Weak Spot

Weak Spot

We all have that particular love whose flame will never burn out. People say it’s your ‘first love’; others say it’s the love that changed you the most. I say, it’s every love that forced you to grow.

Don’t get me wrong, loving them and being in love with them are two different things. Loving them and wanting to be with them are not always correlated. This rings true when I look back and realize how many people I still love.

Khang – We had the most unhealthy relationship I’ve ever experienced, in friendship or in relationship. But, in some twisted way, I had believed we would still make it through. Looking back, I can still say there’s a fire in me that burns for you. I hope you have the best life you deserve. I hope you find true happiness without your demons following in your head. I hope you find forgiveness in your heart and learn to love yourself; you deserve at least that much.

D.J.M. – We were stuck in a fairytale-like honeymoon whose end was inevitable. Somewhere, deep inside, we both knew we were not meant to be but I had wanted to fight for us because it’s in my nature…I fight for what I love. And, in doing so, I hurt us both more than either of us deserved. Being with you shined light on a part of me I hadn’t known was still there. You showed me I am capable of being forgiven and loved once more. Thank you. I hope you find that good Christian good who will be there with you until the end of time.

To both of you, whether it had been under or over a year since I’ve seen you, there will always be a soft spot in my heart for you. It scares the hell out of me, but I know it’s okay.

You see, these particular loves changed me. I learned things about myself I probably wouldn’t have learned elsewhere in such a manner. I got shown things I thought I wouldn’t have seen. I went into each of these relationships a little different and came out of each one of them as someone different.

Whether it had been that I learned that I was truly not alone, living a life I only thought I was going through, or that I learned I was capable of forgiving myself for things I thought I’d never let go, I changed. Now, looking back, I wonder if I had changed them somehow. But, more importantly, I wonder if they’re in a better place in their lives by now.

For those who still hate their ex to the bone, I can’t understand what you go through. I couldn’t imagine looking back at those who hurt me so and have that blackhole of pain still inside me. I have been hurt and my heart has been broken, but I look back and see the young men I had fallen in love with. These of the people we once loved for a reason, the people we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with at a certain point, the people we would do almost anything to spend one more day with to see them laugh and be happy. These are the people who made us feel irreplaceable, the people who gave us strength to face the world when we were down on our knees, the people who loved us to the moon and back. When I remember all the unforgettable memories we had created together, I realize that I wouldn’t regret or take back that love for anything in the world because, in that moment in my life, they meant the world to me and they still are a treasure I hold close to heart.

They are…those loves whose fire will burn for eternity.

Particular

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Confused and Exhausted. Physically and Mentally.

Confused and Exhausted. Physically and Mentally.

Having to remember you truly do not know the person you are falling for is definitely difficult when he is constantly the person you want to share your life with. When I get to a point where I want the entire world to disappear around me in order for my mind to rest, I would rather be in his arms and in his bed than my own house and my own room. When I get excited, it’s most likely because I am going to see him later that day. When I feel emotions other than exhaustion and overwhelmed, he seems to be related somehow.

Sometimes it feels as if I trusted him way too fast and gave him parts of me I would have never given someone else. Sometimes it feels as if I invested more than I ever meant to at this point in our relationship. Because when I look at him, I see the adoration and I see the desire, but I am not sure if I am the girl he wants to devote his life to being with.

Whenever he reminds me how many days it has been since we first talked, it feels like a slap in the face. In the moment, we are sharing a part of our lives with the other and I feel like I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. But when he says that, and when he says he doesn’t know what he wants, it scares me. I know what heartbreak feels like; I know how he must’ve felt when he got betrayed in his last relationship; I know what pain feels like; I know what it is to be scared to trust someone with your heart again. But his actions say he’s in this, with his whole heart, but when it comes down to is and he says the words that cut deep…I don’t know what to say or feel anymore.

I don’t want to pull away from him because he does not deserve that. I want to be there for him and continue to show him love is not always painful and full of betrayal or drama. I want to show him that someone can love with unconditionally. I want to show him that he deserves the love like in the fairytale books. I want to show him that love can be ‘forever and always’.

But I don’t know if he’s ready.
I have a lot on my plate and he’s been insanely understanding and thoughtful. But at the same time, I feel as if I don’t have time for him at the moment. He’s still trying to learn of the person I am. I am still trying to learn everything about who he is. But when that is intertwined with events in which I need someone who absolutely knows me, it’s exhausting. I don’t know what to do because we both feel as if we’ve known each other for months, or even years, yet it’s only been 20 days? I’m putting too much on his shoulders but I don’t want to walk away and look elsewhere, possibly making him feel as if he did something wrong or as if he is not wanted anymore.

-goes back to sleep-

Sorry Not Sorry

Sorry Not Sorry

I am sorry I care about what other people think. I am sorry I grew up in an environment in which all that mattered was what other people thought. I am sorry that is how I was raised. I am sorry that is how I have become. I am sorry you have to deal with me.

