No Longer Sorry

No Longer Sorry

I’m no longer going to apologize for knowing I deserve better. I’m no longer going to say sorry because you aren’t what I need. I’m no longer going to stay silent and repress my wants, my needs, and my feelings just so you can say everything’s okay.

Through the last many friendships, and the last couple relationships, I’ve learned a lot about what I need within my relations with others. I’ve learned about what I need. I’ve learned about what I need to walk away from. I’ve learned that I have a say.

I need someone to be supportive and encouraging. I need someone who is very observative. I need someone who is values deep conversations and emotional connections more than physical connections and lust or desire.

I need someone who is willing to be vulnerable. I need someone who will be 100% in the relationship, not someone who will put a foot out the door every time it gets scary.

I need someone I can be myself around, one hundred percent myself around. I need someone who I can be vulnerable with. I need someone who I don’t feel the need to hide from. I need someone who loves me for every piece of who I am.

I need someone I can have fun with. I need someone to engulf in careless days of joy with. I need someone I can be spontaneous with. I need someone who still sees the light in my eyes.

I need someone who thinks I’m beautiful, strong, intelligent. I need someone to push me to grow. I need someone to want the best for me. I need someone to experience life with. I need someone who wants to be there, in my life.

I need someone who tries to understand my pain, when I’m in pain. I need someone who tries to see why there are tears in my eyes, when I cry. I need someone who sees the reason behind my laughter, when I’m having a good time. I need someone who sees me, for everything that I am whether that be the mask I wear or the layers beneath. I need someone who loves me as I am but also encourages me to grow.

I need someone who is willing to be a part of something that will enhance growth. I need someone who is willing to listen to me and talk to me, honestly. I need someone who will be patient with me and understanding, and expect the same from me.

I need someone who is willing to get hurt because being here is worth the risk of a heartbreak at the end.

I need someone to make me feel full of life not an empty soul.

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Carved

Carved

Somewhere between the first time I met you and that last time I read your text ‘goodbye’, I lost myself…or had I ever found myself in the first place?

You were my old friend’s boyfriend. We hit it off and got along super well, a little too well even. I couldn’t help it. I found someone I thought might make a difference in my life. And wow, I was right. You made a difference to me.

You were the first person who I felt truly cared about me beyond the reputations or anyone around me. You saw me for who I was, a broken and lost little girl, and took me under your wing with caution that I’d fly away. You began taking care of me through the years. We got closer and drifted a part, and got closer and then parted ways.

Everyone who knows the story knows it was never that simple but, for the purpose of this writing, let’s keep it that way.

You made me happy but I was always fighting for your attention. You took care of me but sometimes I had to go out of my way to force you to show that concern I needed to see. You wanted the best for me but I found myself walking down a dark road once again.

I never made the best choices. The mind games got to me. The backstabbing made my insecurities grow. The lies made my questioning worse. The facade of a fairytale blinded my eyes and left my heart scarred and scared to ever love again.

I look back and I know I’m not going to forget you; I know I won’t forget what happened way back when. A part of me hates that, but the other part of me knows that’s the way things have to be for me to grow, for me to learn, for me to go beyond everything I used to be.

There were moments that I sent you a ‘goodbye’ text but always found myself going back, as if trying to find a part of myself I had lost within you. I was always so proud of myself when I said goodbye to you but always hated it when I went back to your name on my screen. It was as if I was constantly turning around on a ferris-wheel-like ride as I go on with my life.

Then, the last person I thought would save me did exactly that. I was suddenly freed from the life I wanted to leave behind over a year before I actually did. I cut ties completely and a part of me came back to me. I was extremely proud of myself in those moments that I picked myself back up and kept walking forward.

I wanted to start over. I wanted to begin again. And I finally was able to do that, completely.

But, looking back, I know there will be a weak spot in my heart for those I had once loved. I know there will a part of me who reminiscences some of the good old times. I know there will be a part of me I have to thank you for, whether I hate her or love her. I know there will be nothing I can do to erase what has been said and done.

And, I’m okay with that.

You have your place in my heart, way back there somewhere. You have your place in my thoughts, when I look back to the past and everything I was. And that’s okay. You don’t have a place in my present. You don’t have a place in my life. I wouldn’t want it any other way. But I will admit, your footprint stays on my heart and your scars stay on my skin.

And, that will have to be okay.

After all, you had carved your signature onto my heart.

Carve

“Mine.”

“Mine.”

Snuggled against his chest under the darkness of the room, silence lay between us not heavy nor suffocating but soothing my broken pieces with a midnight glow. His chest against my back, I felt a safeness I have forgotten about. His warmth sparks a fire in my heart that keeps me warm during the coldest night in a long while.

During the day I remember feeling the weakest of the weak. I seemed to hobble my way to my car, unsure that I had the energy to even drive but determined to get through. I wanted to curl up in a ball and shove the world’s problems away. I wanted to melt into a puddle of jello because I didn’t feel as if I could even take an actual breathe of air.

