Study…Study…Study some more…

Study…Study…Study some more…

Everyone wants to be successful in life. Everyone wants to end up happy in this lifetime.

I say, study.

It’s not as simple as studying your school textbooks thoroughly. It’s not just focusing on the information that will be on the project, quiz, or exam.

It goes deeper than researching about topics that interest you. It goes beyond talking about ideas and concepts with others.

…study the colors the sky creates each morning and night that takes people’s breath away
…notice how the wrinkles and creases on your mother’s face shine in the sunlight
…experience the emotions that coarse through your body in every waking moment
…yearn to see the reasons why someone’s passion can see within their shinning or dark eyes

…learn the ways the ones you love sees the life around you differently
…study the impacts of crucial events, as well as small event, throughout your lifetime
…notice how the silence in the room might be more meaningful than the constant chatter at a college party
…yearn to be different and express how your perspective of life is different from the others around you

…notice how the light hits the glass and creates a mural on the ground before your feet
…experience all the little things in life to their fullest potential because, once you look back, you’ll soon realize that the small things were actually really big
…study about the environment around you and about all the changes society is making to the world
…present the best version of yourself and admire people’s reactions and comments

It’s more than just studying the textbooks we pay too much for or finishing the assignments (sometimes at 3am the night before it’s due). It’s more than finding someone who you bond with very well. It’s more than simply getting out of your own mind.

It’s learning about the world around you. It’s studying the little things that turn out to be huge in the end. It’s experiencing everything to its fullest potential.

Study

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Reality Hits

Reality Hits

Being productive was supposed to be today’s number one priority. I look at the notebook where I had started my notes for the first out of six essays I was planning to read; only the title is written, not a single note written down. I look at the clock and it’s already three. When did the day go by?

Yesterday night, I was planning to wake up early to help my dad paint the new office. Mom refused to let me go because I should study. I was trapped at home.

A few minutes after my dad left, my mom went somewhere too. My sister had been the first to leave for her class this morning. I was left at home.

For hours I blasted my music, trying to silence the thoughts running through my head. After feeling nothing but emptiness and pain for hours, numbness became the only thing I could process.

I want to scream but I’m mentally exhausted.
I want to be productive but my boring reading is the last thing I want to do.
I want to be creative but nothing flows through my head.
I want to do SOMETHING but I also just want to stay in bed.

I went to my mom and explained to her that I hadn’t done anything all day. She laughed. I felt like a failure and a joke. I wanted to cry. I’ve had so many meltdowns in the past couple days.

I want to reach out but no one seems to hear a sound.

I understand that they’re in a lot of pain. The lost was in their family, but still in my life.
I get that I should be strong for them and be there for them. But I wonder if they even realize I am screaming inside.

Trapped. In pain. Nowhere to hide. I’m broken inside.

Static

Hurt.

Hurt.

The phrase “…emotionally unavailable…” always raises red flags, from those who have learned better. The minute where you feel as if you can never get a hold of the person who means the most to you is the minute you question whether they are as devoted to you as you are in them. The second you realize you are feeling as if you are grasping your hands at something that’s not there is the second you recognize that the pain you feel burying deep into your chest is a pain you are in control of.

A lot of us know this feeling, this situation where we are hopelessly trying to hold onto something that’s not there. But not many of us know what it is to be on the other side of this ‘red flag’ a lot of us continuously walk away from. I mean, it’s not as openly discussed as being the one who can’t get into someone’s heart.

We’ve been taught from either friends or family to walk away from someone who doesn’t seem to give you enough or isn’t willing to be as vulnerably emotionally as we deem necessary for a relationship. We’ve been constantly told to walk away from the person who is in such pain that they have closed themselves off from their surroundings in attempt to keep their heart safe from the pain multiplying once again. We’ve been…possibly, taught wrong.

Everyone has felt pain. Everyone has pushed someone away because of that pain. Everyone has walked away from something that created pain for them.

Everyone has wanted someone to break down the walls they’ve built around themselves in attempt the shield their hearts from the cold wind. Everyone has broken down in someone else’s arms and feeling a kind of relief as the other person held them. Everyone has isolated themselves to wait and see who cares enough to come after them and be with them.

