A Little Update

A Little Update

Going to aerial with an old acquaintance has brought us closer together as she builds a professional relationship with my sister. Going paddle boarding with an old coworker has brought me some reassurance for the future that awaits me this coming fall. Going out to eat with him and old close friends had reminded me what it feels like to hold someone close to heart. Going to meetings and events has gotten me excited for everything that has yet to come.

The future might be unknown. The mystery of it all might scare us, sometimes. But, sometimes, the mystery is simply half the fun.

I don’t have all the answers I wish to discover but I have the strength to continue to walk forward. Whether I’m in the dark or in the light, I know I will have the support and love of everyone around me. Though I might have nightmares and sometimes I see my life flashing before my eyes, I know I will get through, someway, somehow.

And that’s all I could ever ask for.

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Two Years Ago Replayed

Two Years Ago Replayed

Around this time, two years ago, I was in the same position I am facing today. Two years ago, my heart raced at the thought of college. Two years ago, I had no clue what would become of my life during fall. Two years ago, I was checking multiple websites for any sign that my life was going to change for the better. Two years ago, I dealt with sleepless nights as I rolled around in bed terrified of what will I discover in the mail the next day.

Two years ago, I faced the decision that changed my life. Today, I face the uncertainty of the future that laid in the palms of my hands. Today, at the same time that I can’t imagine how much has changed, I can’t believe how similar my future seems.

Two years ago, I was counting down the days until April and May. I even looked at the hours on the clock as I waited for spring to near its end. I was a restless little girl waiting to see what would become of her future. Today, I am counting down the days until April and May. I am finding myself crossing off each day in my calendar is only making me more and more nervous as the big day comes closer. I am a wreck trying to keep it together as someone out there is deciding what will be the next few years of my life.

What will become of my life? What is going to change with my family? What is going to change around me? How many things are there to organize? How many uncertainties will finally become clear? What will become of the person I am today as I continue to grow up and become the woman I’m meant to be?

What is going to happen to…everything that I know?

Do you know?

Walk Away???

Walk Away???

I reunited with an old classmate I used to love seeing those mornings for class. Her unapologetically honest comments that were always coated with a hint of sugar, and spice, and everything nice, could always bring a little laughter into my heart that semester. I had come from a broken background and carried a shattered heart seeking to heal in peace, for once, away from everything that created drama and heartbreak. Being in that classroom was always a warm fireplace to sit by.

From that same class, I met a strong young man who seemed to know his way. He would always wake up my heart with his sassy and sarcastic attitude. We would bicker and tease each other, and that kind of friendship was exactly what I needed. I prayed to have him stay in my life, and stay he did. It wasn’t until this past month that he vanished from my weekly schedule. It’s a friendship I wish to rekindle and reconnect with but…

I am slowly getting closer to a friend in one of my current classes. He had a brief existence in my schedule during the last summer, and is in a couple of classes that I will be able to help with. I see a great friendship that has potential to burn brightly even despite our busy lives. There is something about him that makes me smile.

A coworker is in my favorite class, right now. Talking to him is priceless and I wouldn’t trade it for the world, right now. Our conversations can always make me laugh and remember what it is to simply live in the moment. He reminds me to have passion in what I do. He reminds me of my passion that has dimmed from my life during the past year, and reminds me that my fire for such a passion will still burn as brightly as I allow it. I love this friendship and pray for it to remain as strong as it was when it began.

A very old classmate from way back when introduced me to one of his close friends as the girl who “disappeared and no one ever heard from again”. That sure caught some eyes. Being around those two, watching as they goof around and spend their time just playing and having fun, reminded me of the part in life I never really got a grasp of; I could never hold onto this aspect of life for long. There was a phrase that they seemed to live by, and that is “for the hell of it”. As stressed as I have been, that is something I miss so, so much now. But is it worth anything?

A year from now, I’m planning to not be in town. A year from now, all these connections and all these friendships might just burn to the ground. A year from now, I have no clue where I am going to be. So, in the end, I don’t know whether sticking around these people and counting on them for anything in future will be wise for such a fragile heart like my own.

Give You A Chance (with My Guard Up)

Give You A Chance (with My Guard Up)

When I first saw you, I felt a pull towards you. There was something about you I had to get to know. There was something in you that beckoned for my presence in your life. There was a part of you that needed a part of me, or the other way around because you never know about these things. But there was definitely a part of you calling out to a part of me. And that is exactly what scared the life out of me.

I know you have only known of my name for a few days. I know we have only talked, small talk, a maximum of ten times. I know you are as clueless about me as I am about you. So let me explain myself:

The last person I felt a pull towards, a connection with, that spark towards, is someone who I cannot imagine anymore. He brought me to some sort of light that I’ve been needing in my life for several years. He brought me to a place within myself where I can heal. He adored me; he respected me; he supported me; he encouraged me; he believed in me; he rooted for me; he tried to understand me; he did his best to be there for me; he showered me with affection; and, most importantly, he loved me and he wanted me to be happy and accept myself.