And, no, when I found him with a concerned look on his face, all my troubles didn’t melt away. I even questioned why I had chosen his bed instead of my own. I shook my head at myself not knowing why I wanted to be by his side so damn bad, my heavy heart getting the best of my thoughts.

It was when he held me, as I curled up around a fluffy pillow probably half as big as myself. It was when I felt him gently pull his hand away from where our fingers were intertwined, trying his best to not wake me. It was when I cuddle back into his arms as he returned to me. It was the glimmer of joy in his eyes as he watched me get my things to leave for the night, not seeming disappointed that I had fallen asleep during our time together. It was the tight hug I received as if he didn’t want to let me go.

It was in those moments, of insane exhaustion and meaningful silence, that I felt a connection building between us.

I’ll be honest. I don’t think I would have ever believed any soul who told me he could make me feel strong in my weakest times. I don’t think I would have ever trusted anyone who said he would be the knight in shinning armor I’ve dreamed of ever since my first princess story. I would still not believe anyone who says he’ll be my happily ever after. I would still not believe anyone who says he’s everything I’ve waited for.

Not because that isn’t what a heart in love would want, not because of all the pain this heart has gone through, not even close. But because who the heck knows about his and my tomorrow? Who is going to say they can write our future for us and argue to take the pen straight out of our hands? Anyone want to raise their hand, because I will make sure I’m real clear about that fact that no one else has the right to write this future except for the ones in it. And, that night, started the spark in my cold little heart that gives me hope and excitement to write this future out with him.

It isn’t how romantic he is, it isn’t that life feels like a fairytale when I’m with him, and it definitely isn’t because I know him like the back of my hand. But it’s the moments where I can be sure I have a place in his heart. And during that night, I know I did.

Silent

Weak Spot

Weak Spot

We all have that particular love whose flame will never burn out. People say it’s your ‘first love’; others say it’s the love that changed you the most. I say, it’s every love that forced you to grow.

Don’t get me wrong, loving them and being in love with them are two different things. Loving them and wanting to be with them are not always correlated. This rings true when I look back and realize how many people I still love.

Khang – We had the most unhealthy relationship I’ve ever experienced, in friendship or in relationship. But, in some twisted way, I had believed we would still make it through. Looking back, I can still say there’s a fire in me that burns for you. I hope you have the best life you deserve. I hope you find true happiness without your demons following in your head. I hope you find forgiveness in your heart and learn to love yourself; you deserve at least that much.

D.J.M. – We were stuck in a fairytale-like honeymoon whose end was inevitable. Somewhere, deep inside, we both knew we were not meant to be but I had wanted to fight for us because it’s in my nature…I fight for what I love. And, in doing so, I hurt us both more than either of us deserved. Being with you shined light on a part of me I hadn’t known was still there. You showed me I am capable of being forgiven and loved once more. Thank you. I hope you find that good Christian good who will be there with you until the end of time.

To both of you, whether it had been under or over a year since I’ve seen you, there will always be a soft spot in my heart for you. It scares the hell out of me, but I know it’s okay.

You see, these particular loves changed me. I learned things about myself I probably wouldn’t have learned elsewhere in such a manner. I got shown things I thought I wouldn’t have seen. I went into each of these relationships a little different and came out of each one of them as someone different.

Whether it had been that I learned that I was truly not alone, living a life I only thought I was going through, or that I learned I was capable of forgiving myself for things I thought I’d never let go, I changed. Now, looking back, I wonder if I had changed them somehow. But, more importantly, I wonder if they’re in a better place in their lives by now.

For those who still hate their ex to the bone, I can’t understand what you go through. I couldn’t imagine looking back at those who hurt me so and have that blackhole of pain still inside me. I have been hurt and my heart has been broken, but I look back and see the young men I had fallen in love with. These of the people we once loved for a reason, the people we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with at a certain point, the people we would do almost anything to spend one more day with to see them laugh and be happy. These are the people who made us feel irreplaceable, the people who gave us strength to face the world when we were down on our knees, the people who loved us to the moon and back. When I remember all the unforgettable memories we had created together, I realize that I wouldn’t regret or take back that love for anything in the world because, in that moment in my life, they meant the world to me and they still are a treasure I hold close to heart.

They are…those loves whose fire will burn for eternity.

Particular

Confused and Exhausted. Physically and Mentally.

Confused and Exhausted. Physically and Mentally.

Having to remember you truly do not know the person you are falling for is definitely difficult when he is constantly the person you want to share your life with. When I get to a point where I want the entire world to disappear around me in order for my mind to rest, I would rather be in his arms and in his bed than my own house and my own room. When I get excited, it’s most likely because I am going to see him later that day. When I feel emotions other than exhaustion and overwhelmed, he seems to be related somehow.

Sometimes it feels as if I trusted him way too fast and gave him parts of me I would have never given someone else. Sometimes it feels as if I invested more than I ever meant to at this point in our relationship. Because when I look at him, I see the adoration and I see the desire, but I am not sure if I am the girl he wants to devote his life to being with.

