My mind stopped spinning. My body stopped crying.
Everything just stopped.
The silence is louder than a loaded gun, as James Durbin would say.
The absence of pain is more torturous in the long run.
It’s as if the tornado of thoughts, the whirlwind of panic and fear, the blizzard of confusion, everything just got trapped somewhere.
When you sit down for an exam you’ve studied for endless hours for and your mind goes blank…it doesn’t matter how hard you try or the fact that you know the information is somewhere just beyond the wall, you can’t get to it. That’s what this feels like. My emotions, my thoughts, my pain is just beyond the rainbow but it doesn’t matter how hard I try to force myself to feel, to think, because it’s simply out of my reach.
The calmness should terrify me.
The absence should worry me.
But, in reality, I’m used to this. I’m used to shutting my emotions off when my mind can’t comprehend or handle what I feel. I’m used to pretending to be brave and strong to take someone else under my wing. I’m used to having happiness getting stroke down with a brick wall being slammed into my face.
But somewhere in between the panic and the pain, my body stopped comprehending the world around it. It’s like dumping two pounds of flour onto a cup size funnel and expecting it to work out. You get the flush of ingredients when you initially dump the flour over but it will soon get stuck and it will quickly overflow the system. And leaving it there won’t change anything.
Time won’t change anything if all you do is stare.
The silence that sounds like a tornado in my head, a million busy bees swarming around in their individual paths, a rain storm hitting a microphone as big as a football field creating the loudest white noise you could ever hear…is back.
I stare out of the library window and silently watch the outsiders walk to their destinations without really seeing them beyond the piece of glass. I stare, almost frozen, my eyes locked on am ambiguous object that is most likely not even registering in my mind. I stare, thinking thoughts I cannot understand, feeling emotions I cannot decipher. I stare, barring the silence of my mind.
What do you do when a million thoughts run through your mind but not a single word makes it out of your mouth? What do you do when all you yearn for is to be understood, to be loved, to be wanted?
I stare at the blank screen in front of me and know that I can fill it with words, but when I look into his eyes I can’t manage to make a sound. I look down to the keys on my keyboard and know which ones to hit to make the sentence flow, but when I’m sitting in front of him the blank wooden table is all I know. I hear my thoughts and I know there are a million things that I want to say, but when it comes time to…express myself…I get stuck on what words I want to say.
I stumble over my tongue. I choke on my words. I can’t…
I feel the tears fall from my eyes, more than I ever have felt before. I feel the pain grow in my heart, the pain that is aching in my chest. I curl up in a ball and hug the thing blanket close to my chest, and feel my body shake. I open text messages, but don’t know what to type. I open up my list of contacts wanting to call someone, but don’t know what to say. Where do I go from here?
I stare up at the ceiling from my bed. I feel how heavy my heart it. I want to say something. I know I want to say a lot. I’m trapped between not knowing where to start and not knowing what to say at all.