Mute

Mute

What do you do when a million thoughts run through your mind but not a single word makes it out of your mouth? What do you do when all you yearn for is to be understood, to be loved, to be wanted?

I stare at the blank screen in front of me and know that I can fill it with words, but when I look into his eyes I can’t manage to make a sound. I look down to the keys on my keyboard and know which ones to hit to make the sentence flow, but when I’m sitting in front of him the blank wooden table is all I know. I hear my thoughts and I know there are a million things that I want to say, but when it comes time to…express myself…I get stuck on what words I want to say.

I stumble over my tongue. I choke on my words. I can’t…

I feel the tears fall from my eyes, more than I ever have felt before. I feel the pain grow in my heart, the pain that is aching in my chest. I curl up in a ball and hug the thing blanket close to my chest, and feel my body shake. I open text messages, but don’t know what to type. I open up my list of contacts wanting to call someone, but don’t know what to say. Where do I go from here?

I stare up at the ceiling from my bed. I feel how heavy my heart it. I want to say something. I know I want to say a lot. I’m trapped between not knowing where to start and not knowing what to say at all.

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Caged In. Forever.

Caged In. Forever.

You wake up shaking. You wake up screaming. You wake up gasping for air. You wake up…grabbing at what’s not there.

You curl up in a ball once you realize there’s nothing but empty space in front of me. You clutch at the blanket and bring your legs closer to your chest as you realize the entire house is empty, and it feels as if the room is turning ’round and ’round. You feel the tears fall from your eyes and remember how broken you feel inside.

You close your eyes wishing you were anywhere but there. You grip at the blanket until your knuckles are white like a ghost. You listen to your breathes come out shaky and feel your heartbeat race from within.

You wait. You wait for your body to calm down. But your mind is still racing.

You ignore the feeling and get out of bed despite how much you are contemplating between staying in bed for years and years to come or sprinting straight out the door and never coming back. You realize you’re wobbling on your feet because your body still hasn’t caught up with your motives. You walk into the corner of the wall and feel as if you cannot breath.

You struggle. Everywhere you look, it’s there. Whatever you do, it’s running through your mind ten times a second. It haunts you. You can’t shake it off.

You stare at your face in the mirror, it looks pale. You stare at your own hands, as if you haven’t seen them for years. You stare out the window, feeling like a prisoner in your own mind.

Will you ever be free?

April 21: Locked

April 21: Locked

It was as if nothing he did helped his case. For years and years, he wanted to get out. He needed to get out of the chaos that constantly screamed of all the things he did wrong, when he was too little to comprehend what was right and wrong and when he was forced through a certain path in life he did not want to walk. Everything he did seemed to be his fault, whether it was his choice or not.

He had to be molded into this bright young man everyone wanted to see him become. He couldn’t shed a tear, show any weaknesses, or do anything, ANYTHING, wrong. He had to constantly be dressed to impress and be a shoulder for young girls to rest on. He had to be this strong, indestructible piece of machine. But this was not him. This was not even human.

Chained from his legs and wrapped at his wrists, his parents did everything they could to force him through the tight little mold of an image they had always wanted their little son to be. It seemed as if they knew who they wanted as their son even before he started to form and existed in their lives. They probably imagined all the things they wanted in their child long before, putting all the dreamed characteristics, habits, and thoughts in one person without any flaws of any kind. But they needed to realize that was not possible.

People have flaws. People make mistakes. People have to be allowed to grow up and learn. People have to be let to be who they really are instead of becoming who someone else desired them to be.

But his parents didn’t comprehend this. Because of this he was constantly trapped within the cells of his bedroom, his house, amongst his family instead of being let out in the “real world” and learn from experience as he grows up to be the man he was meant to be. If only he could break free, take his life into his own hands, and show everyone, and himself, who he actually was, then he would finally be free.

But, right now, he’s trapped. He gets silenced. He gets pummeled mentally. He gets forced into a mold that slowly extinguishes the flame that lives inside of him. He, who he really is, dies slowly as this character of the person his parents dream to have comes alive through painful torturous years of brutal killings.

Locked