Battles Between

Battles Between

I want someone to be there to share my experiences with through college.
I want to be left alone in order to stay focused on my busy schedule.

I want someone to hang out with and talk to for hours without end.
I want to be able to get all my things done without feeling overwhelmed.

I want someone to yearn to understand me and know every perk about me.
I want to be a mystery and just have my own kind of world.

I want to enjoy someone’s company while I go through this fast-paced life.
I get overwhelmed by people’s presence when I’m trying to get things done.

It seems as if it is a constant battle between wanting a partner in life and wanting to be left alone. I yearn for company when I’ve spent too much time in solitude working on things, but then I get overwhelmed by my friends’ energy as they jump here and there with thoughts on random topics.

I want someone to share the crazy things that happen throughout the day.
I want a calm and fulfilling life with no drama and difficult circumstances.

I want someone to tell me stories about what goes on in their days.
I want to have meaningful conversations about the world around us not meaningless banter.

I want someone to plan hang outs with and spend quality time with.
I want to be in the comfort of my house without the loud city life around me blazing in my ears.

I want someone to be there when I need someone and support me through it all.
I want to be independent and a strong individual who can take care of herself.

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April 28: Solitude

April 28: Solitude

The silence around me, the emptiness, and the calmness of every thing in being alone calms me yet is sometimes dangerous to me. Sometimes the experience is torturous – being trapped in silence, in an empty room, with nothing but myself and my dark thoughts – but other times it recharges my energy and allows me to recollect myself from the harshness of life.

When I am alone, I am allowed to do anything I please. I am given the opportunity to deal with a lot of things that I would not be able to when I am around company. There are times that being along makes me more productive, calm, and at ease. In solitude, I do not have to worry about keeping someone else company, someone else’s needs, or what someone else would think of me. In a way, being along comes with a certain feeling of being free.

When I am around people, with most people, I have my guard up. I am observative to make sure everyone’s needs are being met. I study people and watch others. I worry more about what it is that I am doing and how that gets seen by those around me. I almost lose my ability to relax completely due to the fact that I constantly have eyes on me. Sometimes this is a good thing – like when I am slipping into the dark side – but other times it feels suffocating.

That is when I wish to be alone, when I feel suffocated around others. But being alone, to me, can also be very dangerous if I am in the wrong state of mind. Like I said before, the experience could be torturous if I am to be trapped in silence, in am empty room, by myself with nothing but my dark thoughts. That is when I start to slip. The silence amplifies my dark thoughts and causes me to give in to the negative emotions of sadness, doubt, fear, and frustration. Sometimes it amplifies enough to the point of hatred, panic, and life-threatening depression.

Being alone, just like a lot of other things, has its benefits and its harms. There has to be a balance of both.

Solitude