Someone

Someone

In this period of time where nothing but work and study should be a priority, I find myself yearning for a little bit more time to spend with my friends…to spend writing my heart out…to spend exploring the beauty that surrounds me with my camera in hand……to spend with family.

It’s a headache to have to do nothing but work and study from dawn to dusk and dusk to dawn. It’s exhausting to never really get the human interaction component in your life that you crave so much. It’s petrifying to see yourself become so exhausted and so stressed that you have become pale, have lost any appetite for a meal, or snack, even, and have no longer find sleep comforting.

I know…I know…
I made this choice. It was my call whether I wanted to take the hardest portion of calculus over summer, and take another STEM course, AND work part-time to have any income. I could’ve avoided this if I had just said ‘no’.

But, guess what?
I don’t regret it.

I find myself completely engaged every morning when I go to lecture. I find myself easily smiling and laughing at the side of my classmates during my night lecture and lab. I find myself feeling proud of myself when I check off yet another task from what seems to be an endless to-do-list.

The only thing missing is…
Someone. A close friend.

Someone to tell stories to about my day and about the amazing lecture I just went through. Someone to hear my giggle as I go off about how excited I am for this fall, when I get the honor of learning from these professors even more. Someone to look at me wide-eyed as I tell them about my studying schedule and for me to just laugh back at them because, even though I agree with them on the fact that it sounds like hell, and maybe it is but, I will make it through.

Someone to go to lunch and talk about our plans for the next week, for the next month, for the next semester. Someone to fantasize the future with. Someone to talk about new discovered pet peeves, about new coffee shops, about new friendships, about the “new life” that we find ourselves living. Someone to complain to about how long lecture was or how much studying we always try to avoid but always have to get through. Someone to laugh with, to joke around with, to tease endlessly…to make those beautiful summer memories.

Basically, someone to make all this feel like SUMMER, feel like LIFE.
Because, without all that, without a close friend by my side, in my life, I’m not “living” but I’m simply “getting by”.

Don’t doubt that I’m not so proud of myself for wanting to try this and actually going through with it, despite all my fears, worries, and doubts. Don’t doubt that I wouldn’t go back into time just to do it all over again. Don’t think that I wish for any of this to just “go away”. Because, I don’t.

I know this summer has been hard. I know this month has seemed like it lasted for years and years because of all the stress and pain. I know it’s had its suffering days. I know there were nights that I just couldn’t sleep. I know there were nights that I would wake up with yet another nightmare. I know it hasn’t been the watermelon and strawberries that is summer.

But…it’s my summer…

I’m working hard to achieve a goal. I’m working hard for a future that is still unknown. I’m doing my best to get by with what I have and what I know how to do. I’m doing my best to keep it together and get it all figured out. In the end, I’m doing something with my life. I might not have the time to go shopping, to simply lay in bed and complain about the heat, to spend all my days with friends, or to binge that show on Netflix (not that I haven’t watched a few episodes here and there), but I’m getting shit done.

The only thing I will complain about…and will probably complain about some more after I’ve written this post…is the fact that I haven’t really spoken to anyone in a month. That human interaction that we, as humans, naturally crave? Yeah, that has somehow disappeared from the equation that is my life right now.

That “someone”/ those “someones” are nonexistent right now.
And it’s such a pain to have to chase after people during my busy schedule that is driving me insane.

I’m exhausted. I’m out of energy. I’m drained.
I’m stressed. I’m worried. I’m restless.

I don’t regret this summer…but, like I said, the only thing missing is…

SOMEONE

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An Escape, Please

An Escape, Please

I sat at my desk, scribbling away at some integrations from calculus class. A headache pounded my head after days depending on my caffeine intake, because I could never find myself able to go to sleep until it was too late. If waking up each morning before the sun rises wasn’t hell enough, getting through the day with my eyes constantly wanting to take a nap during lecture was ten times worse.

How was I supposed to get through my days when I couldn’t even manage to give myself enough energy to retain any of the information my professors blabbed on about? My body constantly pleaded me to go to bed, to go rest, to do anything but the hundreds of math problems I had on my desk. I couldn’t blame myself either because for days, for weeks, it’s been a constant flow of studying and nothing else.

Food? Snacks? Drinks? Friends? Breaks? No. No. No. No. And no.

I got up bright and early and go to class right away. I headed to the library or home and study until dinner or my night class. I got through that and then back to my desk to study. I stayed and studied until I knew it would be impossible to be up the next morning unless I either went to bed or suffered through another all-nighter.

It was a little too much. Too bad I had underestimated the intensity of my schedule when I still had a chance of changing it.

Then the one thing that puts me over the edge comes faster than I could’ve imagined. Surgery. My dad needed surgery. Him. Not me. But him. He needed surgery.

After that, I began sitting at my desk holding a pen in my hand and a piece of empty lined paper under my arm, but I wouldn’t be moving. I’d stare at the page and stare blankly at the integral sign, but I wouldn’t write. I’d go to lectures and I would take beautiful notes, but all of that stopped making sense and I wouldn’t know what to do.

I mean, what do you do write when nothing but panic runs through your mind. What are you supposed to say when you are overwhelmed like no other. What are you supposed to do when you are in over your head and internally screaming when no one seems to be listening and no one seems to even notice. What are you supposed to do…tell me, because I don’t know.

It went from not eating and not taking many breaks because I was busy studying, to not eating and not sleeping much because I was nauseous was worry and fatigue from the panic.

I just needed an escape from everything…but it never came.

Welcome Back…

Welcome Back…

I know it’s been a while since we’ve talked.
I know a lot has changed – on my side of the story anyway.
I know it’s time to focus on the future more than what’s happening right now.
I know we’ll both just get busier and busier.

