I spent the past two hours working on some last assignments for this past semester. I spent the past two hours shoving my screams down the drain, struggling to just feel comfortable in the silence – despite the music blaring in my ears.
But the second I finished, the second the distraction went away, everything came back tenfold.
I couldn’t breathe for a while. I could feel the world spinning around me with everything frozen in time. I could see him standing in front of me, my back against the trunk of a tree. I could feel his hands on my body. I couldn’t scream.
For once, I wish I couldn’t write. I wish I didn’t have all these confusing emotions flooding through me. I wish I didn’t have….this feeling anymore!
I want to go to sleep so I didn’t have to deal with this feeling. But even if I sleep, it won’t go away.
I want to go away.
You know what sucks? Wanting to sleep so you don’t feel the pain anymore but finding yourself living more horrors through nightmares you can’t wake up from. I couldn’t wake up.
A close friend hopes that I stop beating myself up over what happened. I had begun to tell him what happened, hoping for someone to tell me it was going to be okay. I’m grateful for him; I will never be able to thank him enough. He told me, over and over, trying to get it through my mind, that it doesn’t matter what people say or how much I beat myself up because it wasn’t my fault. He held me as I sobbed. My entire body was probably shaking. For once, I felt strong to be crying. I needed it so badly that I wasn’t scared to cry. I wasn’t scared that time because I believed he’d hold me together and give me time. When I calmed, he got me on my feet and pulled me into his arms. The warmth soothed my heart. He reassured me again and again that I was safe now. And, in his arms, I believed him.
But when I went to sleep in attempt to run away from my thoughts, somehow they still played in my sleep, in the back of my mind. I couldn’t wake to stop them. I couldn’t shake them out of my mind.
He wanted to fight off the demons in my mind with love. He wanted to shield me from the pain. But I don’t think he ever thought I’d wake up in the mornings with a scream in my throat but no voice to be found.
You wake up shaking. You wake up screaming. You wake up gasping for air. You wake up…grabbing at what’s not there.
You curl up in a ball once you realize there’s nothing but empty space in front of me. You clutch at the blanket and bring your legs closer to your chest as you realize the entire house is empty, and it feels as if the room is turning ’round and ’round. You feel the tears fall from your eyes and remember how broken you feel inside.
You close your eyes wishing you were anywhere but there. You grip at the blanket until your knuckles are white like a ghost. You listen to your breathes come out shaky and feel your heartbeat race from within.
You wait. You wait for your body to calm down. But your mind is still racing.
You ignore the feeling and get out of bed despite how much you are contemplating between staying in bed for years and years to come or sprinting straight out the door and never coming back. You realize you’re wobbling on your feet because your body still hasn’t caught up with your motives. You walk into the corner of the wall and feel as if you cannot breath.
You struggle. Everywhere you look, it’s there. Whatever you do, it’s running through your mind ten times a second. It haunts you. You can’t shake it off.
You stare at your face in the mirror, it looks pale. You stare at your own hands, as if you haven’t seen them for years. You stare out the window, feeling like a prisoner in your own mind.
Will you ever be free?