I get worked up. I get emotional. I get bothered by people’s reactions. I get nervous to see what people think. Doesn’t everyone? Apparently not you.

I am sorry I got so worried when you sister fractured and broke her wrist that I felt nauseous enough to vomit. I am sorry I got worked up and annoyed when my sister gave me a weird look that told me she didn’t want me to go to the ER with you and your sister. I am sorry I got annoyed when you kept laughing off her injury as if it were a joke. I am sorry I yelled at you when my emotions built up. I am sorry I got sensitive. I am sorry I got hurt. I am sorry I was 100% myself.

I am sorry I am pleased to hear my sister likes you and is happy that I am happy. I am sorry that it bugs me when you cursed ten times more when you were around her students…her co-workers….her boyfriend….her! I am sorry that I talked to you about the cursing afterwards. I am sorry that I want my friends and family to like you.

I am sorry that it bugs me when I think you’re being rude to your mom. I am sorry that it sometimes feels as if you just want my body. I am sorry I got upset when you called me as if I were a dog. I am sorry I can’t simply laugh everything off. I am sorry I got ticked off when you didn’t let me study when I specifically told you I had a lot to do.

I am so sorry if all of this bothers you.

Oh, wait, I shouldn’t be apologizing…but, I still do.

Dubious

Despite knowing my writing is an insight to the person I am, despite wanting you to have a deeper understanding of some things that still affect me today, despite wishing for an easier way to express my thoughts, I hesitate to give you the key to my mind. This is, after all, the place where I am the truest version of myself. To connect a simple ‘author’ title to my actual name and the person you can physically see every day, is to have the power over secrets I may still hold.

If you, the person reading this, know who I am beyond the complex screens we call computers, you mean something to me. And whether you still read my posts still to this day, may say something about where I stand with you…or maybe not.

-> To the obnoxious young man who wears a ring on his hand, I’m happy for you as I’ve always been since we had the talk that night. I know you are an amazing father just as you are an incredible husband to a very lucky young woman. I wish you the best wherever life may take you. I hope we stay in touch.

-> To the special young woman who can never bother remembering her classmates’ names, as she refers to each and every one as “that (other) guy”, I hope you never change. As our lives seem to overlap more and more, I look forward to becoming closer to your family. And, no matter what happens, know that I’ll always be here for you.

-> To the strong, independent young almost-graduate who had made the last two years of my high school career easier to live through, you know I would do anything to help you if I could. I wish you the best as you decide which paths you want to walk down as you exit high school. I wish you the best when you have to face telling your family of your decision. Do know I will always be here for you.

-> To the sassy young woman who had been there through my very painful last heartbreak, and who prays for me to be a little more selfish, I miss you. The busy schedules we both have clash way too much and we never get to see each other anymore. But, despite, like you said, we’ll never stop being there for the other. I wish you the best, and I hope we keep in touch even if I move.

-> To my last heartbreak, I hope you’re happy and you’re okay wherever you are in your life right now. You deserve a good Christian girl who shares your passion and can walk through life with you no matter where you go. I hope you started your path to teaching, like you’ve always wanted. I wish you the best as you continue down your journey. Never forget to stop and take a breath.

-> To the awkward young man who I can constantly call up to have some company while studying at school, I really hope you discover what it is that you want to do with your life. I know sometimes ignoring the elephant in the room can lead to a more pleasant lifestyle, but you will have to face the question you hesitate to answer. I wish I could help, but your life is in your hands. Good luck.

How do you get over getting told everything that ever meant anything to you during the past several years was a lie? a facade? fake?

Stupid.

Why did I believe them when they said they were my friends? Why did I trust them when they said they cared? Why did I pour my heart out to them when they hated me?

It doesn’t make sense.

Why stay around someone and pretend to be their friend? Why stick by someone’s side and convince them that you are there for them? Why pretend to be genuine and understanding when you complain about them behind their back?

Stupid.

Why did I believe I had a “family” in the friends? Why did I trust that they would forgive me and let me turn over a new leaf? Why did I expect them to see how much I’ve changed?

Stupid.

Why did I hope for our friendships to last? Why did I dream about future plans when they didn’t want anything to do with me? Why did I believe that we would be okay even though they were holding a dagger to my back?

Stupid.

I know I’ve made mistakes. I know it’s been some time.
I know I’ve angered some people. I know true friendship is hard to find.
I know I’ve ruined things. I know a broken plate can’t be mended with the words ‘I’m sorry’.

But…

I know time has passed. I know I’ve grown up a little more.
I know I’m trying my best to do what’s right. I know I’m doing the best I can.
I know I’ve changed from the past. I know I see in a different light.

I believe someone can change, especially when someone else is there to guide them.

