Changed

Changed

Narrow-minded to more open-minded.
Distant to more open.
Quiet to more talkative.
Cold to more welcoming.

Being able to only see the pain to being able to see happiness.
Being able to only feel hurt to being able to feel at peace.
Being able to only look back to being able to plan for the future.

Defensive to more flexible.
Stubborn to more fluid.
Possessive to more giving.
Protective to more understanding.

Being able to only see the bad in new people to being able to see what could be good in them.
Being able to only question their genuine to being able to understand not everyone is alike.
Being able to only remember the past to understanding that it might not reoccur again.

It’s incredible how pain can alter a person.
It’s incredible how moving on can change a person.

Being able to only hate what happened to knowing how to move on.
Being able to only know what’s broken to realizing the pieces can be picked up again and put back together – or rebuilt anew.
Being able to only trust pain to enjoying happiness.

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Summer is Coming

Summer is Coming

Days become longer but seem to past by faster. Summer is here and this is the one year I wish to push the season back ’til next month…or even next year if ever possible. I don’t want summer to be here.

I’ll miss the cold chills of fall and winter. I’ll miss the comfort of spring. I’ll miss the constantly company within the campus walls.

I don’t want goodbyes to come. I don’t want the year to end. I don’t want the separation to start becoming true.

The faces I see down everyday will soon become a memory. The conversations we had, and the ones we never got to have, will soon flow past us with the wind. The moments we cherished and the memories we made will soon become of the past as we move forward with our lives and take what we can into the next chapter, the next pages.

It is unknown what will become of us. It is unknown what will occur even in the near future. There might be excitement and joy, but there might be pain and sorrow.

I do not wish for it to come so early. I never believed this would come so fast. We all knew it would happen despite all odds, but none of us wanted it to show up at our doors…we all wanted this experience to last.

Goodbyes to the campus. Goodbyes to the friends. Goodbyes to the parents and staff who had helped us through all the tough days and helped us keep walking until the end. Goodbyes to the campus. Goodbyes to the treasure.

Goodbye to our old life as we move on down the road to forever.

I’ll miss the place and I do not know when I’ll return. I’ll miss everything I’m leaving behind and hope one day it’ll still be here for me to say…hi. I’ll miss it here…

It changed a part of me. It brought out new parts of me and it buried others. Everything that happened here has molded me into the person I am today. I will never forget all the lessons I learned and all the memories that, in my heart, will stay.

I don’t want to say goodbye but if I must…I will say “until I see you again”. I have hope we will meet, even if we part ways, in the future and restart this life together again. I have faith that everything will be okay.

Friends

Friends

Looking back to when I heard the saying “the friends you meet in college are the friends for life”, I had always thought I was fortunate enough to meet my “friends for life” in high school. I thought we were an unstoppable, unbreakable team; we had gone through so much together, grew up together, and bonded over so much. But I might’ve been wrong.

I’ve met these friends. They’re these incredible three people. One knows me and understands me like no other, another has gone through thick and thin with me, and the last had been there through everything.

My first friend:
He was the first person I met who understood some things no one else would get. He was the first person who listened to me like he did, cared for me, took care of me. The way we watched over each other, the way we connected and bonded, the way we joked around and enjoyed life with each other. I will never forget the late night phone calls that consisted of both hours of joking around and hours of deep conversation. I will never forget the days we escaped from life, from the drama around us, from everything. I will never forget those deep brown eyes, that smile. I will never forget him. I will be waiting for him to come back to me.

My second friend:
She was the first friend who was close to me that was a girl. It wasn’t because I was sexist, but I just got along with the boys better. She was one of the only close girl friends I had. She always wished to help me and tried her best to whenever she could. She respected me unconditionally. She believed in me. The way we talked, the way we went to each other for things, the way we got along. I will never forget the conversations we had. I will never forget those worried eyes that looked up to me. I will never forget how we “mother”ed each other. I will never forget her. I will be looking forward to going back to her when I’m more okay, when I’ve found myself.

My third friend:
He was the first friend who put more effort into me when I was in a dark time. He was the first friend who had gone through so much with me and yet still is by my side. The way we weren’t afraid to say the truth to each other, the way we talked and got along, the way we fought. I will never forget all the drama we went through. I will never forget how much pain we went through. I will never forget all the things that were said and promises that were kept. I will never forget all the weird conversations and the random topics. I will be looking forward to hearing from him later on.

We might drift apart now. We might stop being friends for a while. We might not talk for some time. But I know we’ll come back together no matter what. But I know we’ll be okay later on. But I know we’ll always have each other.

Friend. Family? More. Less?

Friend. Family? More. Less?

Conversations start to die down. Time spent togethers gets less and less. Effort put into it…seems to dry out.

I wish I could go back to the time where I knew for a fact that we would be okay no matter what. I believed I would always have you there for me, by my side…through it all. I trusted you unlike any other. But, of course, everything changed.

