I have to be honest…when I saw you again my heart skipped a beat. We didn’t leave each other’s lives in such good terms that I thought you’d be walking towards me with a smile on your face again. I hadn’t thought we’d be talking about life and exchanging stories over lunch anytime soon. But there we were, catching up, joking around, laughing and having a good time once again.
If I’m honest, I have to say I had dreamt of the day we meet in good terms again and catch up as if we never stopped being great friends. I wanted to share my life with you. I wanted to experience life with you. But when I saw you again I had to reexamine where I stand.
A part of me thinks we could mend the break and start a new friendship built on trust and faith. It thinks there is something that still ties us together that life has brought us to each other again. It still feels the connection that once pulled me towards you. It still believes that our friendship can make it through.
But, honestly, another part of me thinks I shouldn’t be trying to pull something from my past into my present and future. It remembers how broken you had left me years before. It is scared of being left again after finding reason to have faith in you once more. It doesn’t want to give its heart to someone who doesn’t believe we’re meant to be anything.
At the same time that I want to reach out to you and bring you into my life, I already have an exhausting life without the drama of an ex-something coming back around. At the same time that I want to be there for you again, for I still see the hurt in your eyes and feel the pain coming from your heart, I know I can’t fix everything in your life no matter how much I want to take the pain away. I’d rather take your pain onto myself than have you suffer through your own thoughts in the darkness I know you’ve lived within for way too long – but I cannot.
I know I will always have a soft spot for you, as the first boy I fell in love with. I know I will always love you and be here for you no matter what. I know I will never stop caring about you despite anything you can do. I know I will not ever be scared of you, but of my feelings for you. I know there will always be something there for you to come back to. I know I will always love you.
But…I am nervous to find out how our lives will intertwine this time ’round. If you reach out, I won’t push you away. But, if there is something left here, I can’t be the only one trying to find where things go.
Please watch over me still. Please think of me still. Please wish the best for me still. Please pray for me. Please remember me. Please look for me…later. Please.
I know I’ll watch over you. I know I’ll think of you and wish the best for you. I know I’ll remember you. I know I’ll look for you, when I’m ready, when I’m ok.
Mask your struggle with determination. Mask your doubts with confidence. Mask your pain with smiles. Mask your screams with laughs. Mask your emotions with…false emotions.
Hide in the darkness. Don’t let them see you cry. Don’t show weakness. Don’t show those signs. Hide in the darkness. That is where you belong. That is where you will find comfort. That is where you can be…you, because no one can see you.
That’s what I was taught growing up.
Show what is true and no one will understand. Try to explain what goes through your mind and they won’t comprehend. It’s better to stay silent, is it not?
They don’t understand because they aren’t YOU. They won’t fully get it because they aren’t YOU. No one can understand what you’re struggling against because they aren’t YOU. No one can feel your emotions because they aren’t YOU.
That’s the beauty in it. They won’t fully get it, but that doesn’t mean they can’t try to. They can’t read your mind, but that doesn’t mean they can’t listen to your words. They can’t live your life for you, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be beside you through it all.
What is a mask for? For protection…but there’s beauty in vulnerability, or that’s what I’ve been told.
I look up into these eyes. I can see the hint of worry, even everything seems completely fine. They look at me, reading me, trying to figure out what is running through my mind. I stare back into them, grateful that they are taking the time to take me in.
They see me for who I truly am. They see the flaws in me, but see the beauty in everything and in all. They’ve seen me as I’m breaking down, sobbing in tears. They’ve seen me excitedly happy, jumping up and down on my feet. They’ve seen me embarrassed, trying to hide from everyone and everything. They’ve seen me frustrated, gripping at the air trying to strangle what’s not there. They’ve seen me engulfed in nearly every emotion, yet they still love everything that is me.
I look up into these eyes. I can see hints of everything that lies behind them. I look into them and see everything they try to hide. I read them, trying to see what’s running through the owner’s mind. I stare into them, loving every part of the person within.
I see them. I see the flaws. I see the mistakes, the regrets, the disappointments and I love every bit. I see the beauty. I’ve seen them filled of disappointment. I’ve seen them covered with worry. I’ve watched them dart back and forth in restlessness. I’ve seen them try to avoid eye contact, embarrassed. I’ve seen them engulfed in many emotions; I know of the part of them others do not know, yet I still love everything that is them.