Narrow Window

Narrow Window

You were one of the very few people who intrigued me at work the first days I was there. I knew you were one of the “more experienced”, “more authorized”, or “more knowledgable” folk who have sticked around for some time. You had relationships with the others. You stuck with your group, the ones you knew, and kind of left the newbies (like me) to our own business.

You weren’t upset when asked a question, you never argued when told to help out one of the new recruits, but there was always something about your attitude that told me you had a disdain attitude about it. You were a little isolated at the same time you were connected with the other members of your “group”. It was interesting watching you interact with those who you had to call your co-workers.

When we started talking, something about opportunities I was handed led to pry a little to what could be of a relationship between you and me. Turned out you were taking one of my classes, needed help with a subject I had come to like during my first few years in school, and I could lend you a hand during a time you were struggling a little.

Today, you still intrigue me. There’s something deeper within your light-hearted attitude. There’s something darker within those nonchalant shrugs and half-chuckles.

Out of any of the new recruits you’ve seen come and go at work, I was one of the rare few you’ve ever really interacted with. Out of the hundreds of other students, other peers on campus, I was one of the people you felt like you could trust and build a friendship with. Within the hectic rush of the first several weeks of classes, you were the one person who made me feel as if I could slow down and take a deep breath. Within all the worries and stresses running through my tormented mind, something about you felt stable and slightly secure.

I don’t know if it’s chance or it’s what people call “fate” that we met during the times that we did. I met you right after I got more stable with my own life and what my goals are for the next year or two. You met me right before you made a huge change in course to your plans and your future. We crossed paths at seemingly a very narrow window where both our lives overlapped in the sense that we were changing our lives.

I don’t know if this friendship is going to last, but it’s not a friendship made by coincidence but was made with purpose. It may be a purpose unknown to both of us, but a purpose hides behind the curtains.

Coincidence

Wake up. Realize There’s More.

Wake up. Realize There’s More.

I’m sick and tired of being played. I’m sick and tired of being tortured, manipulated, used. I’m sick and tired of trying to make something meaningful, and getting bullshit in return.

To the young females and males out there, who know what it’s like and who are trying their uttermost best to change something about the worlds around them for the better:

I salute you. It doesn’t seem it matters how many times our hearts get torn out of our chests and beaten with wood. It doesn’t seem to make a difference how many strangers walk into our lives and turn it upside down. And it doesn’t matter how the world around us tells us to give up, because we all know, deep down in our hearts, that we will never stop fighting for good. Whether that battle be within ourselves, between our minds and hearts, or between those who we are supposed to be standing beside, we will not stop fighting.

But I’m getting tired. I have to admit, I’m getting sick and tired of all the hurt and the pain that comes from hoping for too much too soon and having too much faith in what’s not there.

When I see that there is potential somewhere, sometimes I jump at the opportunity to turn it into something meaningful right off the bat. When I see there is light in someone’s heart, that spark in someone’s eyes, I pray for them to be able to keep that for the rest of eternity. When I feel something, when there’s a moment in life where I wish I could replay it over and over again, I know there is still something surrounding all of us that is more than the everyday worries we all have running through our minds. There’s something more than what jobs we have, how successful we are money wise, or what kinds of opportunities for fame we missed; the friendships we have, the relationships we love, the human connections we live for…that is more than anything and everything that exists in both mind and body.

But…why do we, as a society, raise up the importance of “connections” in the business world and letter grades on courses about knowledge rather than human connections with one another as human beings and all those lovely moments we all wish to relive once again.

On the top of my head I can name a few:

  • The first time he called me ‘baby’ when I was riding in the front seat of his car.
  • The first time I won an art competition with a photograph that completely represented who I was.
  • The times he held my hand as we walked down the street talking and laughing about anything and everything that came to mind.
  • The times he said ‘forever and a day’ because it was a cute catch phrase he had way back when.
  • The times I’d find myself laughing so hard that my stomach hurt and all my friends were laughing just as loud around me.
  • The times my parents and siblings could finally cook a meal together without someone trying to eat another’s ear off.
  • The last time my mom told me she was proud of me, despite my having to ask her first.
  • The last time I simply sat with a friend and told them a bit of who I am and what I’m made of.
  • The last time I felt as if I was home when I was in someone else’s arms.
  • The last time I felt safe just with the presence of someone else I truly trusted.

Those are the moments, those are the things, those are the feelings we should be holding onto…not the trophies we won, not the certificates that just became pieces of paper, not that million dollar toilet painted yellow, not the labels we, as a society, give each other as ‘titles’ of our accomplishments as if the title means more than the knowledge itself.

I’m sick and tired of people laughing at, or joking around about, or teasing someone over how ‘sensitive’ they are to their relationships with those around them. I’m sick and tired of people making relationships sound like “decorations for Christmas” or “a center piece for the table”. It’s not the accessories that we don’t always need…it’s the structure of everything that is our lives and everything that should really mean a damn to you.