I am scarred by betrayal. I need to heal from the hurt. But I push it off, wanting to know we would be okay in the end. Will we?

Part of me has confidence in us still. Part of me believes that even if we drift apart now, we’ll come back together stronger than ever. Part of me thinks we’ll be okay and our promises will be kept.

The other half of me has its doubts. The other half of me is scared of letting us go right now. The other half of me does not have faith; it has grown weak and does not wish to put our friendship to chance.

Every part of me wishes we would be okay again. Every part of me wishes you to come back to me. Every part of me wishes…for my friend back.

But I need to grow. I feel the past holding me back. I hope you will come with me into my future. I hope you will one day, if not now, be a big part of my life once again. I hope, one day, we’ll be okay.

I have faith in us. This is what I meant all those times. I have faith that, no matter what, we’ll be okay in the end.

April 19: Fake

April 19: Fake

He fakes the smile on his face. He fakes the bounce in his steps. He fakes the enthusiasm and happiness around his friends. He fakes the happy thoughts when he wants time to end.

They don’t ask him anymore. He use to go to them for everything. He use to say what was on his mind. Someone, that one, would know everything that went on around him and with him, with time…but not this time.

He silently screams for help but no one hears. He knows no one hears him; a part of him doesn’t want anyone to listen. He is scared to make a single sound. After everything he’s gone through, he sometimes doesn’t want to be found.

He sits in the dark. He watches as blood leaks from his skin. He runs his hands over the scratches along his legs. He grabs at his hair and screams silently into the empty space in front. But no one hears, because these screams are only in his head.

He imagines people seeing through his mask. He pictures countless ways of them convincing him to let them help. He wants to let them, but he needs to be convinced. He wants to believe someone cares and someone loves him – like he once thought – but he needs to be convinced. He needs to feel it again. He needs to feel he has worth and his life is worth living.

Until then, he will continue to scream. He will continue to not make a sound. He will continue to wait, until he cannot anymore, until he can’t take it anymore.

Then…he won’t be able to make a sound.

Fake

April 17: Breath

April 17: Breath

One breath. Two breath. Three breath. Focus.

She sits at her table with her head rested in her hands. She breathes.

One…two…three…four…five…six…seven…eight…nine…ten…she counts.

With ten assignments, four projects, work, chores, and much more, she has too much on her plate. She is overwhelmed with things to do and there is not enough time to get everything done. She knows this too. She can’t do everything, but everything needs to get done.

“Just take a break.” or “It can wait until later.” Her friends constantly tell her. But in her mind, through her eyes, nothing can wait and everything needs to get done NOW.

She’s worried and she scared but no one can help her. She reaches out and no one answers her calls. She looks around but no one is seen in her sight. She’s alone, in her mind.

Working hard every moment she can, she pushes her body to its physical limits. She stays up late at night and wakes up early in the morning, using caffeine and energy drinks to keep her awake. She skips meals and forgets to drink, getting lost in her work as she put her full attention to the screen. She dries her eyes and turns them red, staring at the computer screen all day. She tries to do every single possible thing, forgetting that she needs to listen to her limits.

She pushes her health and pushes herself. She forgets to take a break and forgets to breathe. When she does, she gets better but she only then takes advantage of that to push herself further.

When she does, she can feel weight getting lifted from her heavy shoulders; she can feel the tightness start to vanish away from her chest; she can feel her headaches diminish into thin air. When she does, she gets a break from life and she loves it there.

But then she remembers of all the work she has to do, all the responsibilities life has shoved onto her plate, all her duties she needs to uphold, and everything comes crashing down. Her dream world – where she can just exist and live her life, where she can enjoy herself, where she can BREATHE – turns into darkness and vanishes from her grasp.

She needs to breathe. She needs to take one breath. Once again. But…she doesn’t. She goes back to work. She goes back into her torturous world she yearns to escape from. She goes back in darkness.

She only needed to breathe, take a breath…but she doesn’t. She doesn’t feel she is capable of escaping. She doesn’t feel she deserves to get away. She doesn’t feel like she’s enough.

Breath

I’ll Look Back

I’ll Look Back

New Year’s Day. Two thousand sixteen.

I’ll look back to our memories and just…remember.

Remember our first moment in class, that look in your eyes. Remember your shyness when you wanted to hold my hand for the very first time. Remember our first kiss, and how you flipped that coin. Remember our first date, and all those times you played our song.

Remember our late night phone calls, neither of us wanting to leave. Remember our endless conversations, going from ‘good morning’ to ‘goodnight‘ and ‘sweet dreams‘. Remember all the times you hugged me, neither of us wanting to let go. Remember our talks and laughing, wishing that time would freeze or at least go a little slow.

I know that I will look back and remember you.

I’m looking back right now. I’m looking back at all these posts about you. I’m looking back and know I don’t regret anything at all.

I know we’ll make more memories. I know not much will change. I know we’ll continue to care for each other, as we did from the very first day. I know…we’ll be okay. We’re us. We’ll be okay.