Tiger Got Her Claw

Tiger Got Her Claw

I know there are many of you out there who believe I need to take better care of myself. I know there are many of you out there who believe I need to stop pushing myself. I know there are many of you out there who believe I should just…s…l…o…w……d…o…w…n.

And I admit, everything that I’m trying to do gets overwhelming at times. I admit, there are days, maybe even weeks, where I am just in over my head. I admit, there are times where the pressure of expectations, both from the “outside world” and myself, truly get to me. But, there’s always a yin to a yang, right? There are days where I get so much done and you get the spark/explosion of feeling so damn productive. There are days where I see proof if my work paying off, whether it be actually understanding hard concepts or receiving a well-deserved grade on an exam. There are weeks where I have laser-beam focus and…it feels divine.

And, yes, there are those situations that just slap me across the face. There are those “little dramas” here and there that just give me hell. There are days where I struggle to even say that I’m struggling. But, this tiger has claws. I know for a fact that I’m stronger than most of you may think because, hell, I’m constantly finding out that I am a lot stronger than I even knew.

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Break Through

Break Through

She can’t avoid admitting she’s slipping back into the darkness, but her heart knows it’s a little bit more complex than that. Her mind wonders, her heart seeks to find…something, someone, she will never know until it is found. Maybe it’s someone to care, maybe it’s someone to repair her, maybe it’s…simply a piece of her she had thought she had lost forever.

She knows she needs to look not around but deep inside her for the answers she yearns for. The longer she stays in the empty woods, the more piercing the cold wind seems to be. The little blows at the leaves scar her flesh; the gushes of wind knock the air out of her lungs; the heavy downpour completely disables her. She spends more time trying to recover, more time trying to survive the brutal cuts, more time trying to remain sane than attempting to bathe in the sunlight that shines above the clouds.

She looks up, through the frost and the mist, through the thick leaves and little creatures, through the rain clouds that storm onward, and she prays. She asks, what is the point in all of this because she has yet to understand. She has yet to read the book of knowledge and learn the truth.

She has yet to break through from the flames as the warrior she has always been.

Wake up. Realize There’s More.

Wake up. Realize There’s More.

I’m sick and tired of being played. I’m sick and tired of being tortured, manipulated, used. I’m sick and tired of trying to make something meaningful, and getting bullshit in return.

To the young females and males out there, who know what it’s like and who are trying their uttermost best to change something about the worlds around them for the better:

I salute you. It doesn’t seem it matters how many times our hearts get torn out of our chests and beaten with wood. It doesn’t seem to make a difference how many strangers walk into our lives and turn it upside down. And it doesn’t matter how the world around us tells us to give up, because we all know, deep down in our hearts, that we will never stop fighting for good. Whether that battle be within ourselves, between our minds and hearts, or between those who we are supposed to be standing beside, we will not stop fighting.

But I’m getting tired. I have to admit, I’m getting sick and tired of all the hurt and the pain that comes from hoping for too much too soon and having too much faith in what’s not there.

When I see that there is potential somewhere, sometimes I jump at the opportunity to turn it into something meaningful right off the bat. When I see there is light in someone’s heart, that spark in someone’s eyes, I pray for them to be able to keep that for the rest of eternity. When I feel something, when there’s a moment in life where I wish I could replay it over and over again, I know there is still something surrounding all of us that is more than the everyday worries we all have running through our minds. There’s something more than what jobs we have, how successful we are money wise, or what kinds of opportunities for fame we missed; the friendships we have, the relationships we love, the human connections we live for…that is more than anything and everything that exists in both mind and body.

But…why do we, as a society, raise up the importance of “connections” in the business world and letter grades on courses about knowledge rather than human connections with one another as human beings and all those lovely moments we all wish to relive once again.

On the top of my head I can name a few:

  • The first time he called me ‘baby’ when I was riding in the front seat of his car.
  • The first time I won an art competition with a photograph that completely represented who I was.
  • The times he held my hand as we walked down the street talking and laughing about anything and everything that came to mind.
  • The times he said ‘forever and a day’ because it was a cute catch phrase he had way back when.
  • The times I’d find myself laughing so hard that my stomach hurt and all my friends were laughing just as loud around me.
  • The times my parents and siblings could finally cook a meal together without someone trying to eat another’s ear off.
  • The last time my mom told me she was proud of me, despite my having to ask her first.
  • The last time I simply sat with a friend and told them a bit of who I am and what I’m made of.
  • The last time I felt as if I was home when I was in someone else’s arms.
  • The last time I felt safe just with the presence of someone else I truly trusted.