But when it comes to seeing someone else in that light, we have been taught to walk away because “they couldn’t possibly be everything we need and want them to be” or some bullshit like that. But guess what? We’re all going to be in that stage in life at least once in our lifetime, whether it be short or long, whether we have been there already or not. We will be, once again, the person in pain who never wants to feel broken again. We will be, for some time, the person who is simply seeking another who will care enough to break down the walls and come hold us, telling us everything will be alright because we have them by our side.

We will be THAT person. So why are we being taught to walk away from THAT person if THAT person will be us, one day or another? We’re being taught to walk away from ourselves. We’re being taught to ignore our own pain. We’re being taught that trying to protect ourselves is wrong. We’re being taught that trying to be a little selfish is wrong.

You know what’s “wrong”? Hurting someone so much that they feel like they have to lock their heart in a cage. Overlooking someone’s pain so much that they think their emotions don’t matter. Walking away from someone so often that they believe they will never be worth someone else’s time. Not giving someone a chance just because they’re in pain.

So “…emotionally unavailable…” should be “…in so much freaking pain…”

Ups and Downs

Ups and Downs

Since day one, I had medical issues. For as long as I can remember, and even before that, I saw a cardiologist who monitored my growth, my capabilities, and my strength compared to a normal growing child. During the past few years, I have been waking up each morning with a small handful of pills and have been struggling with symptoms a lot of people cannot relate to.

This week, I had been told there’s a possibility of fixing one new health issue, regarding my heart, that has become a new problem to add onto my list of growing conditions. At 19, who would’ve guessed this would be my life? It seems like it is. And despite seeing everyone’s relief when hearing there might be a chance of taking care of the issue without another open heart surgery, I refuse to get my hopes up.

Let me explain:
For the past 2 years, my chest pain and the medications I have to take in order to make the pain tolerable have been growing without any kind of resolve. I’ve been to doctor after doctor, have tried medication after medication, and have been told in every which way that I will have to try something else. I have been told countless of times how sorry they are for not being able to help me despite how many attempts they have made. I have been turned away and I have been brushed off. I had began to lose faith in doctors because there wasn’t a solution in sight.

Then, one day, the nerve block injection worked. After nights of waking up to immense pain, tears rolling down my cheeks and my entire body frozen with fear due to how much it hurt, my specialist wanted to try the injection. And it worked. It made the pain tolerable, or as tolerable as it was before it began to flare and wake me up again. That, that day of relief, is when I was hit with the news that the pain I feel every waking day will never go away. It was permanent, and there was nothing they could do but give me medications to make it tolerable.

When my new cardiologist continuously said how I might still need open heart surgery after this procedure I am going to go through, I doubt the new doctor who claims he can fix me with this simple tube. But, I get it, I should be grateful that I do not have to immediately go to open heart surgery; I shouldn’t be freaking out; I should trust my NEW doctors (complete strangers). But I don’t, and I am.

I have woken up nearly screaming from a nightmare in which I am coughing up blood in the ICU after my procedure. I have woken up crying. I have woken up shaking, stone cold with fear. I have woken up several times for the past couple weeks with a broken heart.

I don’t know what to do…

Confused and Exhausted. Physically and Mentally.

Confused and Exhausted. Physically and Mentally.

Having to remember you truly do not know the person you are falling for is definitely difficult when he is constantly the person you want to share your life with. When I get to a point where I want the entire world to disappear around me in order for my mind to rest, I would rather be in his arms and in his bed than my own house and my own room. When I get excited, it’s most likely because I am going to see him later that day. When I feel emotions other than exhaustion and overwhelmed, he seems to be related somehow.

Sometimes it feels as if I trusted him way too fast and gave him parts of me I would have never given someone else. Sometimes it feels as if I invested more than I ever meant to at this point in our relationship. Because when I look at him, I see the adoration and I see the desire, but I am not sure if I am the girl he wants to devote his life to being with.

Whenever he reminds me how many days it has been since we first talked, it feels like a slap in the face. In the moment, we are sharing a part of our lives with the other and I feel like I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. But when he says that, and when he says he doesn’t know what he wants, it scares me. I know what heartbreak feels like; I know how he must’ve felt when he got betrayed in his last relationship; I know what pain feels like; I know what it is to be scared to trust someone with your heart again. But his actions say he’s in this, with his whole heart, but when it comes down to is and he says the words that cut deep…I don’t know what to say or feel anymore.

I don’t want to pull away from him because he does not deserve that. I want to be there for him and continue to show him love is not always painful and full of betrayal or drama. I want to show him that someone can love with unconditionally. I want to show him that he deserves the love like in the fairytale books. I want to show him that love can be ‘forever and always’.