I know it’s wary to say I still “feel at home” when talking to you.
I know it’s wary to say you’re still the easiest person to talk to…and most enjoyable at times.
I know it’s wary to say I am realizing the empty place you left in my life has been filled since you’ve come back.
I know it’s wary to say there are some things that cannot be duplicated in a relationship with someone else that I have with you.

But…

I know I will never trust you the same, if I can come trust you at all after everything you put me through.
I know I will never forget everything that happened for it had scarred me for life.
I know I will never be able to go back to how things were and feel like that again.
I know I will never be that little girl who trusted, who believed, who thought her fairytale would never end.

I know I am still trying to heal as I push the pain to the side.
I know I am still trying to accept and move forward from the scar you had left behind.
I know I am still trying to go through my life and find strength to be alright.
Because I know…I am still trying to push past the scar that continues to haunt me day in and day out.

But…

I know you bring a smile to my face as I am able to talk freely with you since…I always have my guard up uncomfortably high with nearly everyone else.
I know you make me feel better when you listen to my struggles and rants since…no one else will listen or puts up with my problems.
I know you give me a sense of well-being because I know you accept me for who I am since…everyone else seems to always be pointing out flaws and pushing me to change, not liking anything about who I truly am.

……what do I say?

I know I’m stressed out with everything that is going on in my life right now.
I know I don’t have much of an escape route, any outlet of any sort.
I know I’m dealing with a lot right now, physically and mentally, and feel overwhelmed some of the times.
I know I have a lot of pressure, a lot of expectations, a lot of…everything, that sometimes I just want to scream.

So, I know I might be too glad that you’re back in my life.
I know I might be too happy that I have someone to talk to who will accept me, listen to me, and be there for me…even if that person is you.
I know I might be too grateful for the little that you go because of everything I’m dealing with, everything that life’s putting me through.

I know I’m welcoming you back with open arms even though I might want to consider being more wary.
I know I’m becoming too excited about talking to you even though I might want to keep my distance.
I know I’m jumping in too far too fast even though I might want to not think of it as anything yet.
I know I’m starting to believe in you again too quick even though I might want to not trust anything right now.

But…

Welcome back. 🙂

April 17: Breath

April 17: Breath

One breath. Two breath. Three breath. Focus.

She sits at her table with her head rested in her hands. She breathes.

One…two…three…four…five…six…seven…eight…nine…ten…she counts.

With ten assignments, four projects, work, chores, and much more, she has too much on her plate. She is overwhelmed with things to do and there is not enough time to get everything done. She knows this too. She can’t do everything, but everything needs to get done.

“Just take a break.” or “It can wait until later.” Her friends constantly tell her. But in her mind, through her eyes, nothing can wait and everything needs to get done NOW.

She’s worried and she scared but no one can help her. She reaches out and no one answers her calls. She looks around but no one is seen in her sight. She’s alone, in her mind.

Working hard every moment she can, she pushes her body to its physical limits. She stays up late at night and wakes up early in the morning, using caffeine and energy drinks to keep her awake. She skips meals and forgets to drink, getting lost in her work as she put her full attention to the screen. She dries her eyes and turns them red, staring at the computer screen all day. She tries to do every single possible thing, forgetting that she needs to listen to her limits.

She pushes her health and pushes herself. She forgets to take a break and forgets to breathe. When she does, she gets better but she only then takes advantage of that to push herself further.

When she does, she can feel weight getting lifted from her heavy shoulders; she can feel the tightness start to vanish away from her chest; she can feel her headaches diminish into thin air. When she does, she gets a break from life and she loves it there.

But then she remembers of all the work she has to do, all the responsibilities life has shoved onto her plate, all her duties she needs to uphold, and everything comes crashing down. Her dream world – where she can just exist and live her life, where she can enjoy herself, where she can BREATHE – turns into darkness and vanishes from her grasp.

She needs to breathe. She needs to take one breath. Once again. But…she doesn’t. She goes back to work. She goes back into her torturous world she yearns to escape from. She goes back in darkness.

She only needed to breathe, take a breath…but she doesn’t. She doesn’t feel she is capable of escaping. She doesn’t feel she deserves to get away. She doesn’t feel like she’s enough.

Breath

A Little Escape

A Little Escape

Overloaded with work, stressed with the lack of time, frustrated with the inability to finish everything to the fullest potential, worried about not making the cut etc., my day is filled with this and that to add onto the workload and stress I have. Everyone has this. But the difference that I’m very, very grateful for is my little escapes from life.

No matter how stressed I am, no matter how hard it is for me to just breathe, I meet him for the day and all my worries seem to go away. Cliche. I know. But it seems so true and so real. All the weight on my shoulders seems light as a feather, the tension in the air that was causing me to have trouble breathing seems to vanished within milliseconds, and huge workload I had seems to not be as much or as impossible to accomplish as before.

No matter how many things I have running through my mind, no matter how busy I am with myself running this way and that, I go into the darkroom for photo and everything else doesn’t seem to matter anymore. I get this time gap where I can focus on what’s in front of me and the things I want to get done. I work, productively, on my prints and my negatives (my photos and my film). I get this little island of peaceful calmness where all the chatter in my head silences. Everything is calm. Everything is quiet. Everything is okay.

These are my little escapes from life.
I don’t add my writing to my list because that isn’t always the effect it has on me. Writing can boost my emotions, causing more of one particular feeling to double in intensity, but writing can also calm my emotions, making me only focus on the one that I actually want to feel. Writing can clutter my thoughts, making the mess in my head ten times worse, or it can be the way everything gets out on paper and vanishes from my mind. Writing can do either or, but the other two have basically the same effect every single time.