Sitting in the library during intersession is the most peaceful I’ve found this place. There are barely any students here; not a lot of students stay before/after classes – if they are taking classes in the first place. There is a comfort in the silence that makes it easier to hear my thoughts. There is something about the calmness that soothes my heart.
Chris came earlier today and listened to my ramble on about random things (if you are reading this, I want to say thank you). He came to help me to study but I couldn’t keep my mouth shut and focus on the triple integrals and Stokes’ theorem problems in front of me. My mind was running faster than ever, the panic and nervousness for my calc 3 final fueling my anxiety. I am glad he was able to make me laugh and smile instead of getting engulfed into my own insecurities.
Times like this remind me to be grateful for the meaningful relationships I have with those around me. Not just the people I see on a day-to-day basis but the ones that actually go out of their way to keep a friendship. It’s the ones who will stay up with you until 1am to help you study; it’s the ones who will drive for half an hour to you because you need a ride home; it’s the ones who spend hours trying to do something that will make you smile; it’s the ones who truly are your best friends.
I look around in my life and I recognize these relationships in my life, and just smile. The small texts between us when we are trying to check in after a few weeks of silence. The video calls that always have me smiling and laughing. The phone calls, whether long or short, that make us feel closer and more connected even after times apart. The little things you do for each other in attempt to make their day just a little better. The amazing friendships that don’t need constant connection to stay alive.
I went to grab coffee with an old friend, who I have a complicated history with. We hadn’t talked for months, and during that time it was more small talk than anything. Despite that, we hadn’t talked for almost a year. But when he came and agreed to meet up, we spoke as if the time hadn’t passed in silence. It was like when people say true friendships are the friendships in which you can act like you had spoken the day before even though it’s been years. It was natural. It was fun. It was satisfying. It was normal. It was friendship.
Even though I am not usually surrounded by people – I am usually alone – and I am comfortable in this silence and isolation, I still feel a connection to the people who truly matter. I look around and, even though I may be by myself, but I am never alone. It’s the friendships that reminds me of this that are worth the world.
I don’t know what the right words are to take away the pain from your heart, to lift the weight from your shoulders, to make everything better.
I won’t pretend to know what you’re going through, to understand the pain that you feel.
It’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to feel helpless. It’s okay to grieve.
It’s okay to want to be alone. It’s okay to heal on your own. It’s okay.
I will not continue to tell you that things will get better because, one day, you will understand that. I will not pester you to eat correctly, to drink lots of water, to take care of yourself. I will not demand that you bounce back in record time. I will not.
Just know, please, love, please just know…
I am here, for you.
I am here, for you to rant to.
I am here, for you to lean on.
I am here, for you to talk to.
I am here, to hold you.
I am here, to be gentle with you.
I am here, to take care of you.
I am here, to listen to you.
I am here, for now and always.
I see the pain in your eyes. I see how much you are struggling to balance and handle everything life throws at you. I see how tired you are growing. I see how close you are getting to giving up. I see the immense weight on your shoulders you are trying to bear. I see the little course of light inside you getting tired, but it still wants to fight. Sweetheart, I see you.
I get it. I know that silence you hear when your thoughts are all too jumbled and loud. I know the pain of trying your best and still somehow not being good enough. I know how much energy gets drained from you, even from the simplest tasks throughout the day. I know the struggle of fighting of the darkness because all you want to do, all you think you are capable of doing anymore is trying to stay sane.
For the ones around me. I see you trying to pick your outfits of the day. I see you attempting to go out of your comfort zone to get noticed. I see your desire to get heard and be seen in a good light. I see you waiting to escape from all the pains of dramas in life. I see you trying to block out the hatred and focus on the positive in life. I see you doing your best to survive and make those around you proud. I see you wanting to live up to their expectations. I see you losing yourself as you try to make them happy. I see you struggling to comprehend what it is to love yourself. I see you pushing off taking care of yourself to be there for others. I see you doing everything you think you can. I see you being left in disappointment. Sweetie, I see you.
I get it. I know how impatient you are getting as you wait for the escape from life. I know how it feels like to question whether things will ever be better than how things are. I get how frustrating it is to wonder if this is all you are meant to do, all you are meant to be in life. I know the struggle of trying to block out the negativity. I know how hard it is to not let everyone and everything get to you. I know the fight that seems to be you against the world. I know it feels as if everything is just getting harder and harder, worse and worse. I know how it feels to start to give up on life and humanity itself.
I’m sorry. I know how it feels but I can’t fix it for you. I can’t magically make everything better for you. I wish I could. I wish I could protect you from everything that is life, but I cannot. I am not capable of doing so many things that I wish I could. I’m sorry. I can’t do anything for you….but be here when you need me. I know it’s a hard battle. I know it’s an exhausting fight every day. I know…I’m here for you. I promise. I’m here for you. Now and until the end of time.