Dear Me (of the Future)

Dear Me (of the Future)

I hope you have found a way to be happy without needing distractions to avert your attention from any emotional or mental pain.
I hope you have found a way out of your physical pain and the chains that once tied your feet to the ground.
I hope you have found a way to love yourself the way your first love did.
I hope you have survived all the pain that I am going through and you are living somewhere out there, in the future, as a new and improved me who has learned more than I can ever imagine.

I hope you can hold your head high when people ask what you do for living and smile when you tell them of work.
I hope you can smile and laugh freely without having to fake your happiness for the world to believe that you are okay.
I hope you can breathe when you are sitting in your house without the pressure and tension that use to grasp at your heart and soul.
I hope you can speak your mind without being torn down and shoved into a corner by everyone, even your family.

I hope you have stable friends around you who you know you can count on and trust to be there.
I hope you have friends who accept you, encourage you, and love you for the person you are – flaws and all.
I hope you have friends who live life with you and don’t hide secrets from you.
I hope you have friends who mean well and don’t do you harm.

I hope you can walk outside without being paranoid of someone following you, someone having bad intensions.
I hope you can calmly talk to people without wanting to put up your walls, walk away, or hide your true self.
I hope you can focus on your work and studies without being scared of what people would think if you work too hard or not enough, get too great of grades or too bad of grades, or work too fast or too slow.
I hope you can tell people you are okay and you are looking forward to the next couple years of your life without having to lie and pretend as if everything is okay.

I hope you have come to peace with your past, all your struggles you’ve been through, all your mistakes that you’ve made, etc.
I hope you have learned to look forward in life instead of just around you or behind.
I hope you have accepted yourself, flaws and all.
I hope you have found whatever it is that I believe is missing from my life and embraced it in yours.

I hope you are okay.
I hope your life has come together more.
I hope you have a stable and strong support system like you always wanted.
I hope you are truly happy with life.
I hope you are okay.

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BookStore Boy

BookStore Boy

Shit. I should’ve brought water for medicine.

I rushed out of the room and down the stairs, heading out of the library. I fumbled with my bag, trying to get my wallet out while walking, after I noticed I only had a little bit of time before my next class. Damnit….why did I do this today?

Walking into the bookstore, I took into my surroundings and shyly walked around a young man in order to see where the bottled water was. After grabbing a bottle, I waited to the side and noticed a lady was waiting next to me already. I let her proceed first, fidgeting with the bottle as I got nervous about being late for the discussion. The cashier looked at me and probably saw how nervous I was. A young girl soon replaced the lady who was standing next to me and went before me – even thought it was clear that I had been there first.

When I went up to the cashier, he smiled and we went through the motions.

“Is this all?”

“Yes, thank you.”

“That will be….”

I pulled out the cash and handed it to him, still uncomfortably restless.

“How do you think you did on the test?” He suddenly asked.

“What? What test?” I looked up at him surprised.

Maybe he thought it was slightly amusing how I reacted and asked, “Aren’t you in my —- class?”

“This morning?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh yeah!” I said, probably too loudly, “Yeah, I think I did okay. What about you?”

The conversation continued briefly, distracting me from how close my next class was. It gave me the short amount of time I needed to let my body relax a bit. I felt weight come off my shoulders and smiled.

I walked out of the bookstore feeling a lot better. This young man, who I had never spoke to before, took initiative and talked to me. He also calmed me and…made my day, whether he knew it or not.

-Cheers, to the little things, to the young man who brought a smile on my face on a very stressful day.

Friends. Bye? No.

Friends. Bye? No.

I wonder how y’all are doing – at each of the colleges you attend. I wonder what you thought of your first few classes, your first week, your first classmates, your first teachers, your first time getting lost in such a big campus, your first time looking around and seeing a nearly empty campus unlike the one you’d see in high school. I wonder what you’re doing – are you overwhelmed or are your teachers taking it slow? I wonder where you have been going – do you stay on campus, in the library or outside, or head straight home to the comforts of your room?

I don’t speak to many of you. I only speak to one on a regular basis actually and another here and there. Acquaintance relationships have died down and only the closer ones have survived even just the summer before first quarter/semester. It’s a shame but yet I am relieved.

There is no more pretending as if I want to talk to them or hang out because I’m busy with classes and transitioning myself. There is no more acting as if I care about the million of things that go on in their lives. There is no more trying to get along with someone you dread being around but have to because of mutual friends. There is no more high school….that – would you call it drama?

