For years, I have held this pent up rage. For years, pain have been shoved into a pit I thought was bottomless. I was wrong.
Seeing her in so much pain, reminded me of my own. Feeling all that hurt in the room, uncovered the old wounds that never healed.
I wanted to scream. I wanted to punch something. I wanted to let it all out. But I didn’t dare. Because, what happens when I let the tsunami through? What will be left of me then?
I guess I need a new pit.
My mind is numb. A part of me is silent.
My stare is blank. A part of me is gone.
But they know, there’s so much more than what meets the eye.
I spent the past two hours working on some last assignments for this past semester. I spent the past two hours shoving my screams down the drain, struggling to just feel comfortable in the silence – despite the music blaring in my ears.
But the second I finished, the second the distraction went away, everything came back tenfold.
I couldn’t breathe for a while. I could feel the world spinning around me with everything frozen in time. I could see him standing in front of me, my back against the trunk of a tree. I could feel his hands on my body. I couldn’t scream.
For once, I wish I couldn’t write. I wish I didn’t have all these confusing emotions flooding through me. I wish I didn’t have….this feeling anymore!
I want to go to sleep so I didn’t have to deal with this feeling. But even if I sleep, it won’t go away.
I want to go away.
I sit and stare. At my desktop picture, with nothing else on the screen. At the ceiling above my bed, in the darkness I wish to disappear into. At the white wall by my desk, with enough fury to punch a hole but no energy to move.
My body silently screaming. My mind struggling to deal with the tornado, the tsunami, and the earthquake that is my thoughts tearing up my insides.
But they don’t see the destruction within me. They don’t hear me beating myself up. They don’t see the visions that keep replaying in my mind. They don’t understand everything, anything, that goes on inside me. They don’t understand how much I want to be safe once again…
Safe. I want to feel safe again. I try my best to rewind the good memories from the past couple days. I remember how it felt as my friend held me as I sobbed. I remember his soothing voice telling me it was not my fault. I remember him telling me to get up and found myself in his arms. I remember his voice telling me, again and again, that I was safe now. I remember…feeling safe.
How much I want to feel safe again…
You know what sucks? Wanting to sleep so you don’t feel the pain anymore but finding yourself living more horrors through nightmares you can’t wake up from. I couldn’t wake up.
A close friend hopes that I stop beating myself up over what happened. I had begun to tell him what happened, hoping for someone to tell me it was going to be okay. I’m grateful for him; I will never be able to thank him enough. He told me, over and over, trying to get it through my mind, that it doesn’t matter what people say or how much I beat myself up because it wasn’t my fault. He held me as I sobbed. My entire body was probably shaking. For once, I felt strong to be crying. I needed it so badly that I wasn’t scared to cry. I wasn’t scared that time because I believed he’d hold me together and give me time. When I calmed, he got me on my feet and pulled me into his arms. The warmth soothed my heart. He reassured me again and again that I was safe now. And, in his arms, I believed him.
But when I went to sleep in attempt to run away from my thoughts, somehow they still played in my sleep, in the back of my mind. I couldn’t wake to stop them. I couldn’t shake them out of my mind.
He wanted to fight off the demons in my mind with love. He wanted to shield me from the pain. But I don’t think he ever thought I’d wake up in the mornings with a scream in my throat but no voice to be found.
When you see someone in pain, it’s like looking at a silhouette of them. You see the outline; you see a brief summary of them. You see the outside; you don’t recognize the inside…you can’t.
Sometimes the silhouette still presents the subject’s facial features. Sometimes it still shows everything that is to be seen on the inside. Sometimes the silhouette is black though. Sometimes it is not even a correct representation of everything that’s truly there – the pain, the heartache.
You can’t possibly know what’s going through their mind. You can’t possible understand what they’re going through.
All you see, if even, is the cover that masks the pain and their screams.
All you see when you look at me, if you see anything honest at all, is the exhaustion from the pain. All you see, if you’re looking at all, is a girl who wishes she could disappear.
My mind stopped spinning. My body stopped crying.
Everything just stopped.
The silence is louder than a loaded gun, as James Durbin would say.
The absence of pain is more torturous in the long run.
It’s as if the tornado of thoughts, the whirlwind of panic and fear, the blizzard of confusion, everything just got trapped somewhere.
When you sit down for an exam you’ve studied for endless hours for and your mind goes blank…it doesn’t matter how hard you try or the fact that you know the information is somewhere just beyond the wall, you can’t get to it. That’s what this feels like. My emotions, my thoughts, my pain is just beyond the rainbow but it doesn’t matter how hard I try to force myself to feel, to think, because it’s simply out of my reach.
The calmness should terrify me.
The absence should worry me.
But, in reality, I’m used to this. I’m used to shutting my emotions off when my mind can’t comprehend or handle what I feel. I’m used to pretending to be brave and strong to take someone else under my wing. I’m used to having happiness getting stroke down with a brick wall being slammed into my face.
But somewhere in between the panic and the pain, my body stopped comprehending the world around it. It’s like dumping two pounds of flour onto a cup size funnel and expecting it to work out. You get the flush of ingredients when you initially dump the flour over but it will soon get stuck and it will quickly overflow the system. And leaving it there won’t change anything.
Time won’t change anything if all you do is stare.