Hint…Hint -nudge nudge-

Hint…Hint -nudge nudge-

Sometimes I want to stop and ask “What are you thinking?” when someone does something I know has more meaning than they’re letting on. Sometimes I want to stop and listen to the thoughts that run through their mind to simply understand them better, and to understand in what ways do they perceive the very world we both exist in. Sometimes I want to stop someone and ask “Why did you do that?” even when I know the answer and have a good chance of being right, because you never know how much you understand someone until they do something rather odd.

Sometimes I want to understand, I want to clarify, and I want to simply ask these questions that I want an elaborate answer for…but I don’t. I know there are things we simply do because it’s all we know how to do. I know there are things we sometimes do out of impulse, so we don’t always have much reasoning behind these actions. I know there are things we do that we even don’t understand why ourselves. But, despite all of these, it doesn’t stop me every single time I wonder if I know the answer to “Why?”

There’s always meaning behind the words we say. There’s always reasoning behind the actions we do. And, subconsciously or consciously, time after time, we leave hints to those around us. We nudge them towards the correct answer and, even though this might be denied, we hope they somehow someway understand what runs through our minds. We yearn to be understood, as we yearn to be cared for. So in the mist of being guarded and cautious when it comes to opening up to others, we leave hints to everyone around us in order for them to get that much closer to us.

I, myself, leave many, many hints. For years, I lived in a world where you always had to read between the lines and guess what’s hiding behind the curtains. In this world, the persona you saw up front almost never matched reality. Therefore, you had to learn to read human bodies in order to come to conclusions on what’s happening in the human mind. You had to read each and every body language “hint” they subconsciously or consciously gave you to understand them. You had to manipulate the games in order to gain access to the forbidden key that opens their heart. You had to fight your way into people’s lives without ever showing interest in wanting to be there. You had to come up with your own fake persona that guards you from being understood, in order to be understood. Because, in the end, the mystery was the fun part of the game.

Now that I have stepped out of that horrid world where everyone had to keep their guard up without ever seeming like you give a care, I wonder if I could ask the questions I still am intrigued to know the answers for. “Why did you say this even when you knew it would effect this person who was standing behind you?” “Why would you pretend like you feel this way when you know this person will react in this certain way?” “Are you playing a game or are you being truthful about the person you are upfront?” These aren’t questions you hear everyday, is it? But these are the question I constantly had to ask myself in the complex world I lived in. Maybe it’s not all that much different from your life or someone else’s world, but I believe the mindset I had back there is definitely different from those currently around me.

But putting that difference to the side, it’s crystal clear to many, many of us how difficult it is to start the conversation when the topic you wish to discuss isn’t simply “How was your day?” or “Everything’s so stressful!”. The conversations you really want to have are things like “I’m struggling with this particular part in my life because these certain things occurred in my past and lead me to think this certain way.” The deep and meaningful conversations are the ones each and every single one of us wish to have. But opening your mouth and beginning a discussion is never easy, despite who you are looking at, and that is when we start to leave “hints”.

We leave hints to tell people, to intrigue people into learning more about us. What makes us tick, what makes us happy; why we think a certain way, why we react almost automatically when we face certain things; what we think about the future, what we remember about the past. Despite leaving the “other world” I lived in, I still have a drive to understand those around me. I want to ask what they’re thinking sometimes but I know I will never get the in-depth answer I always crave. If you mean a lot to me, I want to understand you just as much as I want you to understand me. Throughout the many, many years, I’ve learned that…mystery is not always fun and games.

I know that we all leave hints here and there. We have times where we are more vulnerable than most. We all have something in particular that will always have a soft spot in our hearts. But I’ve gotten to the point where I simply don’t want to guess anymore. I don’t want to constantly have to read body language and search into someone’s eyes to understand what they’re thinking, or why they’re doing what they are. I don’t want to assume I know the answer behind the worldwide question of “why?” because I know I won’t always get it correct. And, yes, assuming does make an ass out of you and me.