But I wonder how y’all are doing – the group of friends I stuck around, not always being close to every single one of you at the same time, the group of friends who had been there for each other through so many ups and downs that there are too many to count, the group of friends that had always been supportive and encouraging as well as blunt and helpful. I wonder what you think of your campuses. I wonder what you look forward to in whichever classes you had decided to take. I wonder if your sleep has gone down already, stress levels up, and eating habits poor. I wonder if you suddenly changed into the typical college student we’d hear stories about in our high school years.

I want to reach out to you guys – and I do – but there are also that sense of business in my life right now, the determination to focus on school, etc. I will reach out to you – I already have – but I hope that you guys will also reach out to me too without me having to say the first sentence or make the first move.

Staying in touch with you guys is something I want to accomplish. I don’t want our memories to end in high school. I don’t want to look back and realize you are only a memory to me now – or a distant friend. I don’t want the line we always here, “You will forget about all your high school friends when you get into college.” to come true. I don’t want to prove them right years from now because they had always said, “It won’t matter in 2 or 5 years from now.” talking about the relationships we had, the drama we faced, the hardships we helped each other through, etc.

I know we will all be busy with classes and transitioning and finding our own paths in life – our own place in this world – but if this friendship – our relationship – had meant as much as you made it seem then you will reach out to me to try and continue it just as I will do too.

Summer is Coming

Summer is Coming

Days become longer but seem to past by faster. Summer is here and this is the one year I wish to push the season back ’til next month…or even next year if ever possible. I don’t want summer to be here.

I’ll miss the cold chills of fall and winter. I’ll miss the comfort of spring. I’ll miss the constantly company within the campus walls.

I don’t want goodbyes to come. I don’t want the year to end. I don’t want the separation to start becoming true.

The faces I see down everyday will soon become a memory. The conversations we had, and the ones we never got to have, will soon flow past us with the wind. The moments we cherished and the memories we made will soon become of the past as we move forward with our lives and take what we can into the next chapter, the next pages.

It is unknown what will become of us. It is unknown what will occur even in the near future. There might be excitement and joy, but there might be pain and sorrow.

I do not wish for it to come so early. I never believed this would come so fast. We all knew it would happen despite all odds, but none of us wanted it to show up at our doors…we all wanted this experience to last.

Goodbyes to the campus. Goodbyes to the friends. Goodbyes to the parents and staff who had helped us through all the tough days and helped us keep walking until the end. Goodbyes to the campus. Goodbyes to the treasure.

Goodbye to our old life as we move on down the road to forever.

I’ll miss the place and I do not know when I’ll return. I’ll miss everything I’m leaving behind and hope one day it’ll still be here for me to say…hi. I’ll miss it here…

It changed a part of me. It brought out new parts of me and it buried others. Everything that happened here has molded me into the person I am today. I will never forget all the lessons I learned and all the memories that, in my heart, will stay.

I don’t want to say goodbye but if I must…I will say “until I see you again”. I have hope we will meet, even if we part ways, in the future and restart this life together again. I have faith that everything will be okay.

A Chance Not Everyone Gets

A Chance Not Everyone Gets

After my life has turned upside down from a dream that I was living, I was struggling to simply get through the day with a smile on. But as I found my friends and got my fingers typing out stories again, I was more happy and felt like I belonged a little bit more. You would think that when all that has pasted and I am happy again, I would want to stay where I am. No, that’s not the case. 

The school I’ve been wanting to apply to is still there. The deadline for applications are coming soon and I want to get in before it’s too late. There are chances at the school I don’t see anywhere else for someone like me. It’s an art school that many of my friends are currently attending and are loving it there. The year before I was planning to apply but it was too late to send in an application when I discovered that i wanted to go.

The students there learn from professionals in the category that they personally love. There are many different departments and many different classes that you could attend. The school schedule is a little bit different then what I’m use to, but that’s the price I have to pay to get this kind of opportunity.

Even though i don’t plan on making my future based on the arts, I still have that passion and love that’s growing for it. Learning at this school, from these people and with these students would be like a dream come true. Walking around in normal streets, I don’t meet many people who share my passion and love. That’s part of the reason why this school is so different. Everyone who is like me, or something like me, are gathered together to learn from the best. I think that’s a chance I can’t just let go by without taking a risk and leaping for it.

It’s definitely a chance not everyone gets. It’s a chance that I’m not going to sit around and watch disappear. 

If you are like me and have a love for the arts, leave a comment and maybe you have the exact same chance that I do without even knowing it’s there. If you do, we’ll take the leap together and hope for the best.

Wish us luck 🙂