Whenever he reminds me how many days it has been since we first talked, it feels like a slap in the face. In the moment, we are sharing a part of our lives with the other and I feel like I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. But when he says that, and when he says he doesn’t know what he wants, it scares me. I know what heartbreak feels like; I know how he must’ve felt when he got betrayed in his last relationship; I know what pain feels like; I know what it is to be scared to trust someone with your heart again. But his actions say he’s in this, with his whole heart, but when it comes down to is and he says the words that cut deep…I don’t know what to say or feel anymore.

I don’t want to pull away from him because he does not deserve that. I want to be there for him and continue to show him love is not always painful and full of betrayal or drama. I want to show him that someone can love with unconditionally. I want to show him that he deserves the love like in the fairytale books. I want to show him that love can be ‘forever and always’.

But I don’t know if he’s ready.
I have a lot on my plate and he’s been insanely understanding and thoughtful. But at the same time, I feel as if I don’t have time for him at the moment. He’s still trying to learn of the person I am. I am still trying to learn everything about who he is. But when that is intertwined with events in which I need someone who absolutely knows me, it’s exhausting. I don’t know what to do because we both feel as if we’ve known each other for months, or even years, yet it’s only been 20 days? I’m putting too much on his shoulders but I don’t want to walk away and look elsewhere, possibly making him feel as if he did something wrong or as if he is not wanted anymore.

-goes back to sleep-

Sorry Not Sorry

Sorry Not Sorry

I am sorry I care about what other people think. I am sorry I grew up in an environment in which all that mattered was what other people thought. I am sorry that is how I was raised. I am sorry that is how I have become. I am sorry you have to deal with me.

I get worked up. I get emotional. I get bothered by people’s reactions. I get nervous to see what people think. Doesn’t everyone? Apparently not you.

I am sorry I got so worried when you sister fractured and broke her wrist that I felt nauseous enough to vomit. I am sorry I got worked up and annoyed when my sister gave me a weird look that told me she didn’t want me to go to the ER with you and your sister. I am sorry I got annoyed when you kept laughing off her injury as if it were a joke. I am sorry I yelled at you when my emotions built up. I am sorry I got sensitive. I am sorry I got hurt. I am sorry I was 100% myself.

I am sorry I am pleased to hear my sister likes you and is happy that I am happy. I am sorry that it bugs me when you cursed ten times more when you were around her students…her co-workers….her boyfriend….her! I am sorry that I talked to you about the cursing afterwards. I am sorry that I want my friends and family to like you.

I am sorry that it bugs me when I think you’re being rude to your mom. I am sorry that it sometimes feels as if you just want my body. I am sorry I got upset when you called me as if I were a dog. I am sorry I can’t simply laugh everything off. I am sorry I got ticked off when you didn’t let me study when I specifically told you I had a lot to do.

I am so sorry if all of this bothers you.

Oh, wait, I shouldn’t be apologizing…but, I still do.

Dubious

Despite knowing my writing is an insight to the person I am, despite wanting you to have a deeper understanding of some things that still affect me today, despite wishing for an easier way to express my thoughts, I hesitate to give you the key to my mind. This is, after all, the place where I am the truest version of myself. To connect a simple ‘author’ title to my actual name and the person you can physically see every day, is to have the power over secrets I may still hold.

If you, the person reading this, know who I am beyond the complex screens we call computers, you mean something to me. And whether you still read my posts still to this day, may say something about where I stand with you…or maybe not.

-> To the obnoxious young man who wears a ring on his hand, I’m happy for you as I’ve always been since we had the talk that night. I know you are an amazing father just as you are an incredible husband to a very lucky young woman. I wish you the best wherever life may take you. I hope we stay in touch.

-> To the special young woman who can never bother remembering her classmates’ names, as she refers to each and every one as “that (other) guy”, I hope you never change. As our lives seem to overlap more and more, I look forward to becoming closer to your family. And, no matter what happens, know that I’ll always be here for you.

-> To the strong, independent young almost-graduate who had made the last two years of my high school career easier to live through, you know I would do anything to help you if I could. I wish you the best as you decide which paths you want to walk down as you exit high school. I wish you the best when you have to face telling your family of your decision. Do know I will always be here for you.

-> To the sassy young woman who had been there through my very painful last heartbreak, and who prays for me to be a little more selfish, I miss you. The busy schedules we both have clash way too much and we never get to see each other anymore. But, despite, like you said, we’ll never stop being there for the other. I wish you the best, and I hope we keep in touch even if I move.

-> To my last heartbreak, I hope you’re happy and you’re okay wherever you are in your life right now. You deserve a good Christian girl who shares your passion and can walk through life with you no matter where you go. I hope you started your path to teaching, like you’ve always wanted. I wish you the best as you continue down your journey. Never forget to stop and take a breath.

-> To the awkward young man who I can constantly call up to have some company while studying at school, I really hope you discover what it is that you want to do with your life. I know sometimes ignoring the elephant in the room can lead to a more pleasant lifestyle, but you will have to face the question you hesitate to answer. I wish I could help, but your life is in your hands. Good luck.