Sometimes I want to ask “What are you thinking?” and actually get an elaborate answer with some reasoning. Sometimes I want to ask “What are you doing?” and get some explanation on what they perceive themselves to be doing and how they think their actions affect those around them. Sometimes I want to call my close friend up and just discuss life on a more in-depth way of thinking rather than the normal useless and insignificant conversations we all have had. Sometimes I yearn and yearn for the ability to do this, but I know…sometimes it’s just not accepted.

So, I go back to leaving hints.
This post itself, like countless of my past posts, is a hint itself. It gives you, and you know who you are, a more in-depth look at who I am as a person and what I think about the world we both exist in. It provides a conversation starter for the many, many topics you could think of.

All you have to do, is take it. It’s your hint, use it.

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Who Am I?

Who Am I?

I’m an artist. I’m a photographer. I’m a writer. I’m a sibling. I’m a sister. I’m a daughter. I’m a friend. I’m a classmate. I’m a peer. I’m a relative. I’m…me. I’m someone who’s there for their friends. I’m someone who wants to be the person who helps, but isn’t always the one who’s doing right. I’m someone who has come to that point in life to decide many things. I’m someone who wants to make a difference in this world. I’m someone who wants to make a difference in people’s lives. I’m someone who loves their friends, family and life…but maybe not as much when life is going downhill. I’m someone who loves photography, who loves arts, who finds passion and peace of mind in their work.

I’m many things and many different kinds of people mashed into one. That’s just a part of who I am. I know that part. That’s the part..the things I can say without society’s remarks, without my expectations being there to cloud my mind, without a second thought of what anyone would think. That’s who I am as of right now. That’s who I’m proud to be.

There are also some things that describe me that I’m not to proud of. Someone might say I’m nosy when it comes to caring about my friends’ business. Someone might say I’m too naive. Someone may say I don’t work hard enough, don’t stay focus for long enough or aren’t mature enough for my age. Someone may say I can’t tell right from wrong, that I care too much or that I worry about others more than i should. These things aren’t exactly things I’m afraid of saying, but they aren’t things I’m totally proud of saying either. I’m fine with how I care about others and how I treat people, personally I am. But it’s how others comment and how others see that trait themselves that makes me weary of whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing.

This is where society, expectations, etc. come to play. They twist these..these…these…these scenarios into our mind and make us think we have to achieve that or else we aren’t “good enough”, “worthy” or “someone to take seriously” even. These scenarios make us look down on certain fields from a young age and look up at fields from day one. Take the medical field for example. What family doesn’t want their child to become this successful doctor, curing patients all over the world? Going to college a little closer to home, or going someone farther away. Depending on what kind of family you’ve grown up in, you might have been persuaded to think one or the other is better. Which parents don’t want their child to stay close to home? Or what family doesn’t want their little bird to fly out of the nest and experience the world on their own terms…get that experience of a lifetime?

We then take these children and push them to choose their path in life. What do you want to do? Where do you want to go? We tell them to make the choice on their own, to follow their dreams, to do what makes them happy….but do all of the parents really mean that? Or are they think they are subtly pushing their child onto a certain path even when it’s bluntly put out there? Are they making their child to take a route they dreamed of going on themselves, and pressuring them to “do the right thing” or “take the easier route”?

For the people out there who ARE deciding on your future:

Listen to your heart. Remember that first paragraph I wrote on who I am? That’s who I think I am without the thought of anything else. That’s who I want to stay and keep being. I want to make everyone else happy too, but I want to make myself happy as well. I know it’s not easy going against someone who say they know the best for you, but in the end it’s going to be your life and the person you’ll be. If you still don’t know or are struggling to erase what everyone else has been saying about the path you should take, then try what I did. Think “Who am I?” and just answer it with what you know. Your answer might be that you’re an actor/actress, you’re a doctor, you’re a accountant, etc. You might say that you’re a friend, relative, sister/brother, etc. You might say that you’re someone who wants to help people, stay away from home, travel, etc. Whatever it may be, you already know. You might not know what you want to be for the rest of your life, or who you will be in the next five years, but at least you know who you are now. That’s what matters. You have to start from somewhere, right?