Those are the moments, those are the things, those are the feelings we should be holding onto…not the trophies we won, not the certificates that just became pieces of paper, not that million dollar toilet painted yellow, not the labels we, as a society, give each other as ‘titles’ of our accomplishments as if the title means more than the knowledge itself.

I’m sick and tired of people laughing at, or joking around about, or teasing someone over how ‘sensitive’ they are to their relationships with those around them. I’m sick and tired of people making relationships sound like “decorations for Christmas” or “a center piece for the table”. It’s not the accessories that we don’t always need…it’s the structure of everything that is our lives and everything that should really mean a damn to you.

You Got This

You Got This

I don’t know what’s going to happen in life. That’s the thing about the future, you can’t predict it…you can only write it. You can guess all you want, and you can hope and wish for any future you desire but it doesn’t matter. Because unless you go out there and actively work for the future you want, you will not find yourself living the life you’ve always dreamt of.

No matter what happens, no matter how many times you fall down, no matter how many things you messed up with, you have to keep walking forward. No matter how many times your heart has been torn to pieces, no matter how many times you’ve told yourself you will never trust anyone else like that ever again, no matter how much you try to protect yourself, you have to keep that faith and that hope that pushes you onward. No matter what you think you’re worth, no matter how many regrets you have in your past, no matter how terrified you are to go all in once more, you have to keep fighting for yourself.

Because after every wrong turn, you will find yourself proudly walking down the streets again. After every mistake you thought you made, you will find yourself convinced that you wouldn’t be the person you are today without all those flaws in your past. After every terrifying and heart-aching event, you will find yourself being strong and braver than you ever thought you could be.

I don’t know what’s going to happen in my life…but, for the people who stand beside me, for the people who root for me, for the people who believe in me, for the people who know me,…for the people who have yet to meet me, for the people who are bystanders in my life, for the people who are waiting for me to fail, for the people who are looking to pick at my flaws,…for the memories I’ve yet to make, for the experiences I’ve yet to have, and – most importantly – for the woman I’ve yet to grow up and be…I won’t give up. And I hope you won’t either.

To the obnoxious young man who calmed me down, thank you.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Close your eyes. Calm down. Feel that pulse of your heart. Remember that you’re still alive. Breathe in. Breathe out. Calm your mind.

The emptiness clouds your senses and the millions of thoughts buzz through your silent mind. You told yourself you wouldn’t turn off your emotions but, one day, automatically, they were turned off after a shocking wave of feelings engulfed your whole mind and body.

After how ever long you survived by ignoring the pain and pushing past the hurt, everything is catching up to you and you don’t know what to do. Lost in a jumble of emotions and a train wreck of thoughts, you breathe. Confused with both pain of the present and the hurt of the past, you simply try to breathe.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Remember you’re strength. Keep a calm mind. Breathe in. Breathe out.

You aren’t in this fight alone. You aren’t the only one struggling through their days. You aren’t the only one in several billion who have no sense of accomplishment even after years and years of achievements. You aren’t the only one who looks in the mirror and sees a stranger.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Remember who you are. Remember who’s in your heart. Breathe in. Breathe out.

Fighting Myself

Fighting Myself

A story. The person whose point of view it is written in may not be disclosed. 

It felt like I was losing everyone around me. Everyone was always busy. No one had time for me. I felt as alone as ever. But I knew, because I’ve dealt with depression before, I only felt worse and worse because I was giving into the darkness. I knew there was hope somewhere if I looked in the right place, but whether I wanted to, whether I had the strength to anymore, was another story. I felt useless; I felt betrayed; I felt abandoned; I felt like I was a waste of space.

I knew I needed help. I needed to let my friends help me, since going to get professional help was out of the question. My parents…let’s just say they never thought mental illnesses were real. I knew I needed to let my friends help, but…since they were all so busy and things were…”complicated” to say the least, the people I went to didn’t try to help me. They’ve seen me get through it before. They believed I would be okay in the end. So maybe they thought I could get through it without them. They pushed me off to someone else and from there I got shoved elsewhere, like a dirtbag no one wanted.