Right from the start, we both knew we had something different. We had a friendship unlike any other either of us have experienced. We had a strong connection that seemed to know no bounds. We had something different that could only be felt by the two who were in the relationship. We lived what seemed to be a fairytale life, a “happy ever after” kind of story where the bride and broom fight by each other’s sides an unlimited amount of times.

But, and I’m sure you can guess where this is going, our world snapped in two and everything that seemed to be a fairytale shattered like an illusion or a spell that was only waiting to get broken.

That was the last time I let someone get that close. That was the last time I trusted anyone to let them see anywhere even remotely close to 80% of the true me. That was the last time I counted on someone to stick by me. That was the last time I was rooting for someone for the sake of keeping them in my life. That was the last time I can say I let myself called someone “mine”.

And what do you expect? A girl with a broken heart and a hectic life spins around to continue to keep pushing forward and keep fighting for something a little more.

So, when I saw you for the first time and felt that pull towards you, it scared the life out of me. My guard went up. My shields went on. But I couldn’t turn it off. When I turned around and you were there, there was no denying my curiosity.

I didn’t stop myself from trying to start small conversations, as coworkers should, during the times that you stood by my side. I didn’t stop myself from smiling and shaking my head when I felt comfortable being there with you. I didn’t stop myself from asking for your help when I needed help with the heavy weight. I didn’t stop myself from asking the question I knew sat on the tip of your tongue, “Did you want to hang out?” I didn’t stop myself from shrugging off the alarms that went off in my head when you tried getting closer. I didn’t stop myself from smiling in both amusement and sympathy when you tried to shower me with a form of affection you knew how to give. I didn’t stop myself…but, now, I wish I had.

Because the only things that run through my mind when I think about that time when I talked to you are the questions like: DO I act like a spoiled bitch? DO I act like I don’t have any clue how hard life might be for others? DO I act like there are people who “aren’t cool enough” or “aren’t good enough” to be my friend? DO I set myself apart from everyone so much that people see a boundary between my world and theirs? DO I not understand struggle because I did not struggle the way everyone else might’ve been dealing with?

I know I had an easier life than most. I know I don’t know what it is like to struggle the way others have. I know I have yet to take on the responsibilities that others my age might’ve started to deal with by age 15. I know I was protected like a princess trapped in her room that overlooks the city in some tower. I know my life must seem to be where everyone would want to be. I know people look in from the outside and believe I must have it so much better because I have the facade that tells them I’m better than they must be. I know…that much.

What I do not know is this: I don’t know how much about me you think you know. I don’t know how much about my life you think you can read off my clothes or the car I drive. I don’t know what you think about this seemingly rich girl working a part-time job where she gets paid minimum wage when she could be doing other things.

I don’t know what you’ve had to deal with and life with when you were growing up. I don’t know what you’re going through now on a day-to-day basis. I don’t know how confused you might be about the future. I don’t know what your checkered past might consist of. I don’t know what you think of the person you see each day in the mirror.

I also don’t know where I’m going to be in a year. I also don’t know why we have this seemingly unnatural pull towards one another. I also don’t know why a part of you is calling to a part of me. I also don’t know what we are supposed to be in each other’s lives. I also don’t know what we are supposed to do for one another.

I don’t know why we have been placed in the circumstance we see ourselves in. I don’t know why we seem to understand a little bit about each other that feels as if others don’t get. I don’t know…a lot of things, to be simple, maybe I should’ve just said that at the start. But what I do know is that maybe I am willing to give you a chance as long as you give me a chance too.

I don’t know what I can do for you. I don’t know what kinds of things I can show you or teach you. I don’t know what I can prove to you or lead you towards. I don’t know. I also don’t know what you can entertain me with. I don’t know what you can show me or prove to me. I don’t know what you can do for me.

But I might be willing to give this a shot, as long as you give it your all.

Just give me some time. Because, just as you had said you’re scared of getting hurt, I am terrified of letting my guard down and turn my shields off once more.

Just Lost

Just Lost

What do you want me to say? That I don’t know what I’m doing? I don’t know where this all leads?
What do you want me to do? Stop doing anything until I figure out where I want to end? Spend time planning out the little details instead of doing anything at all?

I know I don’t know where I want to be in five, ten, fifteen years. Who does?

Who has it all figured out? Who knows exactly where they’re going to be years from today/ Who? Tell me who and I’ll show you how they are simply doing what every single person is doing: figuring it out as they go.

You might know what you want to be doing in the future. You might be planning for those years ahead of time. You might have a timeline you want to strictly follow. But, the thing is, you never know what’s going to happen.

You will never be able to plan for the outcomes. You will never be able to see the mistakes before they happen. You will never be able to predict the future.

