Signing Up

Signing Up

As a student, I am constantly signing up for classes, beginning a whole new experience with each unit I take. Whether that be the bonds formed by the desire to pull out our hair during labs or complaining and downing coffee throughout the endless nights spent studying, friendships are made and new visitors walk into our lives. Though most of the class won’t stay in touch after each semester is over, there is always those couple relationships in which you wish and pray for things to work out.

When you sign up for a class, you commit to x amount of hours studying (it’s usually never the number you thought you’d be spending, but you know this too); you commit to the hours in lecture and/or lab with your classmates; you sign up for the stress, the worry, the panic attacks, everything that could come with the class; you are there pushing through to make things work despite what happens (unless you have to drop, which always sucks).

Now, I’m thinking, what’s the sign up sheet for friendships? There are constantly people signing up to be your friend, either for a semester or for a lifetime, despite that most of them won’t end up being lifetime rock for you to lean on and share laughs with and be partners in crime or whatever you want to call them.

As someone who never had many friends growing up – I was always the loner, the weird/awkward kid, the one who lived under a rock, the one who didn’t really know how to keep friends – I still find myself not having many friends, but for other reasons. Throughout the life lessons we all are forced to learn as we grow up, some of us getting extremely guarded and isolated for that reason. I am very willing to be there for someone, but there aren’t many people who I would put my heart in their hands. I gotta know that they’re worth fighting for a relationship with, long-term. Looking for the kind of friend you want is way harder than finding the right classes to fit in your schedule…

But, to those of you who mean the world in my life right now, and you know who you are, I’m signing up…for you.

I’m signing up for all the times you are a mess because life’s a bitch. I’m signing up for the nights you need someone to cry to. I’m signing up.

I’m signing up for all the weird as hell conversations that probably have ADD because of how many topics we jump around to. I’m signing up for the conversations people would look at weirdly if they read what we said. I’m signing up for the awesome and careless laughs, the essay-long (yes, it’s not “paragraph-long” but “essay-long”) text conversations catching up with you. I’m signing up.

I’m signing up for the arguments I have with you through the clash we have between logic and emotion. I’m signing up to explain emotions to you. I’m signing up to be patient enough to let you learn what you need to learn, for life. I’m signing up.

I’m signing up for the schedule clashes that come between us. I’m signing up to get frustrated when trying to see you after what feels like months apart. I’m signing up for the days I miss you in my life. I’m signing up for the silence from you and the silence I give you because life happens. I’m signing up.

I’m signing up for the deep, meaningful conversations. I’m signing up for the “how are you”s we squeeze into the seconds we have to catch up at times. I’m signing up for the two minute conversations as we pass each other on campus. I’m signing up for the hours long rants. I’m signing up for late night phone calls. I’m signing up.

I’m signing up for your stubbornness in finding out what’s wrong. I’m signing up to be stubborn. I’m signing up for the advice we give each other. I’m signing up to wish you the best in everything you touch. I’m signing up to get excited when something works out for you. I’m signing up to cheer you on. I’m signing up to listen to your complaints. I’m signing up for you to rant to. I’m signing up.

I’m signing up to be here for you. I’m signing up to listen and learn about your life. I’m signing up to try to understand what you’re going through. I’m signing up to help you as I can. I’m signing up.

And I’m not walking away.

Enroll

Advertisements

How do you get over getting told everything that ever meant anything to you during the past several years was a lie? a facade? fake?

Stupid.

Why did I believe them when they said they were my friends? Why did I trust them when they said they cared? Why did I pour my heart out to them when they hated me?

It doesn’t make sense.

Why stay around someone and pretend to be their friend? Why stick by someone’s side and convince them that you are there for them? Why pretend to be genuine and understanding when you complain about them behind their back?

Stupid.

Why did I believe I had a “family” in the friends? Why did I trust that they would forgive me and let me turn over a new leaf? Why did I expect them to see how much I’ve changed?

Stupid.

Why did I hope for our friendships to last? Why did I dream about future plans when they didn’t want anything to do with me? Why did I believe that we would be okay even though they were holding a dagger to my back?

Stupid.

I know I’ve made mistakes. I know it’s been some time.
I know I’ve angered some people. I know true friendship is hard to find.
I know I’ve ruined things. I know a broken plate can’t be mended with the words ‘I’m sorry’.