That only added to my slipping into depression. I started cutting again. I had been clean of cutting for two years. I slipped a few months before but that was only one. But this time, it wasn’t. I slipped and I got addicted. The pain, it was something I could control. I couldn’t control my best friend leaving me. I couldn’t control the physical pain of my body dying from an unknown illness. I couldn’t control whether my parents got along or not. I couldn’t control whether I had enough time to get all my work done or not. I couldn’t control anything in my life, but I could control the little pain I got from cutting.

One cut, two cut, three, four, five. Soon I was up to ten, fifteen, twenty. There were so many I couldn’t keep track off. Some times I would wait for the few I done before to heal, at least half way, but other times I would cut seven lines on my body without an hour in separation. I lost blood, but it felt as if I was already losing a battle with my own body. Something was killing me from the inside out, something unknown, something…my parents ignored it. Their daughter was dying in front of their eyes, coughing up blood, fainting, and more, but all they thought of it was that she was trying to get attention and she was making it all up.

Of course they would. I learned to add them to list of people who didn’t care about me at a very young age. That’s why I never talked to them about anything. But, faced with depression once again, I needed to talk to someone. I reached out to my best friend. Nothing. I reached out to another close friend. They didn’t know how to help. I reached out to my teacher. I couldn’t get the right words out. Nothing. I reached out, but everywhere I reached I seemed to be grabbing at air. Nothing was ever there.

After a while, I gave up. I didn’t know who to turn to. I didn’t know where to go. I was a lost puppy in the middle of an ocean, just waiting to die.

I stayed in that darkness for several weeks. I went to classes either as an emotional wreck, or an emotionless zombie (two polar opposite sides of me that would normally work together to balance me out). Everyone knew, even people who didn’t know me very well; everyone knew something was wrong. But, still, no one spoke. No one reached out to me. No one tried to help.

Some of my teachers gave me an easy time in class, which I am very, very grateful for during such a rough time. Others didn’t care. Some of my classmates tried here and there to make me smile, which I am also grateful for. Others laughed. I guess there are many types of people in this world…but no matter which ones I met, no one had the courage to do something to make a difference.

Having lost faith in the people around me, I started to give up on myself. I didn’t believe I’d get better this time around. I didn’t see a route I could take to step back into the light anymore. I didn’t think I would ever feel whole again or feel okay again.

Then…when I hit my lowest point I ever reached, something happened. I looked not around me, not to the people surrounding me, but inside me for help. I looked to myself. I asked myself, are you really going to live like this for the rest of your life? And if you think ending your life is the easiest path to end the pain, are you really willing to give up everything else you love about life?

In those couple weeks, I realized that…I didn’t need anyone else’s help more than I needed my own. I needed to really want to get better, in order to start healing. I needed to stop being so hard on myself for being depressed and for struggling. I needed to give myself a chance to stand back up instead of pushing myself down every other second. I needed to help myself before anyone could help me.

This story doesn’t end here. That’s because this story is happening right now. It’s May 2, 2016 and I am fighting myself to help myself.

I Will Never Forget You

I Will Never Forget You

You give me my strength to push forward.
You give me my courage to take risks.
You give me encouragement to continue on.
You give me support to follow my heart.

You are there to hold me whenever I’m breaking apart.
You are there to calm me down when I’m emotional.
You are there to keep me in check when I’m slipping.
You are there to love me when I can’t love myself.

You always reassure me when I have my doubts.
You always protect me when I feel unsafe.
You always remind me when I have lost sight of light.
You always take care of me when I honestly don’t want to.

You make me smile when I don’t want to breathe.
You make me laugh when I’m drowning in tears.
You make me take a step back and think when I am overwhelmed.
You make me feel when I am dead inside.

You encourage me to always follow my heart and chase my dreams.
You encourage me to believe in myself and do my own thing.
You encourage me to speak up and say what’s on my mind.
You encourage me to try and be okay…to not give up.

You protect me from my nightmares.
You protect me from everyone…elsewhere.
You protect me from my doubts, fears, and self-punishment.
You protect me from…MYSELF.

You remind me that I’m never alone anymore.
You remind me that I am loved.
You remind me that I can be beautiful.
You remind me that I am wanted and needed.
You remind me that…you love me…unconditionally.

I will never forget you. I will never forget us.