Just Lost

Just Lost

What do you want me to say? That I don’t know what I’m doing? I don’t know where this all leads?
What do you want me to do? Stop doing anything until I figure out where I want to end? Spend time planning out the little details instead of doing anything at all?

I know I don’t know where I want to be in five, ten, fifteen years. Who does?

Who has it all figured out? Who knows exactly where they’re going to be years from today/ Who? Tell me who and I’ll show you how they are simply doing what every single person is doing: figuring it out as they go.

You might know what you want to be doing in the future. You might be planning for those years ahead of time. You might have a timeline you want to strictly follow. But, the thing is, you never know what’s going to happen.

You will never be able to plan for the outcomes. You will never be able to see the mistakes before they happen. You will never be able to predict the future.

I don’t know what I want to be doing ten years from now. I don’t know where I want to be five years from now. I don’t even know what this summer will be like for me.

All I can say is this: I know what I’m doing right now.

Yes. RIGHT NOW.
Not in an hour from now. Not tonight. Not this weekend. Not next month.
But, RIGHT NOW.

I know I want to study hard in the courses I’m taking that pertain to a possible destination. I know I want to do my best to keep my friendships strong and close by. I know I want to spend my time living my life as much as I spend it working for the future. I know I want to be happy. I know I want to listen to music and get lost int he lyrics. I know I want to remember to spend time alone and experience myself fully. I know…only, that, much.

Just because I don’t know where I’m going, it doesn’t mean I have to stop doing everything to figure it out. It doesn’t mean I have to write out a plan to follow step by step. It doesn’t mean I am lost or behind from everyone else. Because, in reality, it doesn’t matter how prepared someone seems for the future because NO ONE IS READY, because no one knows what’s going to happen.

Not knowing, is okay.
Being a little lost, is okay.
IT. IS. OKAY.

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Dear Me (of the Future)

Dear Me (of the Future)

I hope you have found a way to be happy without needing distractions to avert your attention from any emotional or mental pain.
I hope you have found a way out of your physical pain and the chains that once tied your feet to the ground.
I hope you have found a way to love yourself the way your first love did.
I hope you have survived all the pain that I am going through and you are living somewhere out there, in the future, as a new and improved me who has learned more than I can ever imagine.

I hope you can hold your head high when people ask what you do for living and smile when you tell them of work.
I hope you can smile and laugh freely without having to fake your happiness for the world to believe that you are okay.
I hope you can breathe when you are sitting in your house without the pressure and tension that use to grasp at your heart and soul.
I hope you can speak your mind without being torn down and shoved into a corner by everyone, even your family.

I hope you have stable friends around you who you know you can count on and trust to be there.
I hope you have friends who accept you, encourage you, and love you for the person you are – flaws and all.
I hope you have friends who live life with you and don’t hide secrets from you.
I hope you have friends who mean well and don’t do you harm.

I hope you can walk outside without being paranoid of someone following you, someone having bad intensions.
I hope you can calmly talk to people without wanting to put up your walls, walk away, or hide your true self.
I hope you can focus on your work and studies without being scared of what people would think if you work too hard or not enough, get too great of grades or too bad of grades, or work too fast or too slow.
I hope you can tell people you are okay and you are looking forward to the next couple years of your life without having to lie and pretend as if everything is okay.

I hope you have come to peace with your past, all your struggles you’ve been through, all your mistakes that you’ve made, etc.
I hope you have learned to look forward in life instead of just around you or behind.
I hope you have accepted yourself, flaws and all.
I hope you have found whatever it is that I believe is missing from my life and embraced it in yours.

I hope you are okay.
I hope your life has come together more.
I hope you have a stable and strong support system like you always wanted.
I hope you are truly happy with life.
I hope you are okay.