I don’t know what I want to be doing ten years from now. I don’t know where I want to be five years from now. I don’t even know what this summer will be like for me.

All I can say is this: I know what I’m doing right now.

Yes. RIGHT NOW.
Not in an hour from now. Not tonight. Not this weekend. Not next month.
But, RIGHT NOW.

I know I want to study hard in the courses I’m taking that pertain to a possible destination. I know I want to do my best to keep my friendships strong and close by. I know I want to spend my time living my life as much as I spend it working for the future. I know I want to be happy. I know I want to listen to music and get lost int he lyrics. I know I want to remember to spend time alone and experience myself fully. I know…only, that, much.

Just because I don’t know where I’m going, it doesn’t mean I have to stop doing everything to figure it out. It doesn’t mean I have to write out a plan to follow step by step. It doesn’t mean I am lost or behind from everyone else. Because, in reality, it doesn’t matter how prepared someone seems for the future because NO ONE IS READY, because no one knows what’s going to happen.

Not knowing, is okay.
Being a little lost, is okay.
IT. IS. OKAY.

Hello, Stranger Me

Hello, Stranger Me

There are some things in life I will never get, things I will never fully understand, things I will never even begin to comprehend.

One of those things….is me, is myself, is who I am today as a result of where I’ve walked or what I’ve been through.

I don’t get why I’m jumpy or easily frightened by the touch of someone’s hand. I don’t get why I am uncomfortable with being treated right. I don’t get why I still listen to the many remarks that constantly haunt me when I know I shouldn’t anymore.

I don’t understand why it’s so hard for me to trust someone without a single doubt or feeling that they will betray me or walk away. I don’t understand why it’s insanely difficult to be just happy, not worried about the storm that might or might not come, but simply happy in the moment that I live in. I don’t understand why…accepting who I am as a person is still a task I have yet to check off my bucket list because all I see when I look in the mirror is the long list of hatred comments and bullshit reasons people threw at me and shoved down my throat since day one.

Why is feeling weak, weak? Why is feeling invincible, strength?
Why does having knowledge that others don’t make you smart?
Why does being privileged make you lucky and fortunate?

I will never get why I stare at the ceiling for hours with a blank, empty mind only to later close my eyes and focus on the darkness that hides beneath my eyelids. I will never get why I suddenly disappear into silence even after the happiest and more adventurous days where I am loud and hyper and crazy all at the same time. I will never get why I get spikes of emotion I can never control every once in a while, despite whether it is happiness, anger, or sadness.

I won’t, and may never comprehend why, or even how, I can stare at the most simplest things and have a million thoughts running through my mind that it gets to the point where I cannot even select one to listen to.

I don’t understand why I get insanely nervous and frightful when someone is simply kind. I don’t understand why I stumble over my words and start to fidget whenever I feel unsafe after being nervous. I don’t understand why being in an empty space suddenly makes me feel as if someone is following me and I am not alone. I don’t understand why I have a feeling something terribly bad is going to happen right after every single time something good occurs.

I don’t get a lot of things.
One of those things is…me.
I don’t get me, myself, and I.
I simply don’t understand.
I don’t get it.
I don’t get me.

No One Can

No One Can

My mind goes blank when I try to remember that morning. The doctors had said a concussion would erase the moments before and after the accident. The doctors had also explained that I had a lot of muscle spasms and would be feeling the pain in both my head and neck for several days. I hated it.

For the next several days, I would start shaking in fear when I saw my car. I couldn’t even think about getting behind the wheel again, but I understood that I would need to soon. I could not be driven around for very long. For the next few weeks, I winced and flinched and shook whenever the driver stepped on the brakes a bit too hard or got too close to the car in front of us…or even when the screeching sound the tires made when someone turned too fast or the sound of a horn somewhere nearby. I was a wreck; that is what I thought anyway.

It’s been a over a month since the car accident. I continue to have panic attacks when the car I am in get close to a car accident. I continue to shake and flinch when the brakes are stepped on too fast. I continue to flinch and get terribly scared when the car gets a bit too close to any other car. I continue to get reminded of the accident as I see countless of other car crashes along both the highways and inside streets.

Nothing use to bother me about driving. I was confident about my ability. I thought I never would be the person who got into a major car crash. I would past accidents every other day but never stopped to think that it could be me one day. I never thought I would be one to have a fear of driving.

I don’t think anyone ever thinks they could be the one dealing with something like this. You can never predict that you will get into a situation that would scar you for many months, or even years, to come. No one thinks, “One day I’ll be in a car accident.” or “One day I will be fighting cancer.” or “One day I will have severe anxiety.” No one thinks that one day it could be them in situations they constantly hear about.

This leads to no one being prepared for all the possible situations they could find themselves in because one can never be prepared for every single thing that could happen. The future is this unknown place that we venture into every single day we wake up. No one knows what will happen. No one can know for sure. No one can “be ready”.