But I don’t know if he’s ready.
I have a lot on my plate and he’s been insanely understanding and thoughtful. But at the same time, I feel as if I don’t have time for him at the moment. He’s still trying to learn of the person I am. I am still trying to learn everything about who he is. But when that is intertwined with events in which I need someone who absolutely knows me, it’s exhausting. I don’t know what to do because we both feel as if we’ve known each other for months, or even years, yet it’s only been 20 days? I’m putting too much on his shoulders but I don’t want to walk away and look elsewhere, possibly making him feel as if he did something wrong or as if he is not wanted anymore.

-goes back to sleep-

Sorry Not Sorry

Sorry Not Sorry

I am sorry I care about what other people think. I am sorry I grew up in an environment in which all that mattered was what other people thought. I am sorry that is how I was raised. I am sorry that is how I have become. I am sorry you have to deal with me.

I get worked up. I get emotional. I get bothered by people’s reactions. I get nervous to see what people think. Doesn’t everyone? Apparently not you.

I am sorry I got so worried when you sister fractured and broke her wrist that I felt nauseous enough to vomit. I am sorry I got worked up and annoyed when my sister gave me a weird look that told me she didn’t want me to go to the ER with you and your sister. I am sorry I got annoyed when you kept laughing off her injury as if it were a joke. I am sorry I yelled at you when my emotions built up. I am sorry I got sensitive. I am sorry I got hurt. I am sorry I was 100% myself.

I am sorry I am pleased to hear my sister likes you and is happy that I am happy. I am sorry that it bugs me when you cursed ten times more when you were around her students…her co-workers….her boyfriend….her! I am sorry that I talked to you about the cursing afterwards. I am sorry that I want my friends and family to like you.

I am sorry that it bugs me when I think you’re being rude to your mom. I am sorry that it sometimes feels as if you just want my body. I am sorry I got upset when you called me as if I were a dog. I am sorry I can’t simply laugh everything off. I am sorry I got ticked off when you didn’t let me study when I specifically told you I had a lot to do.

I am so sorry if all of this bothers you.

Oh, wait, I shouldn’t be apologizing…but, I still do.

Dubious

Despite knowing my writing is an insight to the person I am, despite wanting you to have a deeper understanding of some things that still affect me today, despite wishing for an easier way to express my thoughts, I hesitate to give you the key to my mind. This is, after all, the place where I am the truest version of myself. To connect a simple ‘author’ title to my actual name and the person you can physically see every day, is to have the power over secrets I may still hold.

If you, the person reading this, know who I am beyond the complex screens we call computers, you mean something to me. And whether you still read my posts still to this day, may say something about where I stand with you…or maybe not.

-> To the obnoxious young man who wears a ring on his hand, I’m happy for you as I’ve always been since we had the talk that night. I know you are an amazing father just as you are an incredible husband to a very lucky young woman. I wish you the best wherever life may take you. I hope we stay in touch.

-> To the special young woman who can never bother remembering her classmates’ names, as she refers to each and every one as “that (other) guy”, I hope you never change. As our lives seem to overlap more and more, I look forward to becoming closer to your family. And, no matter what happens, know that I’ll always be here for you.

-> To the strong, independent young almost-graduate who had made the last two years of my high school career easier to live through, you know I would do anything to help you if I could. I wish you the best as you decide which paths you want to walk down as you exit high school. I wish you the best when you have to face telling your family of your decision. Do know I will always be here for you.

-> To the sassy young woman who had been there through my very painful last heartbreak, and who prays for me to be a little more selfish, I miss you. The busy schedules we both have clash way too much and we never get to see each other anymore. But, despite, like you said, we’ll never stop being there for the other. I wish you the best, and I hope we keep in touch even if I move.

-> To my last heartbreak, I hope you’re happy and you’re okay wherever you are in your life right now. You deserve a good Christian girl who shares your passion and can walk through life with you no matter where you go. I hope you started your path to teaching, like you’ve always wanted. I wish you the best as you continue down your journey. Never forget to stop and take a breath.

-> To the awkward young man who I can constantly call up to have some company while studying at school, I really hope you discover what it is that you want to do with your life. I know sometimes ignoring the elephant in the room can lead to a more pleasant lifestyle, but you will have to face the question you hesitate to answer. I wish I could help, but your life is in your hands. Good luck.