But…

I know time has passed. I know I’ve grown up a little more.
I know I’m trying my best to do what’s right. I know I’m doing the best I can.
I know I’ve changed from the past. I know I see in a different light.

I believe someone can change, especially when someone else is there to guide them.

Dear M…

Dear M…

I know you parted from your family at such a young age in search of a better life in the States. I know you had to go through a very devastating heart break when your relatives that brought you over treated you less than they should have. I know you were very poor. I know you had a hard childhood.

I know it broke your heart when the letters you wrote to your mother back home weren’t getting sent, but read instead. I know it broke you to find out the relatives, the only family you had around you, deceived you. I know it tore you apart when you were forced to drop out of college and give up your dream career. I know it hurts when you look back in time.

I can only imagine how hard it was learning English and being surrounded by this foreign land. I can only imagine how it felt trying to make the right friends. I can only imagine what it was like for you trying to survive with such distance between the people you called family. I can only imagine how much it hurt when you discovered your siblings, your relatives back home, disliked you just because you were the one and only to cross the seas. I can only imagine the pain you went through.

I know it hurts you when you feel limited by things you can’t control. I know it pains you when you get used. I know it angers you when you get mistreated, and I know uncomfortable it is to pretend like you don’t care.

I know you must have trust issues. I know life has been hard on you. But, please, one day realize that not everyone is going to mistreat you, not everyone has bad intensions, not everyone only cares about their personal benefits, not everyone is heartless. How can I make you see that just like how you raised two good-hearted girls, others can raise many good-hearted children? How can I make you see that just like not everyone has a good heart, not everyone has a bad heart?

T. You

T. You

Her: *quietly studying in the library*

Him: *walks into the study room and sits down in front of her*

Her: Hi? -laughs-

Him: *tries to look innocent* What? *but laughs*

Her: *shakes her head* How was your day?

Him: *exaggerates by slouching in his chair and throwing up his arms* UGHHHH the worst day ever!!! *waits for her to laugh* … *smiles* but it’s a tad better now than I’m here with you. *grins*

Her: *rolls her eyes* Just a tad? *laughing*

Him: *covers her hand with his on the desk* Okay maybe a little more than just a tad *chuckles as he takes her in*

Her: Just a little more? *giggles*

Him: OkayOK…a lot better *smiles and squeezes her hand*

Her: *smiles, looking up in his eyes* I missed you.

Him: *nods* I know… *sigh* I’ve missed you too…

Her: It’s been so busy with classes….

Him: *kisses her hand* It’s going to be okay. Trust me.

Her: *silently looks down at the table*

Him: *squeezes her hand gently* I’m not going anywhere. I promise. Trust me.

Her: I trust you…

Him: It’s going to be okay. I know it’s hard now. I know things are rough. But please trust me when I say that we will be okay as along as we are both in this 100%. *waits* You’re in this 100%, aren’t you?

Her: *gasps* I am! Don’t you trust me?

Him: *smiles* See where that kind of needs to go both ways?

Her: *softly laughs and shakes her head* Okay…I’m sorry. I trust you.

I Will Never Forget You

I Will Never Forget You

You give me my strength to push forward.
You give me my courage to take risks.
You give me encouragement to continue on.
You give me support to follow my heart.

You are there to hold me whenever I’m breaking apart.
You are there to calm me down when I’m emotional.
You are there to keep me in check when I’m slipping.
You are there to love me when I can’t love myself.

You always reassure me when I have my doubts.
You always protect me when I feel unsafe.
You always remind me when I have lost sight of light.
You always take care of me when I honestly don’t want to.

You make me smile when I don’t want to breathe.
You make me laugh when I’m drowning in tears.
You make me take a step back and think when I am overwhelmed.
You make me feel when I am dead inside.

You encourage me to always follow my heart and chase my dreams.
You encourage me to believe in myself and do my own thing.
You encourage me to speak up and say what’s on my mind.
You encourage me to try and be okay…to not give up.

You protect me from my nightmares.
You protect me from everyone…elsewhere.
You protect me from my doubts, fears, and self-punishment.
You protect me from…MYSELF.

You remind me that I’m never alone anymore.
You remind me that I am loved.
You remind me that I can be beautiful.
You remind me that I am wanted and needed.
You remind me that…you love me…unconditionally.

I will never forget you. I will never forget us.