and experience myself fully. I know…only, that, much.

Just because I don’t know where I’m going, it doesn’t mean I have to stop doing everything to figure it out. It doesn’t mean I have to write out a plan to follow step by step. It doesn’t mean I am lost or behind from everyone else. Because, in reality, it doesn’t matter how prepared someone seems for the future because NO ONE IS READY, because no one knows what’s going to happen.

Not knowing, is okay.
Being a little lost, is okay.
IT. IS. OKAY.