April 19: Fake

April 19: Fake

He fakes the smile on his face. He fakes the bounce in his steps. He fakes the enthusiasm and happiness around his friends. He fakes the happy thoughts when he wants time to end.

They don’t ask him anymore. He use to go to them for everything. He use to say what was on his mind. Someone, that one, would know everything that went on around him and with him, with time…but not this time.

He silently screams for help but no one hears. He knows no one hears him; a part of him doesn’t want anyone to listen. He is scared to make a single sound. After everything he’s gone through, he sometimes doesn’t want to be found.

He sits in the dark. He watches as blood leaks from his skin. He runs his hands over the scratches along his legs. He grabs at his hair and screams silently into the empty space in front. But no one hears, because these screams are only in his head.

He imagines people seeing through his mask. He pictures countless ways of them convincing him to let them help. He wants to let them, but he needs to be convinced. He wants to believe someone cares and someone loves him – like he once thought – but he needs to be convinced. He needs to feel it again. He needs to feel he has worth and his life is worth living.

Until then, he will continue to scream. He will continue to not make a sound. He will continue to wait, until he cannot anymore, until he can’t take it anymore.

Then…he won’t be able to make a sound.


One Nasty Night

One Nasty Night

She walks down the dark empty street. She feels at home. She is finally calm and at peace after several endless weeks of chaos. She walks slowly; there is a little bounce to her steps. A smile forms on her face as beautiful memories replay themselves through her mind.

There is a shadow behind her. It grows from hers as her shape lifts from the ground. A dark aura spills from the edges. There seems to be a mist, a vaporizing smoke that flies around the creature. It stalks her. The atmosphere changes and her body tenses. She feels something is off. A wall had fallen down on her happiness.

The creature mirrors her. For every step she takes, it takes one. The creature…is her.

Suddenly there is a monstrous shriek. It rings through the icy cold air. My heart skips a beat. Her footsteps freeze. In milliseconds her form changes and she is the beast. But in the moment of weakness, in between the change, the shadow attacks and holds a death grip at her throat. I want to jump and somehow save the day but I can’t move nor have a say.

I watch as she gasps for air, helpless to do anything. She struggles as she is lifted from the ground. Her nails dig at her neck, trying to get out of the grip. She fails. She grows limp.

The shadow lets go, calms down, and returns to a more stable form. It looks down at the body it use to follow as a shadow. It looks down at the girl and…I think it felt sorrow.

It calms down, changes form…and now it’s the girl looking down on herself.

It was a battle between two sides of herself.

She looks down, emotionless and dry, then turns to ask me, “Why did I do that to myself?”

September 15: Sorry, I’m Busy….

September 15: Sorry, I’m Busy….

1: Can we talk?
2(friend): What’s up?

1: I’ve been feeling…really lost.
2: What do you mean?

1: You know, throughout my life…I’ve never had the courage to be who I really am out on front.
2: Because you think people won’t accept you for who you are. Your parents put that in your head. I’ve told you. They’re wrong. You just don’t believe me.

1: It’s hard to believe something that goes against everything you’ve been taught for your entire life…
2: Whatever. I’m busy. I’ll talk to you another time

3: You okay? You look a bit pale.
1(close relative): Yeah, I’m fine. Probably just been staying up too late studying.

3: Your parents really push you to do well in school. It’s important. I agree. Just remember to take care of yourself
1: I will. Don’t worry….

3: How’s the college search anyway? Any places you want to go to?
1: I’ve looked at a couple. The ones I want to go to, my parents wouldn’t allow me to. So…I’m looking at the ones they pick out for me mostly.

3: That’s great. They’re looking out for you. I didn’t think they would have the time to even talk to you about college with work and everything.
1: Oh…they make the time.

3: You’re luckier than you realize.

1: Just got in a fight with parents. Got time to talk?
2(same friend): Sorry. I’ve been really busy. Can we talk about it another time?

1: Of course

1: Yet another argument…why can’t we just agree on something and get this whole thing over with?! It’s so tiring!

1: Hello?

1: Hey
2: Sorry can’t talk

1: -sigh- I’m so done right now…I just want to get out of here already
2: Oh come on, it’s not that bad haha you’re just overreacting

1: I don’t think I am
2: You are. I know you. Sleep on it and you’ll realize you belong there.

1: Want to go somewhere for the day? Got kicked out of the house.
2: I’ll ask my mom

2: She said no. Your parents called…great going

1: I feel so trapped here.
2: That’s what you say every single time your parents try to advise you of something. They’re only looking out for you, gosh. Do you always have to make it sound so bad?

1: I’m not trying to make it sound bad. I’m just telling you what I think.
2: I think it’s dump. You’re being ungrateful. Try seeing things from their side.

1: I do! But I can’t see the reasoning behind trying to hide their child for a lifetime
2: Then you aren’t trying hard enough

1: How can you say that? I’ve told you all the things that has happened throughout the years. I’ve told you my side of the story. I’ve told you things I never would’ve told someone else…What’s been up with you lately?
2: Because it’s true. You’re being an ungrateful little bitch!

2: Sorry, I’m busy

1: -announced dead the next week-