Just Lost

Just Lost

What do you want me to say? That I don’t know what I’m doing? I don’t know where this all leads?
What do you want me to do? Stop doing anything until I figure out where I want to end? Spend time planning out the little details instead of doing anything at all?

I know I don’t know where I want to be in five, ten, fifteen years. Who does?

Who has it all figured out? Who knows exactly where they’re going to be years from today/ Who? Tell me who and I’ll show you how they are simply doing what every single person is doing: figuring it out as they go.

You might know what you want to be doing in the future. You might be planning for those years ahead of time. You might have a timeline you want to strictly follow. But, the thing is, you never know what’s going to happen.

You will never be able to plan for the outcomes. You will never be able to see the mistakes before they happen. You will never be able to predict the future.

I don’t know what I want to be doing ten years from now. I don’t know where I want to be five years from now. I don’t even know what this summer will be like for me.

All I can say is this: I know what I’m doing right now.

Yes. RIGHT NOW.
Not in an hour from now. Not tonight. Not this weekend. Not next month.
But, RIGHT NOW.

I know I want to study hard in the courses I’m taking that pertain to a possible destination. I know I want to do my best to keep my friendships strong and close by. I know I want to spend my time living my life as much as I spend it working for the future. I know I want to be happy. I know I want to listen to music and get lost int he lyrics. I know I want to remember to spend time alone and experience myself fully. I know…only, that, much.

Just because I don’t know where I’m going, it doesn’t mean I have to stop doing everything to figure it out. It doesn’t mean I have to write out a plan to follow step by step. It doesn’t mean I am lost or behind from everyone else. Because, in reality, it doesn’t matter how prepared someone seems for the future because NO ONE IS READY, because no one knows what’s going to happen.

Not knowing, is okay.
Being a little lost, is okay.
IT. IS. OKAY.

Advertisements
March 26. 19. 2017.

March 26. 19. 2017.

– writing this ahead of time –

I wonder if my phone will explode with messages and calls. I wonder if people will be kinder and try to make me smile more. I wonder what will happen during the next couple days at school when I see my classmates and friends.

I wonder if my parents will remember. I wonder if my sister will call home from London. I wonder if we’ll celebrate somehow. I wonder if it’ll just be one of those rare dinners that we have (like steak or hotpot) whenever we “celebrate”. I wonder if we’ll go out to head a some sushi buffet because we’re lazy to cook and make it big.

I wonder if my aunts will remember. I probably won’t hear from my aunts or uncles. I’ve never been close to family.

I wonder if I’ll be buried in schoolwork. I wonder how that’s going to go. I wonder if I’ll even remember. I won’t if I’ll have any time for myself and just be grateful I survived yet another year of life.

March 26. I turn 19. Almost 20.

March 26. Last year was hell. Too much drama with friends.

March 26. It’s a week or so away. I wonder what will happen.

I don’t celebrate. We usually don’t do anything. Family doesn’t do the whole gift thing, the whole taking time to see what they would really want or what would be super meaningful. We don’t do that. Family doesn’t do that.

Awell.